A Healthy Marriage, Part V: The Marriage Bed Undefiled
Remsen Bible Fellowship, 09/28/2024
Introduction
Hebrews 13:4, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
What is the marriage bed for? Not having a biblical response to this question is a problem. We live in a society steeped in assumptions about human personhood and sexual expression that run contrary to Scripture. Often, we as Christians have these same assumptions without realizing it. Because of this, our understanding of a passage like Hebrews 13:4 is stunted. Worse, it sounds like bad news to us, rather than an implication of the good news.
This creates one set of problems when we’re having conversations at work or at school or in the community. How can I explain the Bible’s stance on homosexuality without coming off as anything except a complete bigot? How can I express what God says about fornication or adultery without seeming judgemental? When we’ve bought hook-line-and-sinker into many of the world’s presuppositions and then tried to mesh Biblical teaching with them, it’s tough. We feel uneasy, without sure footing. So that’s one set of problems.
The other set of problems, to our point today, have to do with the Christian couple in marriage. As we walk through this series on A Healthy Marriage we have discussed the importance of roles, the particular duties of men and women in their particular roles in the marriage, considered some principles and practices for moving toward healthy communication, and today we are going to consider what Hebrews 13:4 calls “the marriage bed.”
If that seems like a scandalous sermon topic to you, you should really read your Bible more. While Christians have often been silent in this area, God is not. His word gives clear, helpful, and sufficient instruction in every area of life. And that includes this area.
This sermon is largely theological. We need a theological framework inside of which we can build lives that honor the Lord. There will be some practical suggestions at the end - but I don’t think they’ll mean much or be lastingly helpful without the theology. You need to build the house before you paint and decorate it.
So: what is sex?
We need to frame-up our understanding of this issue in light of the Scriptures. The first question we need to ask is, “what is sex?” To answer that question, we turn first to Genesis:
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Genesis 1:27-28 ESV)
The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.(Genesis 2:20-25 ESV)
We see here in Genesis chapters one and two that sex is, at its foundation, two things:
* sex is a good creation of God Himself. Sex is God's idea. Some Christians have tried to paint sex as bad, disgusting, or filthy. Nothing could be further from the truth. God made the first man and woman naked, told them to multiply, and called it very good. So, it’s his idea, he calls it very good, and who am I to argue with God about that? This truth is obvious in other parts of Scripture. For example, in Song of Solomon 4:16, we read,
Awake, O north wind,
and come, O south wind!
Blow upon my garden,
let its spices flow.
That was the Lover. His bride comes back with this reply,
Let my beloved come to his garden,
and eat its choicest fruits.
If you take the time to read through the Song of Solomon, you will find an exuberant celebration of married love, including its sexual aspect.
But it’s not just the Song of Solomon. This theme is present even on more “restrained” parts of Scripture. For example, we read in Proverbs 5:15-19,
Drink water from your own cistern,
Flowing water from your own well.
Should your springs be scattered abroad,
Streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for yourself alone,
And not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice in the wife of your youth,
A lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
Be intoxicated always in her love.
That’s the sort of thing that you could feel uncomfortable reading, if it weren’t in the Bible! God isn’t bashful in what he wants married couples to pursue in terms of taking delight in one another. In 1 Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul notes that your body, as a married person, no longer belongs to yourself - it belongs to your spouse. And this is God’s creational design.
* The second thing we note from the passages in Genesis is that sex is, in fact, a command of God. This does need some qualification, as this command is given to a man and a wife in the context of their marriage. But part of His charge to the human race is to multiply. All biblically approved sex occurs within the context of monogamous, heterosexual marriage; and so this command is what we might call a qualified command with universal implications. The qualification is marriage. But the universality remains because the continued existence of humanity literally depends upon it. We have already seen from the writings of Solomon God’s design for mutual pleasure; we’ll see later, in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul’s emphasis on married love as a means of fighting temptation. But the command in Genesis specifically relates to the multiplication of the human race, the raising of a godly offspring to rule, reign, and take dominion over all the earth. Let’s turn to Malachi 2:13-16,
And this second thing you do. You cover the Lord’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”
God desires godly offspring to come from our unions. This means that sex is not, contrary to what our society teaches, mainly a means of happiness, fulfillment, and self-expression. Faithful marriage, including its sexual element, has as a core part of its meaning the creation and discipling of the next generation. This, of course, does not mean that all sex must have as its goal the having of children. God has withheld the gift of natural children from some couples, which can be a source of great pain. That doesn’t in any way diminish the value or legitimacy of the marriage bed. The procreative shape of sexual union doesn’t mean that older people have to stop enjoying one another once they are past childbearing years. I don’t think it prohibits, necessarily, all forms or uses of birth control (though I do have thoughts here and preached a sermon touching on it last year).
Let’s return to our text in Hebrews 13:4,
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
Sex is God’s creation, His good and enjoyable creation. And, within the confines of Biblical marriage, it is indeed a command of God himself, given for the production of godly offspring. This command-gift to the married couple is to be held in high esteem among all, whether they are married or not. Sex is sacred. It is, in a very true sense, holy.
The Holiness of Sex
We saw above in the passage from Hebrews that God will judge the sexually immoral and the adulterous. The assumption behind this is the same as the first point in this sermon: that God is the creator of our bodies, and the creator of sex. As creator, He has absolute rights and authority over His creation, and thus sets the boundaries of what constitutes good, acceptable, and ethical behavior. Humans, of course, do not like this. Ever since our first father, Adam, took the fruit and plunged humanity into sin (Romans 5:12-14) we have been rejecting God's authority over our lives. We run headlong into all sorts of sins. Included in this sprinting away from God is a run headlong into sexual transgression. Scripture contains several passages listing different kinds of sexual sins and their consequences (eg, Leviticus 18, Romans 1, Galatians 5).
As I stated above, God created sex to live and flourish inside the confines of monogamous, heterosexual marriage. That’s an unpopular concept today. Our flesh hates it, because all of the promises which the world offers for sexual enjoyment, like fresh experiences, hookups, the perfectly romantic and ruggedly handsome man, passionate lovemaking all the time...these are not the realities of marriage. You marry one person. You spend an incredible amount of time with that one person, mostly outside the bedroom. You make each other mad, irritate one another, and are quite simply: human. And sinfully human, at that. This complicates the matter of sex. Because what Hollywood and pornography have told you was supposed to be an act of rip-each-other's clothes off passion becomes, in fact, a self-giving - in a sense, a self-sacrificing - sacrificing my needs for the needs of another.
Don't hear me wrong. Sex, as we’ve already argued from Scripture, is a most wonderful and beautiful gift. The exposure, the intimacy, the one flesh (Genesis 2:24) can be one of the most enjoyable things God gives us on this earth. But the joy, while including the physical pleasure that God intended, goes a whole lot deeper and past that. When God said that the man and woman become one flesh, he wasn't just saying that the puzzle pieces fit. The oneness that takes place in marriage, and in the marriage bed, is one of physical, emotional, and spiritual unity. Ephesians 5, where we will return next week, tells us that this pictures an even greater unity; namely, of Christ and His church.
When we remove sex from the realm of marriage, we make it a very dangerous thing. All of that exposure, intimacy, and oneness has now been offered to one who has promised nothing in return. In casting off God's law here, we cast off not a burden, but a safeguard for our soul.
I titled this section the Holiness of Sex, and you may be wondering why I am saying so little about that holiness. The word Holy carries the idea of being set apart, and this is exactly what I'm attempting to communicate here. That God has set sex apart, in the bond of marriage, for the safety, well being, and lasting pleasure of His creatures.
So: what do we do?
That’s a lot of framing work. But as I said at the outset, before you start painting the house, you have to frame it up. That being said, here are practical commendations from the Scriptures for honoring the marriage bed an pursuing a healthy marriage:
* Married couples should be together on a regular basis.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5, “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Paul makes clear that frequency is important if sex in marriage is actually going to work for one of its most important purposes: the protection of the couple from sin. Do not deprive, except by agreement, for very limited times, for prayer. I’m not going to give a number here, that probably varies per couple, season of life, etc. I’m a pastor, not a therapist. But as your pastor, I can point you straight to this text that says, your body belongs to your spouse. You need to view sex within marriage not merely as a place for your personal satisfaction, and participate according only to your feelings and whims. It’s a place of service to the needs of your spouse. And a means of protecting him or her from sinning against God and you.
* This assumes what we talked about last week: frank communication within marriage. These conversations can be very difficult or embarrassing. Some of you are no doubt embarrassed right now. But again, let me point your nose to the book, and say: God is not embarrassed. The language of Scripture regarding human sexuality is not crass or crude, but it is clear. It is honest. It is prudent but not prudish. As a couple, read and discuss the Bible together: especially passages like 1 Corinthians 7, Song of Solomon, Proverbs 5-7, Genesis 2, Ephesians 5. Your communication with your spouse needs to be clear: ask what they need, be clear about what you need. You cannot serve one another and love one another well without clear communication. Have hard and awkward conversations. You’ll love each other better for it.
* We need to recognize that, in this fallen world, sin gets in the way of sex being the pleasurable experience that it should be for the Christian couple.
* There is sexual sin in the past (your own)
* There is sexual sin in the past (someone else’s)
* There is sexual sin in the present.
Let’s address them each in turn.
* Your own sin in the past. Friends, many of us have failed in this area. And I hope that it bothers you. I would be very concerned if sin in your past didn’t bother you when you think about it. But if your past disobedience to God is causing you troubles with current obedience and enjoying or serving your spouse, if you find you continue to carry shame over what you’ve done, let me point you to the cross. On the cross, our Lord Jesus bore the weight of your sin in his body on the tree, that you might die to that sin and live to righteousness (1 Peter 2:24). How is this possible? Because his sacrifice was sufficient to bear God’s anger against all of your sin. He canceled the record of debt that stood against you (Colossians 2:14). The sin has been killed, sin and its wages have died to you because of Jesus - so if you have received him as your Savior, you are forgiven, you are clean, you are a new creation, and you do not need to carry the shame of your past (2 Corinthians 5:21). If you have fornication, or adultery, or a pornography addiction, or any other sexual sin in your past, look to the cross of Jesus, who took your sin and carried it away. Do not carry shame for your past around like a badge of holiness - continuing to carry shame for what Christ has forgiven is not humility or holiness, it’s a deceptive form of pride. Thank him for his forgiveness, and ask him for freedom to walk in a newness of life and joy. The solution to your sin is the gospel.
* Other’s sin in the past. You may be carrying shame from the past that isn’t your fault. This is harder, because some people will tell you that there is no shame in that which you did not choose for yourself. We all know that isn’t true. You can feel a very deep and profound sense of shame over what has been done to you - especially if you’ve been violated sexually. Tamar asks her brother Amnon in 2 Samuel 13:13, when he intended to rape her, “As for me, where could I carry my shame?” After he violated her and then hated her, she lived the rest of her life a “desolate woman” (v20).
If you have been violated sexually, here me now: it is not your fault. The sin of others is not due to some weakness or foolishness or fault in you. Your abuser committed a sin in the eyes of God - and whether there is ever justice carried out on this earth, they will one day stand before the just judge of all the universe and have to answer for what they did. Justice will be served.
You also need to know that you can be rid of your disgrace. The shame and violation is real, but it does not define you. You are an image-bearer of God, a human being of immeasurable value and worth. If you have trusted in Jesus, he is reshaping you after God’s likeness. He is restoring what sin - both your sin and the sin of others - has marred and broken. The solution to the problem of other people’s sin is also the gospel. You are who Jesus says you are: loved, chosen, and valued.
Practically, though, sex may still be harder or scarier for you. And here I would recommend not trying to go this alone. Working through the pain of your past with a competent Christian counselor could be a valuable investment in your own health and well-being, but also in the health of your marriage.
* Present Sin. What if the sin problem in your marriage isn’t back there in the past? Here we come back to the same answer: you must repent. The sexually immoral and the adulterous will not inherit the kingdom of God. Sexual sin is particularly dangerous to the soul, because it touches so close to the core of who we are. If you are driven by your lusts, if you are using porngraphy, if you are cheating on your spouse, let me be dead clear: your soul is at stake. Repent now, while you can still hear the call. Do not think you can hide your sin. Your sin will find you out (Numbers 32:23). So repent of your sin to God, to your spouse, and to a trusted friend or two who can pray for you. For the repentant sinner, there is great hope in the gospel of Jesus:
1 Corinthians 6:9-11, “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
Such were some of you. But you were washed, set apart, and made just in the eyes of God by Jesus’ blood and the Spirit’s work. This changes everything about how we live. Including in our marriages. This doesn’t mean it will be easy. And if you are the spouse sinned against, there will be trust issues and potential problems that I can’t possibly get into without this sermon getting even longer - but let me again point you to the gospel, where Jesus carries away our sin; and to the practical help of competent counseling, where you can be shepherded with specific counsel and help for your situation. Do not try to walk these roads alone.
Conclusion
Friends, sex within marriage is one of God’s greatest earthly gifts. A healthy marriage cannot exist without a couple learning to grow in their knowledge of one another, service to one another, and delight in one another. There are hindrances which fight against this reality, and we must be diligent and purposeful to overcome those obstacles in obedience to Christ, in love for our spouse, and for our own earthly joy. Let the marriage be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed undefiled.
