Description

If you want to know where you stand with someone, don’t listen to what they say. Watch what they do.

It’s taking me years to learn this. And I got a great reminder of it a few weeks ago. It was late afternoon in Mammoth Lakes, California, fifty degrees with a little cloud cover, and the trails near our favorite place to stay, Tamarack Lodge, were enticing. I mean, the mountain looked absolutely pristine, birds were chirping like they were auditioning for Pitch Perfect, and there was hardly anyone around. Ideal conditions.

So I’m about a quarter of the way up the mountain, and I notice where the snow has melted there’s a line where reality begins. One side looks composed in gorgeous white. The other side is real life.

Broken branches. Dry brown scrubs. Rocks. Dirt. Dead trees.

It was the perfect metaphor for the disconnect between what someone says they’ll do and what they actually do.

And then I thought about all the people I know who are job hunting.

The follow-up that never comes

How many times have you refreshed your inbox over and over after a submission or an interview?

They said I’ll be in touch by Friday. Or the colleague who said I’d love to read it, send it over. Or the boss who keeps promising you’ll have that conversation next week. And then, crickets.

When the follow-up doesn’t come, most of us wonder what we did wrong. We debate whether to send a nudge. We tell ourselves the silence might just mean they’re busy, swamped, or traveling.

Hard truth: the silence does mean something. You just haven’t been trained to hear it.

The problem with words

If I could turn back the clock on my career, one of the things I’d do differently is stop listening so hard to what people say, and start paying attention to what they do.

We’re wired to take people at their word. It feels respectful. Optimistic. Generous. And words are data. Just the least reliable kind.

Here’s what I’ve come to believe: most people aren’t lying. They’re doing their best, and they’ll often tell us what we want to hear to reduce tension in the moment. Aren’t we all a little bit people-pleasers on some level? Words are easy to give. They cost nothing.

Actions, on the other hand, take effort and investment. They reveal someone’s true priorities, capacity, and intentions.

Words are the snow on top of the mountain. They look perfect.

When the words melt away, you’re left with what’s really there.

Part of why we over-index on words is that we don’t want to seem cynical. In professional settings, especially, it’s not cool to challenge someone’s promises. We prize harmony over honesty. We’ve been taught to respect hierarchy and not to question it. So if you’re job hunting, hoping for a promotion, or trying to get funding, the last thing you want to do is treat someone’s words with skepticism.

And so we wait. And refresh. And wait some more.

What it looks like when you ignore the actions

My client “Mary” spent 18 months putting a deal together. It had nearly fallen apart half a dozen times, but she always managed to pull it back. Until she was one deal point away, and the investor walked.

She was stunned. Then outraged. And when we finally unpacked what had happened, the signs had been there for a long time. The weeks it took him to respond to a single negotiating point. The pouting and obsessing over minor issues. The questions he’d ask during their calls revealed a naivete about how their industry worked.

Mary had heard his words — I’m committed to this, let’s make it happen — and held onto them. She’d overridden what the actions were consistently telling her.

She missed the signals because she wanted to believe what he said.

Four ways to start listening to actions instead

I’ve been there countless times. It even happens to me at home when my teenager says, “Yeah, sure,” when I ask her to pick up her dishes. Every time I choose to listen to the words, and then I’m shocked the next morning when I find a dry, crusted bowl of pasta lying on the living room floor.

Inspired by mothering two teenage daughters and a few decades in the entertainment industry, here are four ways to better listen to the actions, not someone’s words. They’ve helped me figure out who my people are and, most importantly, protect my self-esteem.

Look for the pattern, not the single miss. One unanswered email? Things happen. A consistent pattern of not following through? That’s your track record. That’s your data. Once you see the pattern, you’re no longer Charlie Brown waiting for Lucy to hold the football. You know how this story ends.

Take your emotions out of the analysis. This is hard, but important. Strip the words away entirely and ask: what did this person actually do? What specific actions have they taken? What have they made time for? Be fair, sometimes there are steps that need to happen before a promise can be fully delivered on.

Grant grace, and keep your side of the street clean. I’ll be honest: I have historically pushed aggressive, arbitrary follow-up timelines, and it has not served me well. A polite question about timing is always appropriate. Granting people grace when they miss a target date is a relationship-building move. Ask when you should circle back and then do exactly that. What you’re looking for isn’t just a response. It’s information about how this person operates.

Use follow-up as data collection. One client of mine will follow up nine times if someone told her they’d get back to her. Another follows up exactly once. My rule of thumb is twice after the initial conversation or submission. Choose your own adventure and stick with it so you are in integrity. Their response, or non-response, is now your clearest data point. Act accordingly.

Bottom Line

We’ve all been there in some form. Someone tells us what we want to hear, we believe it, then we’re gutted when the snow melts, and we discover there’s a different reality.

I don’t want to encourage you to write people off. I want to help you protect your energy and base your next move on actuality. Not on what someone said to you on a Tuesday.

If someone came to mind while you were reading this, please send it their way. You never know the impact a well-timed message can have.

Journal Prompts

Here are 4 journal prompts for paid Moonshot Mentor members. These questions will help you get honest about where you’ve been listening to words over actions and what it’s been costing you.

* Think of a situation where someone’s words and actions didn’t match. What did you choose to believe, and why? What were the actions actually telling you?

* Where are you currently waiting on a follow-up, a promise, or a commitment? When you strip the words away entirely and look only at the actions, what do you see?

* What makes it hard for you to trust what actions are telling you? Is it hope? Not wanting to seem cynical? Hierarchy? Something else?

* Think about your own words and actions. Is there a place where they aren’t matching up? What is that costing the people around you? And you?

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