Pam and Erin get real about “invisible contracts”—the unconscious promises we made (often as kids or in intense moments) to keep ourselves safe… that now keep us small. From “I’ll never need anyone” to “If I’m chosen, I’m worthy,” they unpack how these agreements live in the body, show up in relationships, and how to renegotiate them with awareness, compassion, and new action. Expect nervous-system wisdom, shadow work with a light touch, and a whole lot of relatable stories (plus some sweaty “terror barrier” moments).
What “invisible contracts” are and how they get written in childhood/body
Common contracts: hyper-independence, control, people-pleasing, playing small, being “the strong one,” “the entertainer,” the caretaker
The nervous system piece: why insight alone isn’t enough (somatic reactions, cellular memory)
Bob Proctor’s “terror barrier” and breaking patterns through new action
Acknowledge → Accept → Declare → Do (one aligned action)
Reframing old memories (inner child / re-parenting)
“Blame well” (crediting our caregivers for the strengths their flaws grew in us)
Writing new contracts that fit who you are now
Pam’s old contract: “I’ll take care of everything.” The cost: exhaustion, resentment, never receiving support.
Erin’s tender edge: the “I’m not chosen” story and how it pulls her toward victim mode until she lovingly re-claims the mic.
What role did you take on that no one explicitly asked you to (entertainer, fixer, caretaker, achiever, peacekeeper)?
What are you afraid would happen if you stopped performing that role?
When you’re triggered, what age does the feeling belong to? What did that younger you really need?
Write a new contract in plain language: “It’s safe for me to receive support.” “My worth isn’t tied to achievement.” “Being fully myself is a gift.”
Work with Pam (1:1 coaching, groups): pamrader.com
Work with Erin (coaching + embodiment): erinpaynecoaching.com
Grit & Grace Retreat — April 17–20, 2026 • Cariboo, BC (Spring Lake Ranch) https://gritandgraceretreats.com
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Share this episode with someone rewriting their story. Tag us with your new contract!
00:41 Welcome & why “invisible contracts”
02:30 Common contracts we inherit or write as kids
06:20 “I choose you”: Erin on healing the “unchosen” story
08:55 Pam’s “I’ll take care of everything” contract & the cost
10:40 Conscious vs. subconscious; why the body runs the show
12:50 Hitting the terror barrier (and what to do)
17:20 The 4-step pathway: Acknowledge → Accept → Declare → Do
18:55 Pair action with a calming emotion to lock in change
21:15 Finding the basement scrolls (metaphor) & updating clauses
24:10 Re-parenting & reframing old memories
30:25 Roles we adopt: entertainer, caretaker, leader, fixer
36:10 New-path metaphor: machete work > well-worn trail
39:00 Triggers as teachers; shadow work with compassion
40:20 New contracts we’re claiming now + retreat invite
42:35 Teaser: Cowboy joins next episode on masculine/feminine
Invisible Contracts: The Promises We Forgot We Made
Renegotiating Your Life: Rewrite the Unseen Agreements
Triggers, Terror Barriers & New Deals with Yourself
From “I’ll Do It All” to “I Receive”: Updating Old Roles
The Basement Scrolls: Finding and Rewriting Unconscious Contracts
Chosen By Me: Healing the Old “Pick Me” Story
Awareness, Acceptance, Declaration, Action
Your Nervous System Isn’t the Enemy (It Just Needs New Data)
The Entertainer, The Fixer, The Strong One—Retiring Old Parts
Triggers as Treasure: Shadow Work with Grit & Grace
From Well-Worn Paths to New Trails (Bring a Machete)
Blame Well, Love Better: Re-Parenting the Past
When Insight Isn’t Enough: Body-Led Change
The Cost of Being “The Strong One” (and How to Stop Paying)
Your New Contract Starts Today
