Hello friend!
If anyone has DONE THE HEALING, it’s Dan Harris. After he had a panic attack live on air at ABC News (!!), he went on a quest to quell his anxiety. That quest became the mega-bestseller10% Happier, or the story of how he went from meditation cynic to practitioner.
THAT spawned a hit podcast where he gets to talk to spiritual heavyweights all the time (the Dalai Lama has been on four times!) and a meditation app that has helped millions of people become legitimately happier.
Want small tools and rituals for getting back up when life knocks you flat? My newsletter is packed with exactly that, plus life-changing insights from incredible guests like Dan Harris! Subscribe now so you don't miss a post!
So YOU’D THINK this guy couldn’t get knocked flat anymore, right? At least, that’s what I thought. But Dan quickly disabused me of the notion that healing is ONE AND DONE. He told me about the moment this spring when he wondered if he’d wasted seven years of his life.
One of the most successful-looking guys I know felt like a failure
Since 2018, Dan has been writing a true sequel to 10% Happier. This spring, he finally had a full draft and a publication date. But… the first readers didn’t like it, and the part they liked least was the main character: Dan. This negative feedback hit while he was already in a rough patch with anxiety and depression. For two solid weeks, the soundtrack in his head was, I’m a failure. I’ve wasted years on this. Maybe they’re right about me.
Dan didn’t let the news crush him, nor did he give up on the book. Instead, he used three simple steps to move through it, and you can use every one of them the next time life knocks YOU flat.
Step 1: Give yourself a no-decisions window
When the feedback hit, Dan’s first move was to do nothing. He went home feeling like he had the flu and told himself, “I might kill the book, but I’m not gonna decide right now.” He let himself grieve before he let himself choose. This must be sage advice because it’s the same damn thing Elizabeth Gilbert told me she does when faced with panic and overwhelm: stop and feel your feelings.
Try it: Next time life punches you in the gut, say out loud, “I might ____ (quit my job, scrap the project, move to Mars), but I’m not deciding today.” Then, give yourself permission to feel like crap for a while. That counts as progress!
Step 2: Never worry alone (tattoo it on your forehead)
“Just tattoo that s**t on your forehead,” Dan told me of his favorite phrase when going through a hard time, “never worry alone.” Most of us lick our wounds in private, but Dan called his wife, his friends, his team, and his CEO. “I was not curling up into a ball by myself.” According to Dan, the research is clear that stress is what really wears us down, and the number one way to relieve it is healthy relationships. As he put it, “We evolved to metabolize our stress in community and relationship.”
Those conversations and relationships are what saved the book and, well, Dan.
One of the people Dan leaned on, his friend and meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein, read the draft and nailed the actual issue: “The guy on the page is not the guy I know.” Because the feedback came from someone Dan knew had his back, he could actually hear it. Dan realized he’d accidentally written the book in the voice of who he was 15 years ago. So now he’s rewriting it as the man he is today, and giving himself an extra year to get it right.
Try it: Make a short list of your “never worry alone” people, the two or three you can call when life hits the fan. These aren’t people you’re trying to impress, and they’re definitely not your frenemies. To use terms from my book, Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies, these are your Hype Men and your Road Warriors, the people who want what’s best for you. I keep my list taped next to my desk, so when bad news hits, I know exactly who to call.
We’ve ALL needed a “never worry alone” person at some point. Send this to someone who’s going through it right now, and let them know you’re one of theirs!
Step 3: Put your hand on your heart (yes, really)
Dan still has inner critics. Two, in fact, and he named them both after ancestors. Robert, named for his difficult grandfather, is the mean one. Arthur, named for a great-grandfather who was, in Dan’s words, “a crook,” is the greedy, ambitious hustler. But his coach pointed out that Dan was forgetting a third voice: Teacher Dan, the generous, wise part of him.
What’s changed is how often Dan lets Teacher Dan answer the other two with self-compassion, which he describes as talking to yourself the way you’d talk to a good friend. His hack is to put a hand on his heart while he does it. He admits he’d never want anyone to catch him doing it, but it works. “It is magical that we all have this capacity to be good friends, and we can direct that toward ourselves,” he told me.
Try it: Next time you’re beating yourself up, put your hand on your heart and say what you’d say to your best friend. Do it in the privacy of your own home if you need to. Hell, I’ve done this on hikes while whispering to myself, “It’s okay, sweetheart,” and though I look ridiculous, I always end up calming down and feeling better.
Healing isn’t a finish line (sorry)
Dan points to a phrase he calls on when the idea that he’ll be “fixed” for good surfaces: the arrival fallacy. “Perfection is not on offer,” he told me. Even the Dalai Lama gets into bad moods! What IS on offer is “messy, marginal improvement over time,” and getting a little better at getting back up. I find that such a relief!
Testify
Now I want to hear from YOU: Who is the person you reach out to when you don’t want to worry alone? What makes them so safe to be vulnerable around? I read and reply to every comment!
