A Healthy Marriage, Part III: The Role of the Man
Remsen Bible Fellowship; 09/15/2024
Texts
Ephesians 5:25-33, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Colossians 3:19, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
1 Peter 3:7, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Introduction
We turn this morning to the role of the man in marriage. Before we dive in, though, I want us to remember that this is all of grace. The gift of marriage is from the Lord. Specifically, for the man, the gift of a wife is a kindness from God. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). And the grander point of the marriage arrangement is to put on display the glorious love of Christ for the church (Ephesians 5:32). We need to remember that we can’t craft a perfect life or marriage by dint of willpower, or by painting by the numbers. We must daily be engaged in repenting of our sins, trusting in Christ’s sufficient sacrifice in our place, and dependent upon his grace. But by his grace, when we are leaning into his grace, he does give the grace to grow and obey.
Which means that the Christian marriage can and should grow towards health. So, men, if you are going to have a healthy marriage, how must you understand your role? What duties are implied by such an understanding?
Before we focus on the specific instructions the Lord gave through Peter and Paul, we should take a step back and observe the creational reality of Genesis 1-2 again for a moment. Because whereas the woman was created for the man; the man was created for a mission. That mission was to serve as the priest-king of creation, exercising dominion and spreading the knowledge of the glory of the Lord across the face of the earth (Habakkuk 2:14). However, the Lord saw that man by himself was not good (Genesis 2:18). God did not immediately remedy that situation however. He let the man go about his work for a while, and recognize for himself that there wasn’t a helper fit for him anywhere in creation. Then, God put him to sleep, and when Adam woke up, he found the greatest gift he could imagine: someone like him - this, at last (!), is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; but also quite unlike him - gloriously distinct from him: she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.
Thus we see, as Paul puts it in 1 Corinthians 11:8, man was not made for woman, but woman for man.
As we discussed last week, the wife’s call in marriage is to submit to her husband’s leadership and direction. But here, men, is an uncomfortable truth beneath her duty: it assumes you are going somewhere. That you have a direction.
The role of the man, as we see both in the order of creation and the explicit teaching of Ephesians 5, is to lead. To reach back again to 1 Corinthians 11, verse three of that chapter states, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” Back in Ephesians 5:23, “The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” The head is the source, the one giving direction, and the one ultimately accountable for the life of the whole body. Men, is this reality good news or bad news for your wife?
You are the Head
Men tend to have one of two reactions to the biblical fact of their headship in the home. One is weaseling. Here you’ll find men turning into more passionate feminists than any woman you ever met - “well, we’re equal!” But what he’s concerned about really isn’t her dignity or “rights as a woman.” He’s worried that if he’s the head then he’s responsible. And ever since Adam, men have been shirking responsibility. But men, you can't get out of this responsibility. God will hold you responsible for your family, for your marriage, come judgment day. You might want to say, she’s her own person, and her decisions, choices, and sins aren’t my fault! You’re right, her choices are hers, and if they’re wrong, that’s her fault. It’s also your responsibility. You are the head of home. If you deny this, it doesn’t remove responsibility, it means that you won’t ever learn to live it wisely. But you can’t hide from the role.
The second response is to say, “hey, that sounds great - I get to be the boss!” And then you start acting like J. Jonah Jameson, shouting out orders and demands. But this doesn’t work, either. It ignores the characteristic traits of headship biblically understood. When a man thinks that headship means he is to be the unquestioned ruler, and no one should dare to contradict him, then he’s not a leader acting biblically. He’s a fool.
Now, he may protest, “look, you just these verses say I’m the head!” Yes, quite so. You have that positional authority by virtue of God’s created order, and the explicit teaching of the word of God. That is clear. But if you are going to exercise that authority in your relationship with your wife, then you are going to have to build toward what we might call functional authority. And that isn’t going to just drop out of the sky or jump off of the page. You’re going to have to, in some meaningful sense, earn that authority relationally.
I’m going to borrow an analogy at this point from pastor and author Douglas Wilson, who likens the positional authority of headship to having a checkbook. Coming to understand the fact of headship is like finding out that it’s your name in the top left-hand corner. But exercising functional authority is like writing checks from that account.
The mistake many men make is to find out they have this account and start writing checks that bounce. His wife wants nothing to do with his leadership. She won’t agree on how to handle this situation with the kids. She doesn’t want to pray or read the Bible together as a family. She isn’t interested in curbing habits or attitudes that might be hurting the family. The temptation as a husband can be to write a “leadership check”, and demand conformity - “look, here’s the verse that says I’m in charge, listen to me!” But this fails to acknowledge that you, husband,have been dropping the ball, and that your failure has helped create this situation. You’re right to say, “this checkbook has my name on it, I have authority to write this check.” The problem is, you haven’t been making deposits, and so no matter how forcefully you insist that it’s your account, that functionally will not matter. You have to start putting money in the relational bank if you ever hope to spend anything. You’ve got to look at what the Bible says about how to live as the leader of your home.
You see, the primary biblical duty of a Biblical Head of the Home isn’t to find some bossy pants. It’s to love his wife.
Duty Numero Uno
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). “Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). “Husbands, love your wives” (Colossians 3:19). In slightly different wording, Peter has the same message, “husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
If we’re going to keep rolling with the checkbook and checking account analogy, you make deposits in your relational account by loving your wife in the way the Bible describes. As I said last week, this sermon is a starting point, not fully comprehensive. But I want to give three ways for husbands to love their wives. Men, you must love by leading, by sacrificing, and by knowing.
Love by Leading
I want to point to one fact that should be obvious from the analogy Paul draws between the husband and wife relationship and the Christ and church relationship: Christ, as the head of the church, leads the church. One way husbands can begin to love their wives is to lead.
This does not, primarily, mean bossing, making executive and undiscussed decisions, things like that. It certainly doesn’t mean serving yourself, and demanding others to do likewise. Here’s what it does mean: to take initiative. Men, do you take initiative in your home? Do you have a vision for where your family could be in 5, 10, 30 years? Do you have any idea how to get there? You need to start thinking that way.
That means decisions about kids’ education, how money is handled, where you go to church and what activities your family is involved in - these and other areas of life are priorities that you need to be invested in. Lots of men are wrapped up in their own work or hobbies and don’t stop to think about how to shape their family life. Life just happens to them. As men, this is pretty easy to deal with, because (except maybe our paycheck) often no one is counting on us to make family-related things happen. But the person paying for your lackadaisical attitude is your wife; drowning in laundry, kids, activities, and maybe a job of her own. One practical way you can love her is to sit down together and look at life and say: what really matters here? How can we conform our priorities to what really matters to us, to what God says in his word, to where our interests and values lie? Take initiative, lead that conversation. And then help follow through on the actions that need to be taken.
Another subset of leadership, and often neglected (even in Christian homes), is that of spiritual leadership. In too many families the questions of God, religion, spirituality, prayer, the Bible are all in the “mom” department. Praise the Lord for spiritually attuned and interested women! But men, here in Ephesians 5, Paul holds forth the example of Christ, who washes his bride in water with the word, that he might present her blameless to himself, without spot or blemish or any such thing. This doesn’t need to be complicated. It can be as simple as reading a verse to your wife at breakfast and sharing what you learned from it - and having a conversation. Praying together before bed is also a very helpful practice. Andie and I have made it a practice our whole marriage to pray together every night before bed. We are legalistic about this - if I fall asleep on the couch Andie isn’t waking me up to pray lest God be disappointed. But it is a priority. Even if we’re upset with one another or one of us is traveling, we make it a point to close the day by turning to the Lord together. Men, if you want your marriage to be centered on the Lord, then you need to lead your wife before the throne of grace, on a regular basis.
Love by Sacrificing
A second way a man can love his wife is through sacrifice. Again, the model put forth by Paul is that of Jesus Christ, who laid down his life for the church. Here we have the beauty of the gospel on full display, as we understand that Jesus literally came to earth for the express purpose of dying for his bride: the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. If you don’t yet trust Jesus as your Savior, I want to pause now and point out: you need this sacrifice to save you. And if you trust in Jesus’ atoning death and victorious resurrection in your place, he will give you new life and the gift of the Spirit, so that you can walk in this new, eternal, life.
Now, I hope any man in this room would be more than glad to lay down his life for any woman, but especially his wife. And I think most of us would. But, most of the time, you don’t have to take a bullet, or send her out on the lifeboat while you stay with the sinking Titanic. What you will be called to do is sacrifice through the way you live.
I think the most basic way you do this is by making a living, and committing that living to the support of your family. I intend at some point to do a more extended series on work, because I think as Christians we often undervalue the profound value there is in good work well done. There is value in entrepreneurship, wise risk-taking, and being the best employee you can be. Economic activity, engaged in with the right attitude and motives, glorifies God. But at a very basic level, one way to find meaning in your work, even if it seems menial or insignificant, is to realize that God is providing for your family through your labor. That’s an enobling reality. Jesus made provision for our life and salvation at the cross. We should not begrudge our work, we should take pride in where the Lord has placed us, and seek to do our very best. But there will be times when we feel the full weight of the curse and the thorns. In those moments, remembering that we don’t merely work for our own provision and pleasure, but in order to provide for the family he has given, can spur us to continue on. That kind of sacrifice is necessary if we are to provide for those in our care.
And I want to recognize that most of the men in this room get this at an instinctual level - you realize you need to go bring home the proverbial bacon. But I want you to see that it has far more significance than just bacon and eggs. In this, you are given an opportunity to model Christ to your wife. Sacrifice your life for the good of your wife.
Love by Knowing
Third, you need to love your wife by seeking to understand her. That 1 Peter 3 text literally reads, “according to knowledge.” Men, if I were to poll your wives, and ask, “does your husband really know what makes you tick?”, how many would raise their hands? (this is a hypothetical, ladies: don’t raise your hands!)
Men, we often feel lost here. So let me give you a tool tip - I’m not saying this is infallible, but notice it - ask what your wife is reading. Some will say, “nothing”, and in the modern world that’s a lie. We’re all reading all the time. It may be captions on tiktok and instagram posts, but she’s reading something. Now, think about why she’s reading what she’s reading. Is it the Bible? Ask what part she’s reading, and what the Lord is teaching her in that. And ask yourself if you are leading the way, or if she’s having to carry all the spiritual water in the home. Or is she mainly taking in humorous, short, online content? What is she overwhelmed by and trying to escape? Is it romance novels (or, as Andie refers to them, emotional pornography)? What emotional needs are being unmet, that she is seeking to escape into this fantasy world? I’m not saying this will lead to comfortable thoughts and conversations. But hopefully they should provoke you to try and understand your wife more deeply. Broadly speaking, men want to be respected. Women want to be known. Seek to know your wife.
This can be a place where a tool like Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages comes in handy, or any general personality assessment that you can use to discuss your differing communication styles. And then - here is the key - don’t take that information and then say, “wow, she’s weirder or more messed up than I realized before.” Don’t use it to judge her against yourself. Use the information you’ve gained in order to better show her love. Many women are hurt, thinking their husbands don’t love them. Those same husbands are confused, because they think that they are showing love. But they’re showing it in a way that matters to them. Men, you often fail to communicate your love clearly, and so your wife feels unloved. It doesn’t matter how loving you feel toward your wife if she never receives that communication. So study her in order that you might clearly communicate your love.
You also need to study your wife in order to understand her strengths and weaknesses. You need to understand her strengths for the obvious reason that she is your helpmeet, and any wise leader knows the strengths of his team. If she’s a whiz with numbers and you couldn’t multiply your way out of a paper box, maybe you shouldn’t be balancing the checkbook. Don’t let your pride get in the way of your wife serving you in those areas where she is your better. Know her strengths.
But you also need to know where your wife is weak. This is important, because Peter says you are to honor your wife as the weaker vessel. Our society sees weakness and wants to smash it. But God says we ought to guard the weak. He speaks this way of the church in 1 Corinthians, that we ought to honor weaker members, and here in marriage, we do not despise those ways in which our wife is weaker.
This is one of those verses that makes people in our society bristle - weaker vessel?! Says who?! Well, physically this is obvious. Men have roughly 50% more lean muscle mass than women, and, depending on exactly where you get your numbers, the average man is stronger than 97-99% of women. So, except in very rare circumstances, you will be stronger - much stronger - than your wife. You need to honor that. Of course, we live in a time when physical strength is less needed day-to-day than it ever has been. But it will still show up in small areas, even if they seem silly: if your wife needs help opening the pickle jar, you shouldn’t sigh and make sarcastic comments. You should glady pop it open.
On a more serious note, this is where it’s important to say that you must never use your physical advantage over your wife to harm her. There is never - I will repeat, never - an excuse for any physical violence toward your wife. I don’t care what she did, I don’t care how angry you are. You are commanded by God to be strong and physically strong for her. Never against her. Of course we can come up with times when restraint might be in order - if she were abusing a child, for instance. By all means use your strength in that moment. But even there, it’s actually the same principle - you use your strength to protect those weaker than yourself. Never to take advantage.
This crosses from just physical actions, to recognizing physical presence and emotional power in a relationship. Men, not only must you pursue love and always refrain from physical violence, you must be wary with how you use your words. You must not seek to intimidate, demean, put down, or manipulate your wife. Remember Colossians 3:19, “do not be harsh with them.” Many men who would never lay a finger on their wives, are nonetheless quite verbally and emotionally harsh. Men, if this is you, you must stop. This does not mean you are not clear and straightforward. We talked about leadership earlier, and leadership requires hard conversations, frank conversations. You must do and say what’s right, even if there is disagreement and feelings may be hurt. But you must recognize the difference between honesty and harshness. That difference can be in the intention. But it can also lie in unconscious things like tone and setting. The same words said mockingly in public as compared to a gentle and direct way privately can carry a very different message.
Know your wife. And do not be harsh with her.
Conclusion: Treasure
The Bible’s teaching for men is often characterized as do do do, sacrifice sacrifice sacrifice, and it leaves a lot of guys wondering, what’s in it for me? Why must we do so much for our wives and think about them? Isn’t there any place for us looking out for what our needs and interests are? Well, what Paul and Peter both make clear is that to treasure your wife, and value her above yourself, is to honor yourself. Paul, pointing out that we are one flesh in marriage, reminds us of Jesus’ example: he died for his Bride, and he now washes her in water with the word. “28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.”
Brothers, loving your wife is loving yourself. Doing what is best for your wife is doing what is best for you. One way we must grow as Christians is to stop thinking in purely atomistic and individual terms. You are the covenant head of your family, responsible before God for your household. This begins in your relationship with your wife, and so to cherish her as yourself truly is wisdom.
Peter reminds us what great dignity our wives have in the eyes of God. When he told his readers to dwell with their wives in an understanding way, showing honor to her as the weaker vessel, he said you must do this as a fellow heir in the grace of life. This means she is a daughter of the Almighty King of the universe. How should that affect your treatment of her?
You might think that language sounds a little extreme, but those are precisely the terms Peter uses: he issues this command, “so that your prayers may not be hindered.” Have you ever wondered if God blocked your cell phone number? Your prayers just seem ineffectual, it’s hard to grow. Stop and evaluate how you are treating your wife. Do you resent her, are you harsh? Or do you seek to honor her, do you view her as God’s greatest gift to you in this earthly life?
Men, we are called to lead in our homes. You are the head of the home. But you must exercise that role in the pattern of the Lord Jesus, who boldly led and spoke the truth - and who humbled himself, taking the form of a servant. Men, we must love and serve our wives. There will be times when we are called to make hard leadership decisions for their sake. And if they are to trust us in those things, we need to have built a life and relationship where such trust makes sense. May God help us.
