A Healthy Marriage, Part II
The Role of the Wife; Remsen Bible Fellowship; 09/08/2024
Texts
Ephesians 5:22-24, 33b, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
…33b and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Colossians 3:18, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”
1 Peter 3:1-6, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”
Introduction
Well, here we go. Last week we started our look at the biblical foundations for a healthy marriage. We discussed the central place that roles play in a healthy, biblical understanding of marriage. Men and women are not the same, and this is a feature of God’s good design. We have equal value, dignity, and worth - but there are all kinds of distinctions between us.
So, why start with the woman’s role? A lot of Christian books on marriage --if they’re brave enough to talk about roles in the New Testament sense-- will start with the role of the man in the marriage, and talk about what the idea of headship means, and what it means to have loving your wife as a primary duty. This is logical in a structural sense. If you have a relationship where one partner is described as “head”, wouldn’t you start with them? There is also a creational logic in starting with the man, as he was created first and given responsibilities by God before Eve was even formed.
But, while I eagerly and gladly acknowledge the structural and creational logic in play with that reasoning, the actual example of the New Testament is that in each of the three household codes we read - Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, 1 Peter 3 - the inspired author begins his instructions by speaking to the wife. Why is this? I would argue it is because all of our marriages take place this side of Genesis chapter 3.
In Genesis three, the setting is God’s garden temple. This is a place meant to be guarded and cultivated by the man, with his wife as his helper in fulfilling their mission of worshiping God in that particularplace, and then extending the borders of the temple to all of creation, bringing all of the earth under their dominion. It’s into this setting that the snake entered in. He entered into the temple to tempt this couple away from the Lord. And rather than addressing the man, he engaged directly with the woman. He tempts her to question God, and to seek her satisfaction outside of his design.
We know, tragically, that the woman succumbed to that temptation. Her husband stood by passively, and then followed her into sin. And when Adam fell, so did the human race. In the verses that follow, then, we find God addressing first, the snake. Then, next, the woman. It is last that he comes to Adam, the man (same Hebrew word). I believe the New Testament authors follow the same pattern, addressing the wife first, because for a healthy marriage to work she must be on board with obeying God in these matters.
What the Bible is going to tell us about the wife’s role in marriage strikes many people as offensive, some people consider it dangerous, and I think all women find it, at one level or another, frightening, at least at times. But let me reiterate what I said last week: if God designed us, if God loves us, and if God desires us to enjoy abundant life in him in this life (John 10:10), then we can trust what he has to say.
This will not be a comprehensive sermon that covers every aspect of the wife’s role, rather it is meant to serve as an introduction, inviting you into studying the Scriptures on these matters, and submit your life to God’s good design.
Summary of the Texts
The use of the word “submit” in that last sentence was not a mistake. The central responsibility of a wife in a marriage relationship is that of submission to her husband’s leadership and authority. This is pretty shocking to our modern ears, but it’s clearly what all three texts say: Ephesians 5:22, “wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Colossians 3:18, “wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” 1 Peter 3:1, “likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands.”
This submission begins as a posture of the heart, and it is a posture of the heart that speaks to a confidence in the ability of the Lord to provide for all of your needs, in any circumstance. It is ceasing to grasp for control. When God gives the curse in Genesis 3, in speaking to the woman, he says this: “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16b). That phrase “your desire shall be contrary” is the same phrase as in chapter 4:7, where God tells Cain that sin’s desire is contrary to him. The idea is that, as sin sought to master Cain, the woman will seek to become master of the man. She wants to rule the roost and run the show, but the order of creation is such that she will be largely frustrated in her desire, and to the extent that she succeeds, it will actually make her miserable.
God created an authority structure in the home, and the husband is the head of that structure. He, not the wife, is the one responsible to God for everything that takes place within the family. This is not to deny our personal responsibility and accountability to God, of course. But God holds the man responsible for everyone under his charge. How difficult does this become for him if his wife is constantly bucking against his authority?
And yet, that is precisely how many women conduct themselves. They hate the idea of their husband having authority. “He’s too stupid to lead anyone!” she thinks. “How can I submit to his leadership when I practically have to be his mother?” Now, I’m not here to let the man off the hook - we’ll get to him next week. But have you ever considered, ladies, that perhaps, when your husband makes foolish decisions or does things without consulting you where your advice could have been helpful, or when he won’t tell you what’s going on, or he hides in the garage working on projects…maybe he isn’t talking to you or opening up or being present because your attitude, actions, and words toward him have made it such that he’s just miserable around you? Proverbs 21:19 says, “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” Earlier in the same chapter, Proverbs 21:9, “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”
A wife who wants to argue, a wife who constantly questions her husband's decisions, a wife who cuts down his leadership (whether in public or in private) is, according to God’s word, worse than living with rodents and scorpions, hypothermia or heatstroke.
Ladies, you have to realize that for your marriage to become a truly healthy marriage, submitting to your husband is necessary. God isn’t hinting or making some take-it-or-leave-it recommendations. If the wife wears the pants, or thinks she should be, that marriage will be a living hell.
You just had at least one example pop into your mind when I said that. So this emphasis matters. It matters a lot.
Defining Submission
Again, fundamentally, submission recognizes that there is an order of authority at the home, and the man is the head of that authoritative structure. As a wife, you need to recognize your husband’s God-given authority. When Peter writes “likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands”, he is saying that in the context of having discussed Christian submission to political authorities, and of Jesus’ own submission to God the Father. It means honoring the rule of the husband in the home and relationship. The reason for this is not found in the character or wisdom or your deep love for that particular man. The reason is found in the way God designed the world, and designed marriage in particular.
Of course, there is a clear limit set out here: this submission is not to men in general, but to her husband in particular. This is part of how submission to a husband is actually freeing. Many women live in functional submission to what the entire world of men (and women) might think: God says, your focus needs to be narrower than that. You, women, are wired for relationships. And while you absolutely need to have relationships beyond your home, you should be seeking to invest in that relationship with your husband first.
Now, you hear that and think, “but he doesn’t talk to me about his feelings!”, or, “he doesn’t want to sit and just spend time together the way we used to”, and you say these things because you want your husband to relate to you the way women relate to one another. But you didn’t marry a woman. You married a man. And if you want him to love you and if you want your relationship to grow, then here is priority number one: show him respect.
I want to draw out two big areas where you should show respect and be submissive to your husbands: this is not exhaustive, remember the phrases from Ephesians 5, “in everything” and “as to the Lord.” That’s pretty extensive language. But these three areas should get your mind moving.
First, submission means honoring his decision making. Let’s take an example: for those with kids in the home, maybe you have a disagreement about how to discipline your children. You don’t agree on when physical discipline is appropriate, or if it’s really fair for a child to lose certain privileges. As the wife and mother, your voice matters in this conversation. You do need to speak. But, you also must recognize that according to Ephesians 6:4, your husband is the one responsible for the discipline and formation of your children. So after you’ve conversed - even if you continue to disagree - it must be his word that goes. And then that standard or appointed consequences need to be carried out even when he is not home, because as his wife, the created helper, your job is to build up the family. If you contradict his decision making either by arguing in front of the children, or failing to enforce a consistent standard, you undermine his authority - not only in your relationship, but in their lives as well. So, if Johnny gets spanked for disobedience of hitting his siblings when dad is home, he should receive the same consequence when dad is at work. You must recognize, ladies, the nature of your one-flesh union: once your husband has made a decision, it is no longer simply his decision. You should be invested in making it work. In Hebrews 13:17, the writer pens these words in reference to church leadership--but they apply in the home as well:
Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.
It is of no advantage to you to make your husband’s life miserable, because he is accountable to God for you and your family. So respect his decision making.
Second, you should submit to your husband’s spiritual authority. The sad fact is that in many marriages, even if both spouses are believers, the woman may seem more spiritually mature than the man. How can she follow someone who is behind her?
This is where a radical commitment to obedience matters. The command to submit to his authority is not tied to whether or not he is more spiritually mature than you. And the apostle Paul has a specific command which, I think, can be of great help on this matter:
1 Corinthians 14:34-35, “the women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.”
Now, to be honest, I’m still working through the extent of “women should keep silent in the churches.” He’s obviously not talking about conversation, and chapter 11 seems to make room for things like public prayer. It clearly includes a prohibition on women preaching and teaching the gathered church, based on what Paul says in 1 Timothy 2. But laying aside, for the moment, the harder to delineate parts, let’s take up the first half of v35: “If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home.”
Ladies, when you have a spiritual question, to whom do you first turn? Your friends? The pastor? Google? Paul tells the ladies in the Corinthian church: go ask your husband. Some of you will instantly bristle at that. You might contest that this is because you are more mature than him, or more intelligent, or have a better understanding of spiritual things. But Paul didn’t say, go ask him, because he knows the answer. In 1 Corinthians 14, he is laying out instructions for an orderly worship service. And one of the ways order is maintained in the congregation is by households which make up that congregation honoring their individual authority structures. By honoring your husband in this way, bringing your spiritual questions to him, you are doing at least three things. You are:
* Telling him you respect him. Spiritual questions are incredibly important, and seeking to engage his thoughts on these matters honors his wisdom, intelligence, but most importantly, his leadership.
* Providing him an opportunity to grow. Either he will have an answer, and will need to go to the trouble of trying to articulate that in a way that helps you to understand - washing his wife in water with the word (Ephesians 5:26-27) - or he will need to find an answer. In which case, you have been a help-meet to your husband, helping him increase in wisdom and knowledge.
* If you have children, you are training them to honor their father and learn from him by seeking him out for wisdom. This is the pattern of the book of Proverbs, and it is an example of a woman modeling lady wisdom who builds up her house (Proverbs 9:1), rather than lady folly, who tears her house down (Proverbs 14:1).
Difficulties
Let’s get real, though. There are some difficulties with this, aren’t there? Let’s talk about three of them:
* One: What if he isn’t a believer? How can a Christian woman submit “as to the Lord” to a man who does not know or follow the Lord? That seems a bit perplexing, doesn’t it? Shouldn’t you be preaching the gospel at him? No, says the apostle Peter. 1 Peter 3:1-4, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
The wife’s role in marriage to an unbeliever is to keep on loving and respecting him. Show him honor. Don’t nag, even about God stuff. Instead, just keep patiently serving him. Focus more on being the kind of woman he likes to live with, more than being the kind of woman other people like to look at. If he is to be won to the Lord, it may well be through the sermon of self-giving love you offer everyday by being the best wife you can be.
* Two: the second objection would be that it’s scary as all get out to submit to a sinful man. Whether he is a believer or not, and regardless of if he is trying to fulfill his duties as head of the home, your husband will at times be a blockhead, and will daily sin. How do you overcome the fear of having to deal with the consequences of someone else’s sin? Well, first we might give the general truth that you, too, are a great sinner. And he will be held accountable for how he led a sinner like you. So realize the scariness cuts both ways. But second and more importantly, realize you are not alone. The passage from 1 Peter is particularly helpful in this case, verse 5-6 read, “5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” Submission is an act of faith. Sarah is an interesting example here. She is a woman who is very imperfect in her submission. At the same time, she has a husband, Abraham, who makes some massive blunders: asking her to hide the fact that she’s his wife (twice!), listening to her advice to have a child with her servant, this marriage is very human. And yet, Peter holds her up as an example of faith. Think of the ways she followed her husband: departing their homeland at age 65, in the 25 years that followed she trusts him through some very scary moments (including those harem scenes), and her reward for it all is to experience pregnancy for the first time as an 89 year old woman! And yet, through her faithful obedience, the child of promise was brought into the world. The line of the Messiah continued. She is one of the most important women in the history of the world, because of her submission, yes to her husband; but most of all, to God. Submission to your husband is, most of all, submission to the Lord. Recognizing, as Sarah did, the Lordship of your husband in the home is a way of recognizing the ultimate Lordship of Jesus over heaven and earth.
* Third: What if he’s abusive? Here we have the hardest case. Here is what I want to say loud and clear: the command to submit to authority never changes, but remember that your husband is not the only authority. There is also the authority of the church, and the authority of the state, and the authority of God himself. What this means is that if you are being harmed, being abused, you have a duty to honor those other authorities over you by reporting that abuse. Egregious sin must be brought under church discipline. Crimes should be addressed by the legal authorities. If you have children, you have a responsibility before God to protect them and insure their safety. If you are being physically harmed, you have a duty before God not to continue putting yourself in those situations - the 6th commandment (thou shalt not murder) has traditionally been understood not only as a prohibition on unjustly harming others, but also on foolishly or recklessly putting yourself in positions where your life is in danger. What this means is that when your husband is breaking his marriage vows by harming you, you not only can but should remove yourself from that situation. This may be temporary until repentance occurs and counseling and reconciliation have taken place. Or it may be permanent. I think a pretty compelling argument can be made that abuse - at least physical abuse - falls under the classification of abandonment Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 7:15. Do not let the good gift of godly submission be twisted and used as a tool to hold you under wicked violence.
A Few Implications For Singles and Parents
Before we conclude I have a brief word of exhortation to single ladies and parents of girls.
All that we’ve covered this morning means that who you marry matters. Now, I don’t buy our society's line that you should wait until you’re older and more mature to get married. I think pushing young men and women to wait until their late twenties or thirties to get married is a horrible idea, on a number of levels, which I plan to touch on later in this series. But while I’m all for marrying young, you must never marry desperately. You need to be brutally honest about the kind of man you are looking at.
Here this loud and clear: it does not matter how much you love him. You need to love him, but much more important is this: you need to be able to respect him. That can be tough with a young man, because there might not be much there yet. But you’re not looking for accomplished maturity, you’re looking for trajectory. Does he take his work seriously, is he driven to succeed? Does he take the Lord seriously, is he driven to honor God in his life? Does he treat you now with the kind of gentleness and attentiveness that you will need for the next 50 years? Do not think you love him and can therefore change him. Marriage will change a man, but it will bring out both the best and worst, and he better be on a trajectory of growth if you want that change to be good for both of you. You need to marry someone you can see yourself following for the rest of your life.
Conclusion
I’m not blind to the fact that what the Bible says on this matter is probably more offensive than just about anything else in the book. There is no area of Scripture more likely to be attacked or ignored, both inside and outside of the church. And yet, I think it is pretty clear, as I said last week, that what our society is doing isn’t working. So, even when it’s hard, we should look to Jesus, the husband who laid down his life for his Bride, and ask him to help us walk in obedience to his ways. Friends, trust Jesus - trust him to forgive your sins, trust him to help you understand his word, and trust him to give you the strength needed to obey, even difficult texts of Scripture. Submission to him truly is the path to earthly joy.
