A Healthy Marriage, Part IV: Communication
Remsen Bible Fellowship, 09/22/2024
Introduction
I would venture to guess that the most regular and persistent problem, in the average marriage, is the failure to communicate. If you google top marriage problems, communication is one answer among many. Other issues rising high are money fights, differing expectations (be around inlaws or social media or the organization of the kitchen cabinets), conflicting parenting philosophies, bedroom problems, and there are others. But I think we could walk through each and see that, at some level, these problems come back to poor communication, miscommunication, or no communication at all.
The Bible has a lot to say about communication and about the tongue. I’m going to sound like a broken record here, and repeat that my comments in this sermon are not exhaustive: they’re introductory. They will also be focused less on positive communication, and more oriented toward conflict: hard conversations, the communication we don’t want to do.
We’ll begin by looking at three passages: Leviticus 19, James 3, and Galatians 5. From each of those passages, I’ll summarize a general communication principle, which we will then consider how to apply, in our pursuit of God-honoring and healthy marriages.
Texts
Leviticus 19:17-18, “You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.”
Galatians 5:22-24, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
James 3:2-12, “For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. 3 If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. 4 Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.
How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? 12 Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.”
Principles and their application
Frank Honesty
You might think of that text in Leviticus as a strange place to start. But here in the third book of the Bible we find some of the most important communication principles in all of the Bible. Of course, we all know the middle of verse 18, “you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Jesus calls this the second greatest commandment, one of two on which hangs all the law and the prophets (Matthew 22:40). And that’s a useful place to start when we think about the tongue: your duty is to love our neighbor, in this case your spouse, as you love yourself. But look at the context: in these verses, love is set in contrast with something else. Namely, bitterness, hatred, and vengeance-seeking. Don’t hate; rather, reason frankly. Don’t take vengeance or bear grudges; rather, love.
The principle here is that we must pursue genuine honesty and frankness in our communication. The Hebrew word which is used for “reason frankly” can also mean to decide or judge or reprove. In fact, the NASB, KJV, and HCSB all translate this phrase with rebuke - you shall certainly rebuke or rebuke directly your neighbor, rather than harboring bitterness.We often think of bitterness as stemming from an unwillingness to forgive, but often it goes deeper than that. We are often unwilling to:
* See that the problem is worth being angry about.
* Deal with the problem once we see it.
We fear the emotion of anger. But we shouldn’t be petrified of an emotion, we should instead ask “why?” we’re experiencing it. Many times we are right (or at least reasonable) to be angry. This needs to be assessed frankly, and admitted. And then we must - we are commanded to - address it. You might think the “Christian” thing to do is to just be quiet and not say anything. But here, in the law, God makes clear that if we have something against our neighbor - or our spouse - we must say something. Failure to speak leads to the sin of bitterness. So principle number one in Biblical communication is frank honesty.
Applied
So let’s talk about honesty. I’ll state the obvious first, because I’m afraid for many people it isn’t obvious: you should never lie to your spouse. Not only should you be truthful, but scrupulously truthful. That is, you must not make room for deceit or hiding or shading the truth.
Why is this so important? Because love cannot exist in an environment or distrust and mistrust, and trust cannot be built on anything except honesty and integrity. Remember: love is not a mere emotional experience. To express love is to consciously look out for and pursue the good of the other person. To receive love is to see that the other person is so oriented toward you. In this sense, trust is a prerequisite to receiving love. I can act in a loving way toward someone I don’t trust, but I cannot receive love from them apart from some measure of trust. Which means if you are cultivating habits of dishonesty, deceit, or secretiveness, you are destroying any ability to show love to your spouse.
This also means you shouldn’t be hiding things from your spouse. You shouldn’t be hiding purchases, or conversations with someone of the opposite sex, or the browsing history on your device. If you are hiding something because you are afraid to talk about it, or embarrassed to talk about, then it is likely something your spouse has a right to know.
Of course this does not negate principles of confidence, of keeping other people’s secrets. There may be things others tell you which it is not appropriate for your spouse to know (eg, just because you tell me something about your life doesn’t mean Andie is going to know). But there is a world of difference between respecting someone else’s privacy, and trying to keep secrets. One can be a mark of honesty and trustworthiness, the other is a recipe for disaster.
Don’t be deceitful, don’t speak with a forked tongue, and don’t be a slithering, hiding, snake in the grass. If you’re hiding something, it’s because you know it’s wrong. Don’t expect your spouse to trust you, and don’t expect them to accept displays of affection, if you are practicing deceit. In the words of Psalm 34:13, “Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.”
But Leviticus shows us that honesty entails more than simply not lying. It also means frankness. That is, you need to cultivate a culture of saying uncomfortable things and having hard conversations in your marriage. Don’t be bitter, speak frankly. When you are gritting your teeth and internally seething because your husband threw his socks on the floor instead of the laundry hamper for the 332nd time in 340 days, you need to stop grinding your teeth, and you need to open your mouth and say something. When you want to punch the wall because your wife ran up the credit card bill again, you shouldn’t actually punch the wall. You should open your mouth and have a conversation.
These kinds of conversations, talking about frustrations, unmet expectations, differing priorities, and the like - these are the bedrock of understanding one another. Many couples drift apart over the years because they fail to have these conversations with consistency, clarity, and civility. Things simmer under the surface for weeks, months, years, or decades: and then they blow up. It’s too much, and the simmering bitterness becomes all out war. When you start hearing statements like “I don’t even know the person I’m married to anymore” you can bet that it’s because these hard conversations were not had with - let me repeat - consistency, clarity, and civility.
Self-Controlled
When we turn to Galatians 5, there are a lot of principles we could draw. But what I consider to be the overarching one is this: self-control. We often use our communication as a form of sinful self expression: precisely what Paul calls “the works of the flesh.” That’s not helpful. When you are not in control of yourself, particularly what is exiting your mouths, you are not honoring the Lord.
Applied
When we seek to apply self-control in communication, there are two directions to take: one is the manner of our speech. This will be addressed in our final principle, and so I’ll let it wait. But the other direction is the aim of our communication. And that aim should be clarity. Which will largely affect that content of our communication. Clarity, not self expression, is the goal of communication in a healthy marriage. Clarity, not winning, is the goal of communication in a healthy marriage.
This is important. You, particularly if you are a woman, may be given to self-expression for the sake of self-expression. But this can lead to a constant chatter which you confuse with real communication. You are “expressing yourself” constantly, but fail to serve your spouse by helping him understand you, your desires, or your needs in any real way. You’re not communicating anything substantial, you're just talking. This is actually quite counter-productive when it comes to hard conversations. You think, like the Pharisees at prayer, that you will be heard for your many words. But you are really just venting. Usually people who start venting stop making sense.
The opposite can also be true; and here the temptation may be stronger for men: your tendency might be to just clam up. Your version of “self-expression” is a vacillation between silence and explosion. This, also, is not helpful. You can’t win so you’re silent. Or you must win so you’re overbearing.
Here’s how I would challenge you on the drive for clarity: worry more about understanding your spouse and their perspective than you worry about being understood by your spouse. You need to communicate, you do want to be understood. Clarity for the sake of love is the goal. And clarity is achieved more easily and readily through questions, listening to the response, and then discussing those responses together than it is through vollying opinions back and forth at one another. But, this is key: you need to ask genuine questions. Not rhetorical questions. Not interrogating to get information. You have two ears and one mouth, try to use them in proportion. “Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry” (James 1:19). Remember: you are seeking to understand and be understood, not to vent your spleen. You are seeking clarity in service of unity, not victory. So be calm, be self-controlled, and be interested in the other person. Against such things there is no law.
God-Honoring
The third principle, which we garner from that passage in James three, is that all speech must be ordered toward honoring God. James points out in verse two that stumbling and sinning speech is characteristic of sinful humanity. Your mouth steers your outward life, because your mouth reflects your inward life. This is the point James makes about fresh water not flowing from a salt pond, and figs not coming off of a grapevine. In this he is simply restating the principles of Jesus who said that it is out of the overflow of the heart that the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45).
James tells us that every beast in all of creation has been tamed, but no man can tame the tongue. Yet, by the power of the Holy Spirit, this is precisely what we are called to do. We are commanded to tame our tongues. Consider that God has made mankind in his own image: who are you to use your tongues to “praise” God to then turn and curse someone made in his likeness? Cursing image-bearers is incompatible with praising the God in whose image they are made. So the principle here is that all of our speech must be God-honoring.
Applied
And here is where Paul’s exhortation for husbands to love their wives, and for wives to respect their husbands, comes back into play.
When a wife has an issue, a complaint, or a concern she needs to bring to her husband, she needs to show respect in how she brings the issue forward. To jump back into our example of the socks on the floor: screaming, “why can’t you just throw the stupid socks in the basket?!”, or sarcastically asking, “am I your mother? Why do you expect me to pick up your laundry?”, or complaining to your girlfriends, “he’s such a pig, he just leaves his stuff everywhere!” - these are all out of bounds biblically. They display no respect for your husband, his intelligence, or his leadership. And let’s be honest: they don’t work. Treating a man like a child is a sure way to do two things: make him resent you and get him to more consistently act like a child. This is the predicament in which many women find themselves. They don’t calmly address matters in a frank, honest, and self-controlled way - in a respectful way - and things don’t go well.
But here is where Peter’s words in 1 Peter 3 also come back to help us: the wife is to be adorned in a gentle and quiet spirit, after the manner of Sarah - Sarah who would speak to her husband when she had an issue! A gentle and quiet spirit is often taken to mean “she never says ‘boo!’ about anything.” And then, women either try to keep silent about any problems, or they write off obedience to the text as stupid and ignore it. Both are wrong. You must pursue the frank honesty discussed initially, genuinely seeking clarity. But you must do so with an attitude of respect. One way you might address the sock issue with this in mind could sound like this: “Husband, I am trying to honor you by keeping the house in something resembling order. I’d appreciate it if you would honor my efforts by putting your socks in the basket. That would be a practical way for you to show me love.” That’s direct, clear, and respectful.
Men, on the other hand, need to emphasize loving their wives in their communication, and not being harsh. Men, you must be lovingly considerate: both in proactively addressing the issues you perceive, and in how you respond to your wife’s communication. So when she brings up the sock thing, don’t react with “how long of a day” you’ve had. Don’t start questioning the placement of the hamper, or the state of the house in general. Instead, be quick to listen. Slow to speak. Listen attentively. Seek to understand your wife, and then engage in a civil conversation - in the sock example, simply saying, “yes, dear - I’m sorry for not realizing that was a big deal to you” would be sufficient. Many things will require longer conversations, and you may actually not end up agreeing. But remember, the goal here is first of all to understand your spouse, and secondly to make yourself clear. Clarity for unity.
This means, both directions, that cruelty is off the table. Disrespect is off the table. Certain things like sarcasm, “always” and “never” statements, may not be absolutely off the table - but they probably won’t be helpful. They’re not clear, and they don’t unify.
Commitment
Communication in marriage must be constant, clear, and civil. It’s something you have to keep working at. You cannot be a quitter. Men, you are particularly responsible to initiate. Wives, you are particularly responsible to be receptive to his initiation. But the street does move both ways.
Three quick tips for how to make this doable:
* Determine to not initially defend yourself when your spouse brings an issue to you. That doesn’t mean you have to agree. It doesn’t mean you never get a chance to defend yourself. But your first posture should be that of listening humbly.
* Determine to frankly initiate, but always with an attitude of appropriate love and respect. Kindness and boldness can and must live together in healthy marital communication.
* Schedule regular times - a date night, a weekly or monthly meeting, or something else - where you can just stay up to date, talking to one another about all of life. This, first of all, is just placing a priority on your time together. Second, it also creates a rhythm where there are natural opportunities to have good conversations, and hard ones when necessary. These times need to be without kids and without friends. It needs to just be the two of you. The more frequently you can do this, the better.
Conclusion
You must seek understanding in your marriage relationship. This is not the same as constant agreement. The authority structure God created for marriage is helpful. Disagreement doesn’t equal stalemate or stuck if someone is in charge and is accountable for the decisions that are made. So the wife is free to speak her mind, to express her opinion and insights, without the goal of manipulation, and without her husband feeling manipulated or disrespected. He should feel helped by honestly knowing where she’s at.
But we don’t have to worship agreement. Agreement is a good goal to pursue, but it’s not the only goal or even the most important one. Fundamentally, we are communicating with one another because we are one. We are communicating in order to clearly express and build the love and respect within the marriage relationship. It is possible for us to have unified and healthy marriages even in the midst of personality differences and differences of opinions - which is good because if we couldn’t have healthy marriages with these conditions, we couldn’t have them at all!
Friends, communication is a precious gift from God. It’s a big piece of what it means to be made in the image of God. As you pursue communication in marriage with your spouse, remember the principles we talked about this morning: pursue frank honesty, self-control, and honoring God. Keep in mind the three C’s: constancy, clarity, and civility. You’re aiming to use communication - this good gift from God - to build up your marriage, that you might glorify God in loving unity.
