As I navigate this new phase, so many things are becoming more and more apparent as I give myself permission to unmask and tap into things, that, up until now I heavy overlooked because I didn’t have the space to view.
First and foremost - I need sleep!!
I say this because I have the neighbour from hell and for the past 8 months not one week has gone by without some overly dramatic situation, occurrence, incident etc that is so dysfunctional and not only is it awful to experience first hand but it demonstrates such a lack of self care and that for me to witness, is truly sad.
I birthed SELFLOVELOVESELF365 one day when I was bathing, during the first time I really gave myself permission to properly accept and acknowledge what happened to me, I will never forget the ache in my heart. SELFLOVELOVESELF365 started with a voice note to myself and it was so liberating to hear my thoughts aloud. That was effectively a call out to myself to remember that no matter what happens to me on this journey I must always care for myself because at the very least, I deserve my own care and love.
**Trigger Warning - Implications of Sexual Assault Discussed Here, Please Go To Next Paragraph If You Would Prefer To Avoid**
Life is a journey and so I will always need to love myself and care for myself no matter how the world looks at me or whether or not I am made to feel different. We are all different and we should all embrace that. One of my hardest lessons to contend with is how, unconsciously, being raped impacts the mind, how I see myself, my unconscious however very present, day to day, fears and I am still learning to articulate these things for myself but being raped in any manor, leaves such mental scars which do make you double guess your worth constantly. It’s like thinking highly of yourself and then you get triggered or remember to a T what happened and it replays and in that moment you feel weak and lost and hurt and can never and will never understand that unkindness: It is in those moments I am reminded it is not for me to understand, I cannot rationalise another Human Beings behaviour but suffocating and drowning in silence prompted my cry for Self Love, an act I must do for myself everyday because I, like you, am worth it.
Back to present day, it is sad to witness someone behave so carelessly with their life and to witness the people around them also behave recklessly so much so that they ignore the requests of them to do better which not only causes harm to themselves but harms me.
Sleep deprivation kills and my brain and body, just cannot cope when I am subjected to hear hours of verbal abuse, not directed at me, but through a fragile wall amongst themselves and so loud they may as well be in my space with me.
One way I am impacted, from inadequate sleep, is that my mind races even faster than usual and my creative productivity gets messed up as well as the day and I feel rage and all kinds of emotions because there is no need for people to behave in such a way, unless they don’t love themselves, unless they thrive on disfunction.
My ears are exhausted from hearing and the energy can feel so bad, leaving me feeling drained.
I went out for some respite today however the knock on effect feels like I have a terrible hangover, I am extra sensitive in the presence of others, so much so, I have to keep my distance as much as possible and all the while people seem to have no awareness for personal space, even when I am trying. I also pick up on other people’s energy more, feeling like a super absorbent sponge. All the Brain power it takes to navigate these interactions or should I say, to avoid them is also very very taxing and so doing that without adequate sleep was safe to say not the answer merely a moment of distraction because my head hurt too much to be outside and my coat too hot but its acts as a shield - I don’t want anyone to look at me or to disturb me or to require my attention or mistakenly think, I desire theirs.
I really needed the breather yet at the same time it was all too much, I couldn’t wait to get home, even with the apprehensive feeling of how tonight may go.
At least, I can recognise and acknowledge overwhelm and I am actively releasing any guilt for not being able to do more.
It’s OK.
One moment at a time, one day at a time.
I can move differently now.
I hope you are able to navigate overwhelm smoothly.
I hope you had a good day.
Sending light and love, ALWAYS x
And Remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully BIG Adventure.”
Lahayla Dahlia Lore
