Over the weekend I had a moment where I was reminded that a key to letting go of shame is forgiveness. The ability to forgive others is helpful in being able to move on. But even more important than that is the ability to forgive ourselves.
If you think it’s hard to forgive other people for the things they’ve done in the choices they’ve made. You have clearly not tried to forgive yourself for the things that you have done and the choices you’ve made that have harmed you.
Or maybe you haven’t even recognized the need for it.
It is much easier to point at someone else and talk about all of the things that they’ve done wrong. Which is why so many of us get stuck in that blame phase of life and then feel helpless. Because at the end of the day we have no control over other people, what they do, how they think, their choices or behaviors.
It is so much harder to look within and be radically honest with ourselves about our own shit. It is painful to look at ourselves in the mirror. It is painful to acknowledge and own all of the ways that we get in our own way, the ways we have harmed ourselves, the ways we have made choices that do not serve us in favor of being an inauthentic version of ourselves. It is painful to look at the way we’ve allowed fear to get in the way of our joy and success. It’s hard to look at that because we resent the people who willingly choose to hurt us. And then realize we are one of those people.
Self forgiveness is a necessary part of healing. But we cannot forgive ourselves until we look at all the parts we’ve played in our own suffering and the suffering of others around us. Which creates a lot of guilt. And a lot of shame which is probably one of the worst emotions that humans experience. And also, which is why most of us don’t even realize we have stuffed it so far down to a place where we don’t have to acknowledge it exists. It is too painful to look at.
Healing does not come solely from forgiving others. It is just the gateway to open the door for seeing humanity and others. When you’re able to do this and provide that grace and understanding for them, you can begin to find a way to have that same grace for yourself. Which is by far a harder feat. Most of us struggle with recognizing the humanity within ourselves. So many times we make mistakes or choices at points in our life when we didn’t know better. Or when we did know better, and still thought that was the best option. We are not perfect, yet so many times deep inside of us we have that expectation that we should be. And then we project that expectation on to other people.
At this point in life, I truly believe that the essence of all of us is good. That, even when we choose poorly, or could’ve done better, that every single one of us did the best we could with whatever we were dealing with at that moment with the tools we had available. I truly believe if someone could have done it better, they would have. Even me. Hindsight is 2020 and it’s easy to judge an event or a person from the outside. But when you’re in the midst of a crisis or emotional turmoil or feeling lost or depressed, sometimes your best looks much different.
Forgive those who made choices that hurt you and others. Whether they knew better or not. Then find a way to forgive yourself for the same. That is where true healing begins.
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