"There's a beginning and an end to everything. Each one is born into this world with a purpose in life. One will never know their purpose until they experience life. Those experiences are stored away in the abyss of the mind and heart." FLH
I don't know about you, but I have indeed experienced my share of difficulties. Deciding to be transparent about myself is liberating. Don't judge me because many will not know the feeling of being liberated from your past discretion. Opening to be vulnerable is something that has caused me heartache and heartbreak. We repress so much that we have built a wall so deep thick and high to cover up the hurt.
Sixty-five years around the sun I have become skeptical when it comes to dating. Damn was there something wrong with me that each man I dated had issues that I didn't realize until the situationship was over. Was I that blinded by the fact that having a BOYFRIEND was a good thing? I was far from blind and knew the warning signs and leaped right into these situations thinking I could make a difference in their life. Not realizing how those SITUATIONSHIPS would affect my life my mindset and instead of moving forward I sunk deeper and deeper into bull shit. The men I attracted were handsome well-dressed educated men who knew the right words to pull me into their web of deceit. Then the regular guy who perpetrated a fraud by promising to give me the world and never giving but always looking to receive. I sat around having a pity party blaming myself until I analyzed what each man had in common deep unresolved issues.
I came from a matriarch family who showed me love but when it came to the men in my family, I never saw them show affection to their wives. So, what examples did I have in my life when it comes. My ideas of love were the words I heard in love songs and those juicy love stories. Those were the words I wanted to hear from a man. As life would be I was living in a world of fantasy only to wake and see life is not that way.
I revisited my past relationship with my father and uncovered so much about my father and how that shaped my interaction with men. A father who refused to accept me as his child because of my name. A father who I saw briefly at my family members funeral still didn't acknowledge me. A father whom I met again at the age of twenty-one at another family tragedy. The father who had multiple children from multiple women. I realized that meeting him was a big disappointment. Not only was he an alcoholic he was a womanizer' from there I vowed to NEVER date or marry a man like him. I wanted a man who knew how to give and receive love. Surprise, surprise that would not be the case unfortunately I would get involved with men who possesses the same characteristics as the father.
It took me a while to figure out what was going on in my world of dating therefore it was time to seek professional help. I can honestly say I have stopped blaming myself. I have addressed the unresolved issues and I am on the road to HEALING FROM WITHIN.
