Aborted Blessing
Abortion, throughout church history, has been clearly seen as a grave moral wrong. It is only in the past 100 years that some bearing the name of Christian have tried to justify the practice. Frankly, they do not have biblical arguments to sustain their positions. And they don’t usually try.
But part of why abortion seems plausible in our society is due to a mindset prevalent even among people in the church, including those with children: we see children as a burden.
Should we? Psalm 127:3-5 says,
3 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
Children are a heritage “from the Lord.” “Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them.” How does this compare with the drumbeat of statements like: “do you know where they come from?” “Why would you want more than two kids?” “Just you wait until they’re older, then you’ll know how hard it is.” “I just need to get away from my children, they’re ruining my life.”
But God calls children a blessing. This used to be understood at an intuitive level, back when economies were primarily centered around the home. Many hands to help on the farm, or in the bakery, or in the carpentry shop were all seen to be good things. But as the world became more industrialized, and mouths to feed simply meant more hours away at work in order to afford feeding and clothing and housing those mouths - as children became, in a real sense, less productive members of the household - this reality has seemed more distant. Then with the advent of the pill, the sexual revolution, and abortion on demand, having children became a completely optional byproduct of sex, rather than a necessary factor to account for. And so the “burden” took on a new aspect in people’s minds. Why would you sign up for all the work which children are, if you could just take a pill and avoid it?
So people have, for decades now, ceased to think of children as the normal byproduct of a fruitful marriage union—and a potential consequence of any sexual behavior, whether we’re married or not. Instead, we see children as an optional accessory to our self-fulfillment projects. How many kids do you want? “I’ve always imagined having three” or “I liked being an only child, we’ll just have one.” “I’ve always dreamed of a big family.” We tend to think about children the way we think about everything else: as expressions of ourselves. A means to fulfill our own happiness.
Birth Control
But this is not the biblical understanding. Man and woman are given the responsibility, by God, to be fruitful and multiply. His enabling them to accomplish this task, not least through the having of children, is seen throughout scripture as a sign of his blessing.
Now, the topic of birth control, per se, is not directly addressed by the Bible. There is no “thus says the Lord” on this topic, so you won’t read one from me. But there are a few principles to understand and take to heart.
* Any form of birth control which is abortifacient in nature must be rejected by Christians. This includes not only direct abortions, but drugs like the “morning after pill”, and technologies like intrauterine devices which create an inhospitable climate for fertilized eggs to implant.
* We should be exceedingly cautious about permanent alterations to the human body—like sterilization. Again, there is no specific biblical prohibition here, but to prevent our bodies from carrying on their natural reproductive functions is a major choice which should not be undertaken without serious consideration and prayer. Remember what the apostle Paul says to the Corinthians—your body is not your own.
* Be careful of the other ditch: some Christians read Psalm 127 and create a whole theology of “children are a blessing” out of it, and subsequently believe that the desire to have a quiver full of arrows means that one must have as many kids as possible. But notice what Psalm 127 actually says: “like arrows in the hands of a warrior.” A warrior is someone skilled in the use of arrows. At the end of verse five: “He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.” This is only true if he has good and noble children who are
* able to be pointed to by him as a witness to his faithfulness, or
* literally there with him, and able to defend their father.
Children are not an unqualified blessing in the Bible.A wise son is a blessing. But a foolish son is sorrow to his mother (Proverbs 10:1), grief to his father (17:25), and brings bitterness and shame to she who bore him (17:25, 29:15). So there are legitimate questions you need to consider, not only about “can I afford to clothe and feed these people”, but also about your own capacity and willingness to lay aside other hobbies, desires, and goals in order to focus on raising godly children. Because, news flash: it’s a lot of work. Blessed work. But work.
* Which brings us to really the fundamental issue—approach this question as you should any question: in faith. Faith that God will give you wisdom if you ask for it without doubting (James 1:5). Faith that he will provide for all of your needs. Do not make fear based decisions, but do act with wisdom. Don’t just assume that whatever the culture pushes is correct—it often isn’t. Search the scriptures, pray, and realize that there is no greater joy than having godly children. They are a blessing to be received.
Withheld Blessing
But that leads us to another question: what if you can’t have children? This is a common struggle, both now and in biblical times. In the ancient world it carried with it a sense of shame, because a woman’s worth was often measured by their ability to have children. Thankfully, that’s not the case today (at least not in most places). But it still can be an enormously difficult situation for couples to walk through.
And here is an area where it seems like modern technology is here to help us out. There is a whole industry associated with helping couples have babies. And that seems, at least on the surface, like a good and helpful thing.
But I want to throw a big yellow light out, here. Christians, by and large, have blindly accepted whatever the medical industry has pushed in terms of technology in this area. In ways that have frankly not been wise.
I’m a pastor, not a doctor, and the Bible doesn’t speak directly to this issue. But I want to give a few principles for thinking through these situations:
* Any method of assistance in reproduction which creates fertilized eggs - human embryos - which will not be implanted, which will be frozen or thrown away, must be rejected by Christians. This means that a practice like IVF, as it is normally practiced, should not be considered ethical. (Hypothetically it could be practiced without creating “extras”, but that is not how it is done).
* Separating procreation from the physical act of sex should also give us severe pause: just because we can do something technologically, should we do it? Again, we have a question here of “how do we think about children?” Are they a blessing from God meant to be the fruit of a marriage union? Or are they designer accessories for our modern lives? Do we have the moral right to create human life in a petri dish, only to be implanted into a uterus or fallopian tubes at some later date?
* The third area that ought to give us pause comes from thinking about the rights of the children themselves: the right to grow up in kinship networks of those to whom they are really and biologically connected. Now, adoption will be raised here, and we’ll touch on it shortly. But adoption is pretty much always preceded by bad circumstances not controlled by the parents who end up raising the child. But when we start talking about practices of egg donation, sperm donation, or surrogacy, we’re intentionally cutting the child off from some important connection to their past, their roots, their kin. And that is a dangerous game to play.
So, that’s not really a list of do/don’t do, so much as a list of concerns and cautions that arise from an understanding of human beings being made in the image of God, and every life (no matter how small) being precious. We should be very cautious about “taking matters into our own hands” - or giving matters into the hands of doctors governed by worldly thinking.
What do you do?
But then, what do you do? What if, like Hannah in 1 Samuel 1, you deeply desire children: but unlike Hannah, the Lord withholds them from you? Maybe you’ve had this question in your personal life. You’ll almost certainly have this discussion with someone at some point, especially if you start to question the validity of practices around IVF and the like. What do you say?
First, it is right to lament the unfulfilled status of good desires. Christians struggle with this, because we think we’re supposed to be smiley and sunshiny all the time. But if you are dealing with health struggles, it’s right to long for the healing of your body. If you have relationships falling apart, it’s right to mourn over those losses. If you are single and want to be married, there’s nothing wrong with struggling over the unfulfilled nature of that desire. And likewise with children. If you want to have children and don’t, it’s okay to be sad.
But as Christians, the most important question isn’t, “how do I get un-sad?” or “how can I fix my circumstances?” Those may well be good questions in their time and place. But a more important question, when faced with difficulty, is: “what would you have me to learn, Lord? How do you want me to grow?”
We don’t know the immediate cause of many of our struggles in this life. But we do know that the ultimate purpose in them is for God to bring about our good: and he defines good for us by our growing in likeness to Jesus: Romans 8:28-29,
28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
No matter what struggles you face in life, if you are in Christ, he has brought you to these things that he might grow you in your faith. If you walk in faith - confidently expecting him to bring growth, and seeking obedience in every circumstance - then he will bring growth in your life. That’s a promise.
But he isn’t just looking to grow you on the inside. Every circumstance brings unique opportunities as well. I want to briefly mention two opportunities that childless couples have to serve the Lord in unique ways.
* The first is adoption. Now, obviously, families who have children by birth also can and do adopt. But some of the questions which make the decision more fraught for a family with kids are not as pressing when you don’t already have children in the picture. You have a greater freedom to just consider the good of the children you are bringing in. This is a beautiful opportunity to model the love of God the Father: remember, if you are a Christian, you are God’s child by adoption. JI Packer called this doctrine one of the most important and neglected in the Christian life. By practicing adoption, you are putting God’s adopting love on display for the world to see. To freely bring children who need a family into your family is a clear demonstration of the love of God for us.
* The other opportunity is simply freedom for ministry. The apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, praises the freedom which singleness gives when seeking to serve the Lord. And while marriage without children still has all the encumbrances of - well, marriage - there is more freedom of time and energy to devote to being a mother and father, a brother and a sister, to other believers. So my exhortation to those without children (or even those whose children have grown and who have different responsibilities than you once did toward them), is to lean into discipling other believers.
Conclusion
A central reason for marriage in the Bible - though not the only one! - is raising godly offspring. This means that in marriage, believers should have a fundamental openness toward having children; understanding that the blessing of those children comes not only in their birth, but in the process of raising them toward godly adulthood. And it also means that we recognize that for those from whom God withholds that gift, he is opening up other avenues for them to still testify to the importance of family - his family - the church. Our earthly families, as important as they are, are not eternal. The church is.
As believers, we all strive together to honor God’s image in everyone. And we don’t do that by making our children an idol. Rather, we seek to use whatever circumstances and gifts God has given us to raise up - in our homes, our church, our community - disciples of Jesus who will testify to coming generations of the greatness of our God.
Psalm 78:4, “We will not hide them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the LORD, and his might, and the wonders that he has done.”
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A Heartbreaking Music Video
This song, “We Don’t Fight Anymore” by Carly Pearce, is one of those songs that will just get stuck in my ear. Especially with Chris Stapleton on the background vocals, her voice just perfectly captures the ache of a relationship that has disintegrated past the point of fighting. There’s no point in yelling, or tearing up the house. They’ve moved past hate and into almost complete silence.
But if the combination of songwriting and vocal talent and beautiful instrumentation in the background wasn’t gut-wrenching enough, somehow this video takes it over the top.
It physically hurt to watch them lay in the same bed in silence, out of reach from one another. And yet, in what I consider a stroke of directing genius, when the house burns in the end, they step closer. Not back to one another. There’s no bow on the end solving the heartache. But you can see that they see that they once had something here, together. A home. That’s now in flames. Will the tragedy bring them together? We don’t know. It’s unreasonable to think so. And yet, the credits roll with hope—just a flicker. Like the light of a candle.
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