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“Why don’t you relax? Obviously, I was only joking.”
This is a phrase that’s often thrown out by abusive people who get called out on their hurtful behavior. At some point, our society has to recognize that calling something a “joke” doesn’t make it right.
It is not easy to deal with other human beings. These days, I don’t talk to many people beyond my wife and kids. My wife works at the local school district, and on many days she comes home to tell me about the passive-aggressive swipes she has to endure.
People say a lot of nasty things in our society. To a large extent, we’ve normalized hate speech to the point where it’s allowed to trickle down into the workplace. Hate can be evoked with coded language that appears innocent. This emboldens people to indulge in extreme acts of cruelty.
There’s no profit in tolerating abusive behavior. In fact, doing so only further contributes to an already crippling social debt.
We don’t want you, we want your predecessor!
A few years ago, my wife wife worked as a replacement for a teacher named Darlene. At a mindfulness meeting, one of her co-workers stood up and declared, “We want Darlene back!” This was in response to the principal congratulating my wife on doing an excellent job.
The woman who cried out for Darlene’s return was the school “mindfulness” expert.
I know from experience that I’m not good in situations like that. When I feel somebody is taking a swipe at me, I am quick to respond with the most cutting words imaginable. Other people often lament that they come up with good comebacks a few days later. I don’t have that problem. What most people don’t realize is that not being able to come up with a comeback is actually a good thing. I’ve gotten into trouble more than once.
Besides my wife and my kids, the only other person I regularly talk to is Isak the dog walker. Most of the time, he just screams about the injustices of the world. Then he says, “I don’t want to think about these things, I’m just going to hang out with dogs.” He’s got the right idea.
It’s tempting to fall into hopelessness, but there are some good practices we can adopt to help move the needle towards a better society.
Stop hate speech directed at immigrants
Darlene is a white teacher and my wife is an immigrant. Since 2016 (and before), immigrants have been the target of an appalling hate campaign. Hatred directed at immigrants has been normalized to the point that the military has been deployed to round them up.
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
People keep saying we need to put the “Christ back into Christmas.” I think we need to put the Christ back into Christianity.
There are ongoing and well-funded hate campaigns against the Black community, the LGBTQ+ community, Immigrants, and many more. Sometimes these campaigns are camouflaged by a transparent veneer you can barely perceive, but apologists claim the cover obfuscates the underlying message enough that you’re being “overly sensitive” if you object.
“You can’t erase history, that’s why we’re leaving the statues of Confederate soldiers where they are.”
“It’s not racist to sing a song with verses about murdering enslaved Black human beings. It’s patriotism! We’re allowed to love our country.”
“I have a right to protect my family. Nations need a secure border. A border wall is no different than the walls of your home and the locks on your doors!”
All three of these examples represent hate speech. All three of these examples represent lies. Confederate statues and the Star-Spangled Banner are both symbols of white supremacy as is any mention of the Southern border.
It’s not about “border security,” most immigrants come into the US through airports. When people complain about the Southern border, they’re not worried about border security, they’re worried about the dilution of the Aryan bloodline.
That’s normalized hatred and it’s disgusting.
Hate speech trickles down
When hate speech becomes normalized, its starts to trickle down into every social interaction. When you’re exposed to hate speech, you’re expected to endure it because it’s the kind of talk that routinely appears in the media.
“It’s not my fault, I read it in the newspaper. I’m just saying what I think!”
To what extent does the hatred directed at immigrants influence the co-worker who keeps pestering my wife? It’s “normal” to attack immigrants isn’t it? It was a campaign promise from the presidential candidate of a major political party, in fact, he won on that promise.
One of the results of the hate rhetoric that’s become so normalized in the last few years is that white people no longer feel compelled to extend the same courtesy to other groups that they feel entitled to receive.
It’s an example of hate speech for a white teacher to stand in front of a mob of other white teachers and declare that she wants the one immigrant teacher replaced. Yet, I guarantee this teacher would be shocked if you brought the awfulness of her behavior to her attention.
“It was just a joke, you have to learn to take a joke. I just really like Darlene. It has nothing to do with you.”
But if an immigrant stood in front of the class and said the white teachers should be replaced by immigrants, imagine the outcry. The dominant culture does not like it when they are on the receiving end of the abuse they routinely inflict on everyone around them. They are the last people to perceive it as a “joke” and laugh it off. No, there will be consequences.
“I demand to talk to the manager!”
It’s dangerous for social environments to indulge any degree of hate speech. Passive-aggressive statements are the first step in grooming society towards a state of racial oppression. Today, we’re a lot closer to an authoritarian society than we are to an equitable one. We’ve got to turn around and start making progress in the other direction.
Stop saying hateful things that are derived from a hate-informed viewpoint. This shouldn’t be controversial.
Schools are conservative, not liberal
One of the most absurd arguments I see from the radical right is this nonsensical idea that schools are “liberal.” This is yet another lie in a campaign of misinformation that’s been deployed to dismantle the institution of public education.
Authoritarians want an ignorant, desperate, hateful public because that represents a population that’s easy to control. First they reform public education into their own image, then they attack it by claiming they’re “underrepresented” even though the conservative viewpoint is dominant in schools.
They don’t teach black history.
They force children to recite a nationalistic chant written by a white supremacist every morning.
Public schools also show a disturbing preference for hiring white teachers.
Hatred is never meant as a joke
It’s not unreasonable to assume that all the hate-embracing practices public education can be attributed to the kind of trickle-down hatred that’s been allowed to stain our culture. Pointing it out is like touching a live wire. The next thing you know, monsters with secret SS tattoos hidden beneath their collars buy up all the Tiki torches at the local hardware store and go marching on the capitol.
That line about “learn how to take a joke” is never well-received by those who constantly use it to brow-beat marginalized communities. People who routinely engage in hate speech have absolutely no comprehension of humor. They’re right. It’s not funny. What they don’t recognize is that it’s also not funny when they make those comments.
Resist the impulse to respond in kind
I have cathartic conversations with my wife. I suggest things she can say to the privileged members of the dominant community who think they have the right to torment her with their indifferent cruelty. My wife is wise enough to be disinclined to repeat the things I say.
The truth is, my ability to come up with a quick comeback is a consequence of a lifetime of privilege. I can say whatever I want and I know I can fall back on the, “Can’t you take a joke?” argument. That isn’t there for my wife and she knows it. She understands that she has to absorb the slings and arrows of those jerks because it’s more important that the children of immigrant parents can look at her and see that they are represented among members of the school staff.
“If she can make it, so can I.”
In her, they have an advocate. She can’t risk that for the sake of a biting comeback when she knows that she’s not of the race that’s exempted from consequences.
In fact, I’m doing my wife a disservice by indulging my conditioned response to handle insults or passive-aggressive comments with a quick reply. That represents a complete misunderstanding of her situation, and I should spare her from shoving my privilege in her face.
I’m learning. My wife says I’m “trainable.” I take that as a compliment.
Suggesting a biting insult is like telling her to buy a Tiki torch and march on a government building. If my immigrant wife, or a member of any non-dominant community did that, they’d get shot, and they know it.
That’s the problem.
The entitled, passive, and indifferent cruelty of our society
Often, when you accuse somebody of indulging in hate speech, they don’t apologize. Instead, they laugh at you. “That’s ridiculous!” they say. “You’re making it up. That clearly wasn’t my intention. What’s wrong with you?”
Then they double down as if to punish you for speaking out and say something even worse. This makes us disinclined to call them out, but what we overlook is that they double down even if you don’t say anything.
Hate speech is a form of grooming. Abusive people who care nothing about the feelings of others constantly encroach upon the boundaries of their future victims. Even as they’re building physical walls, they’re tearing down emotional ones so they can expose vulnerability and indulge their sadistic impulses.
Normalize the end of hatred
The fact is that the sensitivity meter of our whole society is set way too low. We allow phrases like “build the wall” to be chanted without objection. We should be objecting to that. We should be objecting to much more than that. The people in your life who repeat those phrases need to have it explained to them how their language has been contaminated with a strain of pure hatred.
There’s a lot more hate speech out there than you recognize. The reason you don’t recognize it is because it’s not directed at you. Nobody’s threatening to round up white people and throw them in concentration camps. If reading that sentence provoked a shiver of concern, imagine how immigrants feel right now.
Immigrants, the Black community, and the LGBTQ+ community hear a message of hatred every single day. You only think it’s a “joke” because you’re not the target. But if you sit and do nothing, sooner or later somebody you love will be hurt by this. That’s the only end game here.
Enough is enough.
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