Hi Everyone! And welcome to Talks with Dr. Shafer. I am Dr Shafer, and I am a mom, a physician, a board certified Neurologist, a musician, writer and publisher on a quest to help others on their journey of growth and improved health through storytelling. I believe in creating safe spaces to share our stories so that we can heal, grow and support one another, and create and environment where there is no need for shame. Where we meet life’s challenges with a focus on the possibilities ahead, and learn to release or work around past limitations.
Today, on Talks with Dr. Shafer, I want to talk about your response, and a concept that I call: Your Response is Your Responsibility
There is this incredibly moving clip circulating right now where a woman witnesses a young girl being pulled into an alley by a man. The man is very tall and strong, towering over the young woman in the alley. The witness, another woman, asks what he is doing with her. He responds tersely that it is his family and tries to make the woman uncomfortable for bothering them.
This is where the story could have easily taken a tragic turn.
You see, many of us, if not most of us, are afraid of conflict. We are afraid of inconveniencing someone, of embarrassing them. We have been socially programmed to fawn and apologize for taking up space, let alone for speaking and asserting ourselves.
So with the understanding of how women are expected to behave in social situations, when being rebuked by a tall, authoritarian man, it would be no surprise if the woman apologized and walked on.
But that would be tragic, and it would probably haunt her forever. Because her gut knew. Her nervous system signaled danger to her. Her mind is trained to “mind your own business”, so it would be easy to respond to the social cues the man gave her with fawning and going about her day.
But she didn’t.
Because she trusted herself. She trusted her gut. She knew the girl wasn’t safe. And she knew that the only safety she had to offer the girl was her presence.
And she was very generous with it and courageous.
Despite the man yelling at her, making it seem that she was rude, asking why she was “stalking them” as he is quite literally abducting a child, his arm around her so that she can not escape him, trying to lead her away from the witness.
He is actively attempting to manipulate the witness’s perception of reality, to reframe it so that she is actually the problem, disturbing him with what he calls his “family,” and “stalking” them.
He does not allow the witness to see the girls’ face. He wraps his arm around her and leads her in the opposite direction.
But the woman witnessing this does not back down.
“I’m following you,” she firmly tells him, walking a safe distance behind them as he tries to lead the girl away on a different street.
“Are you okay?” She repeatedly asks the girl. She cannot see her face.
But her gut tells her that her presence is keeping this girl safe.
Because there is no safety in silence. There is no security in isolation. Predators of all types know that isolating someone is key to being able to do whatever they want to them. It happens in relationships and homes, at work, at school, at night on the street with strangers, online, everywhere. And while they isolate their victim, they typically use verbal tactics to manipulate the victim’s perception of reality, such that the victim begins to believe that by being silent and isolated, they are safe. Then the unthinkable happens. And that moment is often followed by more silence and more isolation, as shame overcomes the victim.
When we shed light on these moments, however, and we share them, the truth can’t help but come out. That the victim did nothing wrong. That a woman walking down a street, any time or day, no matter what she is doing or wearing, should be able to safely arrive to her destination. There is no circumstance or condition that would make that not justifiable. Period.
