This is the second of a two-part post challenging men to take up their Biblical role as the head of the home, and embrace the call to love their wives. Part I can be found here.
Texts
Ephesians 5:25-33, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Colossians 3:19, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
1 Peter 3:7, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Introduction
In last week’s post I started by pointing to the biblical fact of the man’s headship in the home, and then turned to what Paul says is therefore the man’s number one responsibility as the head: to model Christ’s love for the church. Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her.
We began, then, by looking at how a man actually stepping into the role of leadership and taking initiative was a key way to demonstrate love to his wife. Today we’re going to look at two more ways a man can show his wife that he loves her. Are there more ways to show love than this? Sure. But these three, taken together, give a really good foundation for moving you down the road toward health.
Love by Sacrificing
The second way a man can love his wife is through sacrifice. Remember, the model put forth by Paul is that of Jesus Christ, who laid down his life for the church. Here we have the beauty of the gospel on full display, as we understand that Jesus literally came to earth for the express purpose of dying for his bride: the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
Now, I hope any man reading this would be more than glad to lay down his life for any woman, but especially his wife. I think most genuinely Christian men would. But, here’s the deal: most of the time you don’t have to take a bullet for your wife, or send her out on the lifeboat while you stay with the sinking Titanic. What you will be called to do is sacrifice through the way you live.
I think the most basic way you do this is by making a living, and committing that living to the support of your family. I intend at some point to do a more extended series on work, because I think as Christians we often undervalue the profound value there is in good work well done (this podcast series is a great place to begin thinking through some of these matters). There is value in entrepreneurship, wise risk-taking, and being the best employee you can be. Economic activity, engaged in with the right attitude and motives, glorifies God. But at a very basic level, one way to find meaning in your work, even if it seems menial or insignificant, is to realize that God is providing for your family through your labor. That’s an ennobling reality. Jesus made provision for our life and salvation at the cross. We should not begrudge our work, we should take pride in where the Lord has placed us, and seek to do our very best. But there will be times when we feel the full weight of the curse and the thorns. In those moments, remembering that we don’t merely work for our own provision and pleasure, but in order to provide for the family he has given, can spur us to continue on. That kind of sacrifice is necessary if we are to provide for those in our care.
And I want to recognize that many of the men reading this newsletter get this at a gut level - you realize you need to go bring home the proverbial bacon. But I want you to see that it has far more significance than just bacon and eggs. In this sacrificing your time, your labors, your energy, your most productive years, not to simply chasing dreams of your own, but to providing stability and security for your wife and children - this is your opportunity each day to model Christ’s own love to your wife. Brothers, sacrifice your life for the good of your wife.
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Love by Knowing
Third, you need to love your wife by seeking to understand her. This may be the hardest of the three ways I’ve listed. The above quoted 1 Peter 3 text literally reads, to live with your wives “according to knowledge.” Men, if I were to poll your wives, and ask, “does your husband really know what makes you tick?”, how many would raise their hands?
Men, we often feel lost here. So let me give you a tool tip - I’m not saying this is infallible, but notice it - ask what your wife is reading. Some will say, “nothing”, and in the modern world that’s a lie. We’re all reading all the time. It may be captions on tiktok and instagram posts, but she’s reading something. Now, think about why she’s reading what she’s reading. Is it the Bible? Ask what part she’s reading, and what the Lord is teaching her in that. And ask yourself if you are leading the way, or if she’s having to carry all the spiritual water in the home. Or is she mainly taking in humorous, short, online content? What is she overwhelmed by and trying to escape? Is it romance novels (or, as Andie refers to them, emotional pornography)? What emotional needs are being unmet, that she is seeking to escape into this fantasy world? I’m not saying this will lead to comfortable thoughts and conversations. But hopefully they should provoke you to try and understand your wife more deeply. Broadly speaking, men want to be respected. Women want to be known. Seek to know your wife.
This can be a place where a tool like Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages comes in handy, or any general personality assessment that you can use to discuss your differing communication styles. And then - here is the key - don’t take that information and then say, “wow, she’s weirder or more messed up than I realized before.” Don’t use it to judge her against yourself. Use the information you’ve gained in order to better show her love. Many women are hurt, thinking their husbands don’t love them. Those same husbands are confused, because they think that they are showing love. But they’re showing it in a way that matters to them. Men, you often fail to communicate your love clearly, and so your wife feels unloved. It doesn’t matter how loving you feel toward your wife if she never receives that communication. So study her in order that you might clearly communicate your love.
You also need to study your wife in order to understand her strengths and weaknesses. You need to understand her strengths for the obvious reason that she is your helpmeet, and any wise leader knows the strengths of his team. If she’s a whiz with numbers and you couldn’t multiply your way out of a paper box, maybe you shouldn’t be balancing the checkbook. Don’t let your pride get in the way of your wife serving you in those areas where she is your better. Know her strengths.
But you also need to know where your wife is weak. This is important, because Peter says you are to honor your wife as the weaker vessel. Our society sees weakness and wants to smash it. But God says we ought to guard the weak. He speaks this way of the church in 1 Corinthians, that we ought to honor weaker members, and here in marriage, we do not despise those ways in which our wife is weaker.
This is one of those verses that makes people in our society bristle - weaker vessel?! Says who?! Well, physically this is obvious. Men have roughly 50% more lean muscle mass than women, and, depending on exactly where you get your numbers, the average man is stronger than 97-99% of women. So, except in very rare circumstances, you will be stronger - much stronger - than your wife. You need to honor that. Of course, we live in a time when physical strength is less needed day-to-day than it ever has been. But it will still show up in small areas, even if they seem silly: if your wife needs help opening the pickle jar, you shouldn’t sigh and make sarcastic comments. You should gladly pop it open.
On a more serious note, this is where it’s important to say that you must never use your physical advantage over your wife to harm her. There is never - I will repeat, never - an excuse for any physical violence toward your wife. I don’t care what she did, I don’t care how angry you are. You are commanded by God to be strong and physically strong for her. Never against her. Of course we can come up with times when restraint might be in order - if she were abusing a child, for instance. By all means use your strength in that moment. But even there, it’s actually the same principle - you use your strength to protect those weaker than yourself. Never to take advantage.
This crosses from just physical actions, to recognizing physical presence and emotional power in a relationship. Men, not only must you pursue love and always refrain from physical violence, you must be wary with how you use your words. You must not seek to intimidate, demean, put down, or manipulate your wife. Remember Colossians 3:19, “do not be harsh with them.” Many men who would never lay a finger on their wives are nonetheless quite verbally and emotionally harsh. Men, if this is you, you must stop. This does not mean you are not clear and straightforward. We talked about leadership last week, and leadership requires hard conversations, frank conversations. You must do and say what’s right, even if there is disagreement and feelings may be hurt. But you must recognize the difference between honesty and harshness. That difference can be in the intention. But it can also lie in unconscious things like tone and setting. The same words said mockingly in public as compared to a gentle and direct way privately can carry a very different message.
Know your wife. And do not be harsh with her.
Conclusion: Treasure
The Bible’s teaching for men is often characterized as do do do, sacrifice sacrifice sacrifice, and it leaves a lot of guys wondering, what’s in it for me? Why must we do so much for our wives and think about them? Isn’t there any place for us looking out for what our needs and interests are? Well, what Paul and Peter both make clear is that to treasure your wife, and value her above yourself, is to honor yourself. Paul, pointing out that we are one flesh in marriage, reminds us of Jesus’ example: he died for his Bride, and he now washes her in water with the word.
“28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.”
Brothers, loving your wife is loving yourself. Doing what is best for your wife is doing what is best for you. One way we must grow as Christians is to stop thinking in purely atomistic and individual terms. You are the covenant head of your family, responsible before God for your household. This begins in your relationship with your wife, and so to cherish her as yourself truly is wisdom.
Peter reminds us what great dignity our wives have in the eyes of God. When he told his readers to dwell with their wives in an understanding way, showing honor to her as the weaker vessel, he said you must do this as a fellow heir in the grace of life. This means she is a daughter of the Almighty King of the universe. How should that affect your treatment of her?
You might think that language sounds a little extreme, but those are precisely the terms Peter uses: he issues this command “so that your prayers may not be hindered.” Have you ever wondered if God blocked your cell phone number? Your prayers just seem ineffectual, or it’s hard to grow spiritually. Stop and evaluate how you are treating your wife. Do you resent her, are you harsh? Or do you seek to honor her, do you view her as God’s greatest gift to you in this earthly life?
Men, we are called to lead in our homes. You are the head of the home. But you must exercise that role in the pattern of the Lord Jesus, who boldly led and spoke the truth - and who humbled himself, taking the form of a servant. Men, we must love and serve our wives. There will be times when we are called to make hard leadership decisions for their sake. And if they are to trust us in those things, we need to have built a life and relationship where such trust makes sense. May God help us.
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