What was your first record album when you were growing up?
I remember one of the first few records I ever had was Billy Joel’s Glass Houses. When I recently watched the Billy Joel documentary, I couldn’t help but sing along to the songs featured. My husband remarked that he didn’t know I was such a fan.
I don’t know if it’s because I am a child of the 80s, when we grew up with five television stations, the radio, and analog phones that allowed me to remember the lyrics of days gone by, but there they were, coming out of nowhere.
Memories, as well as thoughts, can be like grooves on a record, repeating the same tune over and over.
While we can believe what we hear from a record, when it becomes ingrained in our minds, it also becomes like grooves. Remember how annoying it was when the record used to skip because the record was scratched?
While our brains are constantly scanning whether something is safe or not, they’re not always good at telling the truth. The pathway etched in our brains becomes habitual, and reliving old stories and experiences keeps us from the present moment, and for new experiences from occurring. These thought patterns from the past come into the present moment and truly can hijack vitality, causing a person, over time, to become hunched over, moving from the same activities day in and day out without truly seeing their own life right in front of them.
Thoughts like, “I’m not good or smart enough to do that,” can be accepted as the truth. It becomes a dominant thought that is living in every experience. Soon, a person will become their dominant thoughts, and the groove in their brain, like a record, will become like the scratch that plays the same few notes of a song over and over.
What are some habitual thoughts that creep in for you daily?
How about when you look in the mirror? What do you say to yourself?
The truth is that we can only experience presence and true joy when we stop running from pain.
Developing a loving awareness of self is the pathway to opening up to life in all circumstances. When we embrace heartache alongside the happiness, inspiration amidst the confusion with all the twists, turns, and contradictions as a natural part of life, then we can find the deep well of courageous love that is waiting to be discovered and called up.
Investigating a spiritual path through practices to cultivate this self-awareness of a deep understanding of what it means to be YOU in this body is what life is about.
Life is a gift, a present that also represents the present moment.
Therapy Helps
I have been in and out of therapy since about eighth grade, when I was abysmally sad and didn’t want to go to school regularly. In fact, I would skip out at least one day per week and couldn’t explain why it felt so daunting to go to school. I just felt awkward in my body and didn’t know where I belonged socially. I didn’t know how to express my feelings or what they were, even.
I don’t recall it helping much. I felt weird talking to an adult who wasn’t my mother or father.
Fast forward to young adulthood, I still didn’t know how to express my deep thoughts, so I began to journal, which helped a lot, coupled with various therapists. But I still felt broken, a piece missing, anger and sadness simmered as I filled up my social calendar so I didn’t have to be alone. I found that being around people constantly instead of my thoughts helped tremendously, but later realized it wasn’t helping at all.
Reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s latest memoir, “All the Way to the River,” resonated in ways I had never expected. What is so fresh and captivating about her writing is the topic of love and sex addiction in a way that is the most vulnerable and exposing truth I have read in a long time. We have all been exposed to stories of addiction in the form of drugs and alcohol, down the dark slippery slope, but to couple it with a love addiction in such an honest way was new to me.
The way she described her love and sex addiction was in the form of people pleasing at the highest level to chase the dopamine hit of love and connection. As a people-pleaser, she gave away a lot of her money, majorly overgiving of herself in various ways, being an overly thoughtful friend, thinking of what they need before they do to feel seen, validated, and even euphoric.
The drug of dopamine seeks external validation and adoration to a point where it becomes vindictive and destructive.
While it may seem like the person is all-in for the friendship, it comes at a cost. At the extreme, it’s an obsession, and if the recipient doesn’t reciprocate in the needed way with adoration, “I can’t live without you,” it will become a messy and dramatic end to that relationship.
Research also shows a connection between the euphoria of being in love and the feelings of pleasure a person with substance use disorder might have.
Researchers drew parallels between the way a person in love and a person addicted to a substance might act. People in both groups might experience emotional dependency, cravings, mood swings, compulsions, obsessions, and loss of self-control. When you are in love, your brain releases chemical messengers that make you feel good, like dopamine. These same patterns occur with substance abuse and addiction. - VeryWell Mind
Gilbert admits that after her time in India during her story of Eat, Pray, Love was being formed, it all fell apart. In other words, she was grounded in herself when doing the spiritual practices and routines, but the moment she left India, it all fell apart, and she fell back into old, destructive, numbing patterns like that deep groove on a record. When a love addict doesn’t get their hit, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, obsessive thoughts, and exhaustion can overrun life’s day-to-day.
Thankfully, Gilbert is sharing her story, which I hope so many will benefit from, as this addiction is very real and varies from person to person. I’m glad it’s not in the DSM because it’s not a medication that can help; it’s deep internal work.
I’ve realized twice in my life that I’ve been “therapied out.”
Once, when I got tired of hearing myself talk about the same old stuff and nothing changed. I began to think, is it me or the therapist? Generally, therapists mirror, validate, and guide; however, a coach will push you, challenge you.
Jayson Gaddis’ podcast, The Relationship School, accompanied me during my neighborhood pilgrimages in petition. From deep self-inquiry monologues about marriage communication with specialized guests came on his show, which I found to be incredibly helpful. Jayson shared about how he left his career as a therapist to become a relationship coach because people in therapy really didn’t want to change. He wasn’t wrong.
I ended my last therapist relationship about a year ago, but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss her. She was the best one yet. Her knowledge of cold, hard science, matched with astrology and an intuitive nature, was instrumental to many realizations and self-acceptances. I knew the relationship had concluded when there wasn’t much left to explore, and my intuition told me she was ready for me to fly the nest.
There has been something deeply healing about living in the desert, like I’ve been drying out these last five years. Since the pandemic, with no choice but to go inward and meditate and manifest a new way.
By the way, I tried some AI therapy about three times recently, and it fell flat for me. In fact, DavidAI was too long-winded for me, validated me, and gave me some spiritual mantras that were cool. Talking out loud in a non-filtered way was helpful, and when I heard myself speaking, I thought, “Why are you saying this, you know the answers!” I have to agree with my friend who recently exclaimed, “If it doesn’t have a heart or feet, you can’t trust it,” regarding AI therapy. But that’s a whole other topic.
Painful tests lead to growth
We are all tested in our own unique ways, and everyone has a pain that is unique to them. Usually, the darkest painful challenges are partners with the unknown. This fear of the unknown can paralyze, create sleepless nights, boulder upon boulder covering you until you can only see through the cracks.
And that’s where the ember that simmers is waiting. That ember glowing, waiting for you to blow on it to become brighter and to expand your light because it is your birthright. It is your birthright to have every desire and dream come to fruition through the certainty, love, and faith that will get you there.
Some say it is already done. That it was already written in the cosmos because we are part of the cosmos, and who are we to think that only the 3D exists? We cannot be that egoic to truly believe this.
There is wisdom in no escape. There is wisdom in these times.
Meditation helps us to remember the inherent good qualities of that ember that desperately wants to burn brightly. Two things can be true - when we can see how beautiful things are and also see our suffering at the same time. It’s called being a messy, beautiful human.
While I am consistently trying to lead you back to meditation as the answer to human suffering, the basic instruction is just to learn to be completely honest with oneself and love all of it anyway. No one can sort it out except for you and I know this to be true for my children, which has been the hardest continuing surrender, day after day, breath after breath.
When we practice, it helps us to recognize what are thinking and what is heartfelt. Love your thoughts like you would a child, with tenderness and care.
Thank you for being here. Check out these free recordings I just released in partnership with Strawberry Moons Media. More to come…
Metta Meditations for Parents on Strawberry Moons Media
Testimonials:
“It’s such a gift that we’ll be able to listen to this anytime!!!!” -Kristeen
“Love these, Shelley! Every one of us parents can benefit from these, no matter the age of our kids.” - Krista
“What a great way to wake up to practice with you!” - Kelly
Meditations on Insight Timer for Everyone
Spicy Soul Mama is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Thanks for reading Spicy Soul Mama! This post is public so feel free to share it.
