I woke up today feeling,
so full of feelings,
crying on and off
and on and off
and on.
Exhausted by my own thoughts, exhausted from trying to find resolve, from needing all the answers right now and simultaneously not having the energy to process it all.
I bathed.
I know my hormones are high and I also know anything coming up in this moment is important to process and so I have been trying to give myself the space to feel through everything whilst being kind to myself because it is so easy to allow the annoying voice inside to convince me I am not good enough, maybe I was told too often as a child/teenage something wasn’t good enough and today of all days, it is creeping through, throwing me off, convincing me I am less than.
It hurts to feel so sad and I know it will pass but until it does I am taking the time to catch any negative chatter and usher in words of affirmation.
The hormones that trigger low mood during my cycle can be so hard to shake off and then before you know it, your caught up ruminating on the past or parts of the past that need healing and so whilst it can be a very annoying experience, especially as it just shows up unannounced on important days when you actually need to be present and participate in life, it’s also an invitation to be aware and present with what I am feeling.
It’s ok to admit that it feels hard or complicated or difficult. It’s ok to wish that you had some of your needs met and it's also OK to admit how exhausting it can be having to meet all your own needs all by yourself; that some days you do need a hug and some kind words and that isn’t something to be ashamed of, nor does it make you weak.
I am in two minds about how I wish to participate in today, part of me wants to curl up in a ball and hide under the duvet and part of me is deliberating whether I stick to my commitment and just put on a brave face. Whilst I know there will be enjoyment in following through with the commitment, I guess the call to hide has moments that seem more alluring and then on the same hand I question myself as to why I think it’s acceptable to ignore myself and ignore my body because quite frankly that isn’t kind.
I wonder if this is Self Sabotage or a cry to be heard for all the times I didn’t listen to myself when I have been in need, observing how when there is no one to soothe you, do you also adopt the behaviour of failing to soothe yourself?
I wish I had the answers.
I have always struggled with having to show up happy when on the inside I am sad, I have always pushed through the worst of circumstances when actually I needed to be held and so this crossroad today is highly frustrating.
I’m great at making others feel better and being the voice of motivation and yet today I am struggle to be that for myself.
I already lent on food for comfort and If I’m being honest there really isn’t anything anyone else can do per se, sometimes just being seen or having someone present is enough but I guess that’s the problem with mental health, it the internal battle that a beautiful smiling face hides.
Now as I type I am asking myself, do I push through and hope for the best or do I free myself of guilt and rest, will I be annoyed that I am unable to participate in today’s thing or focus on self soothing? Is my mood so uncontrollable it may rub people the wrong way or even in the company of others make me isolate? Am I anxious/nervous and so is this making everything feel 10 times worse…?
I just don’t have the answers and that’s ok. I recognise that going ahead with my plans will distract me from self for a while and perhaps that’s what I need but escapism isn’t what I desire, I would prefer to address myself and answer questions like: am I just being cruel to myself and preventing my progress?
Do I just not truly believe in myself, am I afraid to succeed and what does that look like to me anyway?
What do I actually need?
I can go ahead with my plans and maybe I arrive and change my mind.
Maybe I stay in the safety of my home and beat myself up about not having the courage to go.
The conundrum.
TBC
However You Are Feeling I Hope You Give yourself The Chance To Feel Through It.
Wishing you a good day!
And Remember: “To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully BIG Adventure.”
