In this episode of Zero to Traction, JDM, Cameron, and Cass tackle the legendary Pirate Metrics (AARRR!) and turn real-world funnel fails into actionable fixes.
✅ What Pirate Metrics actually are—and why you keep mixing up “activation” and “acquisition”
✅ 4 real funnel fails and how to fix them like a boss
✅ How to diagnose where your funnel is leaking users (and money)
✅ Why a great value prop still fails if your landing page smells like broken dreams
✅ What to do when your freemium users love you—just not enough to pay you
Also: Cass roasts your funnels with the casual cruelty of a 2 a.m. microwave burrito, JDM explains why most “minimum viable products” are just minimum, and Cameron tries to emotionally recover from being in the SaaS Friend Zone.
Funnel Fails and Fixes
⚠️ Fail #1
“Solid ad traffic, but no one’s signing up.”
🚧 Possible issues:
* Landing page messaging mismatch
* Poor CTA placement
* Value prop not resonating
🛠 Fix it:
* Make sure your landing page cashes the check your ad wrote
* Create campaign-specific pages with matching copy
* Use problem-based and solution-based ads to isolate the issue
⚠️ Fail #2
“People sign up… and disappear into the void.”
🚧 Possible issues:
* Activation friction
* Bad onboarding
* Confusing UI or dead-end UX
* Value delivered the wrong way
🛠 Fix it:
* Introduce checklists, tooltips, or concierge onboarding
* Reevaluate your how, not just your what
* Replace blank screens with guided empty states
* Check if your user has to jump through hoops just to get value
⚠️ Fail #3
“Great retention! No usage.”
🚧 Possible issues:
* No urgency to act
* Tab hoarding disguised as product stickiness
* Features overloaded or poorly surfaced
🛠 Fix it:
* Add urgency (deadlines, expiring trials, nudges)
* Use behavior triggers to bring users back to value
* Consider whether your product is a vitamin instead of a painkiller
⚠️ Fail #4
“They love us… but won’t pay.”
🚧 Possible issues:
* Too much value in the free tier
* Pricing plans not aligned with perceived value
* Problem not painful enough to justify spending
🛠 Fix it:
* Audit your tier structure: is your freemium too generous?
* Try nudging users with a lower-priced mid-tier
* Explore usage-based or outcome-based pricing strategies
* Interview freeloaders—figure out what would get them to pay
💬 Frivolous Thoughts
And, of course, it wouldn’t be Zero to Traction without ending with frivolity:
* Cass wants to know: If you microwave a burrito at 2am and no one hears it, are you still making good life choices? (Spoiler: Probably not.)
* Cameron gives a standing update on the Sacramento Kings and their rollercoaster playoff hopes
* JDM shares his reading life-hack: Kindle Unlimited and late-night Tolkien sessions… all part of Amazon’s freemium funnel strategy
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