If you can’t look back and cringe… are you even growing? In this light-hearted (but real) conversation, Pam and Erin open their “outtakes” folder—dating while high on accident, parenting meltdowns in Costco, telling an Italian mother-in-law her pasta feedback should be “nice,” and more—to show how naming our messes dissolves shame. We unpack why shame is so sticky (comparison, perfection, validation), what it does to our bodies, and how to build shame resilience with truth-telling, compassion, and owning your narrative. Come for the belly laughs, stay for the relief of not having to be perfect.
00:00 Welcome + why “cringe = growth”
01:00 What shame does to the body (threat alarms, cortisol, anxiety)
01:30 The antidote: name it → own it → (eventually) love it
02:05 “We’re all one decision away…” empathy over moral superiority
03:00 When hiding grows the shame (attention = fertilizer)
03:48 Erin’s dating story: unexpected high + “new eyes” on her life
05:50 Pam’s realization about control in marriage & choosing a steadier partner
09:50 The ambulance story: “Sir, call 911.” “Ma’am… I am 911.”
12:20 Parenting cringe: public vs. private standards and validation traps
17:10 De-shaming other parents in the wild (“You’re doing great, mama.”)
19:45 Old wounds → deep shame (bullying, labels, bodies, learning styles)
20:10 Inner-child work & playful “timeline” repair (give Past You what she needed)
23:30 Infidelity, integrity, and real repair vs. passive-aggression
31:25 Comparison culture as a shame machine
33:05 The pasta saga: radical feedback > people-pleasing
38:20 Finances, labels (ADHD/dyslexia), and permission to say “I don’t know”
40:05 Brené Brown’s shame resilience in four moves
43:00 Take your power back by owning the narrative + retreat invite
Name it to tame it. Shame thrives in secrecy; it shrinks when spoken out loud to a safe person.
Comparison is a thief. The more we chase idealized versions of ourselves, the more shame sticks.
Tell the truth (kindly). Honest feedback—given and received—builds resilience faster than validation-hunting.
Compassion isn’t a hall pass. It’s seeing the whole picture (age, skills, modeling) and then choosing aligned action now.
Own your story = own your power. When you tell it, nobody can weaponize it against you.
3-step Shame Reset:
“What exactly am I ashamed of?” (use plain words)
“What rule/expectation am I unconsciously trying to meet?” (Is it even true?)
“What’s one aligned action I can take today?”
Inner-Child Check-in (5 min): Picture the moment the shame began. Ask: What did you need right then? Give it imaginatively—voice, backup, a wiser friend, even a silly redo. Notice your body soften.
Conversation Starter: Tell one trusted person a 60-second “cringe” story this week—just the facts, no spin. End with: “Here’s what I learned and value now.”
Journal Prompts:
Where am I managing others’ perceptions instead of my truth?
If I stopped comparing for 30 days, what would I try?
What part of me needs my compassion today?
Brené Brown on Shame Resilience (naming shame, reality checks, reaching out, speaking it)
Work with Pam Rader (Coaching • Leadership • Speaking):
Website: https://pamrader.com
Shift Labs: https://shiftlabs.ca
Apply/Book a Call: ⟶ insert your direct booking link here
Work with Erin Payne (Coaching • Women’s Work • Nervous System & Alignment):
Website/Booking: ⟶ insert Erin’s link here
Social (optional): ⟶ insert Erin’s IG/link here
Grit & Grace Retreat — April 17 (Cariboo, BC) with Pam, Erin, and our favorite cowboy:
Details & Waitlist/Registration: ⟶pamrader.com/retreats
Questions? Book a quick call with Pam: pamrader.com
“There’s no shame worth keeping. When you own your story, there’s nothing left for anyone to use against you.”
Share it with a friend who needs a laugh and a little less pressure to be perfect. Rate & review to help more folks turn life’s grit into grace.
