Remember a little while ago when I published How to Have Self-Discipline Like a Motherfucker?
I received an email in response from a man who has followed my work for years. He wrote,
Sorry, I had to unsubscribe.
I believe in you and your work.
You are better than the email you just sent.
Life is harsh enough right now, without seeing 'motherfucker' pop up in my emails.
I am trying to raise my vibration in this life and 'MOTHERFUCKER!' tends to subdue that effort.
Adios.
While I don't know this man personally, I know an essential thing about him from his email.
He doesn't know how to negotiate for his needs while staying in a relationship.
Sure, our relationship is not close, but my writing clearly matters to him, or he wouldn't have taken the time to write.
When I received this email, I felt soft and a bit sad.
What other possibilities existed besides ending the relationship?
How else could he have gotten his needs met without breaking up with me?
For example, could he have written to me, telling me that the word “motherfucker” upset him and asking if I'd be willing to use a different word?
Or could he have written to me and given me the feedback that while he appreciates my work, he will not open emails with the word motherfucker in the title?
Sometimes, it's easier to end the relationship than to negotiate for what you need.
Setting a boundary and staying connected is a challenging skill.
I trained in Aikido a while back.
If you are unfamiliar with the practice, in Aikido, someone brings an attack, and you move with the energy of the attack to transform it into going in the direction you prefer.
Sometimes, that means 'introducing someone to the mat,' which is taking them down.
In Aikido, the aim is not to dominate.
You don't win by injuring your opponent.
When you take an opponent down, the instruction is to stay connected with them the entire way down.
Stay attuned to their body so you don't hurt them.
It's a physical and energetic practice: stay connected while asserting your right to body autonomy.
Aikido taught me a lot about conflict.
It taught me how often I want to look away, pull away, not stay connected when in conflict.
How challenging it is for me to want to be connected with someone who has catalyzed pain.
Catalyzed, not caused.
In this man's case, my word choice catalyzed feelings he did not wish to feel.
I deeply respect the choice to care for oneself and be clear about what you want to allow in.
Truth is, I'm not better than the word motherfucker.
I like it quite a bit, which will not work for him.
So perhaps the best thing to do is to end the relationship.
And, I also wish, for his sake, that he had had more options.
Staying in a relationship that isn't working or leaving are two options, a binary.
Binaries suck.
Because it's rarely all one thing or another.
I don't know, but I have to wonder if he had grief about leaving our writer/reader relationship.
If he wished I would magically intuit his need and write from that place.
If he feels sad about the breakup.
Setting boundaries while staying connected is vulnerable.
It's an intimacy of trust: I'm leaning into my discomfort to say this relationship means enough to me that I'll tell you the truth about the thing that isn't working.
To stay connected when I say "no" to something between us, I have to trust that you will receive it and honor it.
It's doubtful that if he had asked me to not use the word motherfucker I would have complied.
Still, I can also dream of many possibilities to meet his need to feel safe and easeful and my need for autonomy and expression.
It's always an interesting challenge in my work with couples: how are we going to come together to make sure the needs of the entire system get met?
Meeting everyone’s needs requires creativity.
Trust.
Willingness.
Those three ingredients make the difference between a relationship untangling knots or ending.
I want us all to practice setting a boundary while staying connected.
After all, boundaries are there, so we CAN remain connected.
It's sad to me that they are not often received as such.
Boundaries are actually blessings we can receive.
When you say to a beloved there is something you must do to protect your own life, it can be received as a gift.
I accept it as such from that man who wrote to me.
He is protecting his energy, and allowing in what is best for him.
I wish I'd had the chance to determine what I wanted and needed in our relationship rather than having the decision made for me.
I wish we could stay connected, while setting and honoring boundaries that support us both.
Try it this week. Set a boundary, and stay connected.
