“Whatever truth we feel compelled to withhold, no matter how unthinkable it is to imagine ourselves telling it, not to is a way of spiritually holding our breath. You can only do it for so long.”Mark Nepo
Since my healing began, I returned to a place where I found peace. The place where I could have my private conversations with the One who knew me best. He never left me, but I left Him. At times I would hear His voice whispering in my ear not to do something but out of hurt and anger I became the disobedient child. Funny how He spoke so clearly to me on consistently, and I chose to do things MY WAY.
In 1 Samuel 15:22 there is a verse which reads "Obedience is better than sacrifice." I took the words lightly and never gave the words a second thought. I figured that God is a forgiving God so if prayed He would forgive me. As I would learn later in my life every wrong decision that I would make came with consequences. I lived the life I wanted doing what I wanted never knowing those words would come back to bite me and bite me HARD. My choices left me an emotional hot mess. Dating the wrong men was truly an emotional roller coaster ride that I decided to go on not realizing the effects of the toxic situationships.
“Anything or anyone that asks you to be other than yourself is not holy, but is trying only to fill its own need.”Mark Nepo
I married a man because I was tired of living with my mother, and he was tired of living with his family. So, after six months of dating, we got married and what a big mistake. He professed to know God and love Him but after marriage this was all a lie. He wanted nothing to do with God or church. A marriage doomed to fail because it was not God's will nor did I receive the blessings from my family. This guy would become my worst nightmare when the police were called due to domestic violence. The last altercation I had enough became and I had to fight for my life. Thank God for the neighbors who lived on my floor because they got me off him and he was asked to leave by my mom.
Five years passed, and I met a well-dressed man who happened to work in the same building my office was in. The warning signs were but I ignored the signs and continued to date him. Then one day I remember my coworker informed me that he was married. After hearing that I did ask him, he said no I believed the lie and continued the situationship. He said that my coworker was lying he was not married but did have a roommate who had children. Although I was apprehensive, I continued seeing him. I remember coming home and my mother's exact words were “If this guy hasn't given you a phone number introduced you his family and his children, he's either married or living with someone." She was right! I continued with the situationship for seven years only to uncover the truth. I recall asking him why did you lie to me all those years? Why didn’t you just tell me the truth and let me decide if I want to be in a situationship with you? You could hear a pin drop and I knew it was time to go. I prayed for God to end this situationship, and he gave me the strength to say goodbye without any regrets.
“We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time.” Mark Nepo
