In this episode, I reflect on what has been a transformative and challenging year for me. Losing my job in January gave me the gift of time—time to explore new passions, reflect on who I want to become, and practice patience and trust that things are working out.
However, despite all the growth and self-discovery, I find myself struggling with a fear of commitment. This fear has shown up in my relationships and career choices. I’ve realized that I’m afraid of getting stuck in a routine or life that feels stagnant, and the thought of committing to a long-term path—whether it's a job or relationship—feels suffocating.
Through this journey, I've noticed a pattern in my relationships, particularly with emotionally unavailable men, and how I’ve avoided deeper commitments. I’ve also noticed this resistance in my career, where I struggle to commit to a job long-term, even when it’s something I could enjoy. I’ve become aware of my fear of complacency—of waking up one day in a life I didn’t actively choose, but simply settled into. On top of that, I've been changing and evolving so quickly that I often wonder if the choices I make now will still align with who I am months from now, or if I’ll need to leave them behind as I grow.
Towards the end of the episode, I share my discovery of human design and how learning about my "manifestor" aura type has helped me understand why I resist long-term commitments. I’ve realized that I thrive in short bursts of energy and passion, and I need a lot of space for downtime and flexibility. I crave adventure and the freedom to explore multiple interests and ideas without being tied down to one thing for too long. As I continue to learn about my human design, I’m excited to discover how it can help me find a path that aligns with my true self. I also encourage anyone struggling to understand their own behavior to explore tools like human design, astrology, or the Enneagram—anything that can help you better understand yourself, because when you truly understand yourself, you can love and accept who you are, and from there, you can deepen your connections with others.
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