Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
For the last several years of my active alcoholism, I tried to practice controlled drinking: only drinking after 5pm, only beer, only one glass of wine, only two glasses of wine, etc. I could barely carry out each temporarily, and I was miserable. I justified my drinking: stress, unhappy marriage, or my friends drank like me. Yet, they didn’t feel like me. Alcohol began to consume my thoughts. I drank because I couldn’t NOT drink. What I didn’t understand at the time was that my body and mind had developed compulsive reaction to alcohol, one that went beyond willpower. When someone would say, “just stop,” it wasn’t that easy. I simply couldn’t.
Admitting I was powerless over alcohol didn’t happen for me until I bellied up to the question: do I want to live or die?
I had to confront the physical addiction and the psychological grip it had on me. Alcoholism was affecting my body and altering my values and decisions. I prioritized drinking over everything else—my relationships, my self-respect, my safety, and the safety of others. My denial perpetuated a cycle of shame, guilt, excuses, and deep anxiety and depression. My life was unmanageable when I drank, and I couldn’t stop.
I decided I wanted to live. By admitting my complete powerlessness, I freed myself from the prison I’d build around me. That admission had to happen wholly and completely to become willing to do whatever was suggested of me to recover. I began sharing my pain through tears. Every time I shared in a meeting I cried. Every time I left a meeting I felt a little lighter, and that feeling alone kept me coming back.
Step 1 felt like giving up, but it was the single most powerful act of courage I’ve ever taken.
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