I have an untold number of drafts that I have started and then lost momentum or maybe, honestly, I felt scared of my own vulnerability, too scared to share.
I had a moment where I know I was really riding my own wave and it felt amazing and then life happens/people happen and rejection sensitivity spikes and negative thought patterns take over which I know now, can also just be projections from those surrounding you who have tried to break you, in the same way intentionally or unintentionally they have broken others, discerning that spiritual interception is important.
I needed time to pause.
I needed to create time for myself.
The energy of the city is infectious and to me it isn’t in a good way, from what I see it drives people into sickness and yet its so easy to get swept away in, even I find myself on occassion, in this great rush to push forward and I forget to take a moment to be present where I am, even if where I am has come with challenges I not only didn’t expect but never realised the way of living I have witnessed, is a reality for some.
I have felt like, what I am expressing is falling on deaf ears, which is awfully triggering but wouldn’t be the first instance in my life and yet so often this is the case when people are not experiencing what you are and actually this experience has taught me to stand on business. Follow through with the actions I need to and whilst I can have compassion, I mustn’t allow my compassion and empathy to pull the wool over my eyes, I have had to stay present and call it what it is. Exhausting.
Not only exhausting to journey through but living with Complex PTSD is already a trip and so when circumstances beyond ones control arise, its painful, I feel literal pain in my body because I do not have any control of how other Human Beings choose to behave and of course, on some level I have always understood this but growing up, I was the fixer anything could be solved if you pour enough love into it and whilst I know love changes many things I also know pouring love into people who do not love themselves is futile, its the quickest way to fall victim to manipulation and it really is that deep because some people use tactics as a means of survival without evening knowing they are doing so, they get an inch of kindness and usually because they are not used to the kind of kindness that is provided, their brains operate in calculated ways which as on observer, this can be scary. This is also the quickest way to fall into traps of abuse, especially when you are sensitive or have a natural inclination to want to help people -
When is enough, enough?
It’s been an absolute battle of healing and fighting, considering how best to manage everything and manage myself, to ensure I do not become consumed with depression or fall into the ‘it’s my fault’ trap which I know are remnants from childhood.
As a child,
when things don’t make sense,
if you don’t have people pouring love into you
and speaking with you about things
and reassuring you
or providing an explanation when things go wrong,
it is very easy to fall into the trap of believing everything is your fault
and you can develop an internal dialog that maintains that story;
so you tell yourself and believe,
that everything that goes wrong,
that actually has nothing to do with you at all,
is your fault and that becomes your burden to bear.
I guess I could say I have been doing lots of internal reconfiguration and its frightening how scary being triggered in real time can take you back to moments you haven’t thought about or buried and how in those moments, that’s exactly when you have to deal with your feelings otherwise you just continue to suppress.
One of the worst habits present day Humans upkeep is avoiding our feelings, refusing to be present with them because somewhere along the lines we forgot how to and I know we are undoubtably and thankfully, in a great time of change and I know there are many of us revisiting natural practices and becoming more attuned to our bodies which is brilliant but there is also a vast majority of people who just avoid avoid avoid and I wish they knew, as I had to learn, how detrimental this is for them, their mind, their body and soul.
I birthed SELFLOVELOVESELF365 in a bathtub, in 2018, out of my own need to stop avoiding my self. It was both the most excruciating and invigorating year of my life, I had to release a lot, I had to take charge of who I was becoming and yet I was still so far from this point now, I was so hurt and so in need and so alone but that was indeed what I needed, I had had to create the opportunity for myself to explore how life had treated me up until that point and most importantly, how I had treated myself, how I was actively making choices that bit by bit were chipping away at me whilst presenting myself in the world, as tough as nails and happy as Larry, as they say.
I was tough, I had to be, being the eldest child, the surrogate parent, the emotional support system and knower of all things yet knower of nothing at all, pertaining to understanding oneself, being in tune with self, listening to self and knowing self beyond the projections and familiar roles you learn quickly to play.
I learned quickly the importance of Self Love or should I say remembered and I know that if only people would have the courage to dig deeper and release the need to avoid themselves, undoubtably, the world would be a better place and it starts with each one of us, first.
I spent this evening organising, in a really loose way no specific outcome expected and in doing so I guess I also cleared up space within myself to write and that feels amazing because the few times I have made drafts recently I felt so disheartened.
To be vulnerable or not to be, had been the question on my mind.
And every time I sent a piece to draft, I was disappointed in myself because I assumed it meant I was failing to show up but something I just coined and posted on Twitter (It will always be Twitter ;) IYKYK) actually, was:
Infrequent High Quality Over Frequent Quantity
And this is so important for me because we all know the so called tricks and hacks of social media and the drive to be consistent usually means post everyday, a certain amount of times a day etc BUT I am happy to accept myself, I am not always on, that is not how this mind works and its such a beautiful space to be in, to embrace this very moment, because as I know feelings are fleeting and there are so many factors for me that hinder creativity so I am basking in this moment, fully present as I write this with excitement, so much so, I even managed to stop myself multitasking as I often do, to come back to writing; I felt the rush to want to write and finish what I have started and that makes me happy.
So I say all of this to say get comfortable with making time for yourself, no excuses. Merely organising, created such a vast amount of space for me to use my voice and these are things we can all remember, when the mind is cluttered check out your environment, a clean and tidy goes a long way not just for appearance but for the soul and I appreciate those things aren’t always deemed as a priority but I truly believe it is the things we put off most and avoid that hold us back.
Avoiding ourselves holds us back,
Not doing the things we know we need to do holds us back,
and I say this with compassion and empathy as sometimes it is so easy to say things and know this answer whilst understanding neurodivergence doesn’t work in that way which is another reason why awareness and taking time to get to know yourself is important because then you can ease off beating yourself up for waiting for the right moment.
The magic is in the flow, releasing anxiety, again something that is no joke and probably, still, heavily misunderstood and I say that from the point of view of having it and being so used to it, up until recently I wouldn’t have been able to acknowledge or express what it feels like which seems crazy given its something I feel I have lived with forever, I simply just didn’t recognise or understand it myself.
This is a reminder to all of us to be kind to ourselves, to learn and continue to continue learning throughout this journey to love ourselves through all of our phases and first do right by I, because in doing right by I, one will surely do right by others.
Sending light & love, ALWAYS x
And Remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully BIG Adventure.”
Lahayla Dahlia Lore
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