It may be shocking to realize that your seemingly innocent strategy of being a nice person obedient to the rules, frameworks or values of other people is not as harmless as you may think.
Giving your center away is the first step towards war.
You may pretend - even to yourself - that you are trying to ‘do a good job’, participating the same way as everybody else, without questioning or investigating how you want to participate.
You may have learned to do this in school and your corporate job but now, you are probably playing the same game with your teams in regenerative gameworld, even this one!
After some time, you realize that you are abusing yourself by not speaking up when you need to, not making the proposals that were important for you, not saying ‘Stop’ when you have had enough. You have justifications about why you lack integrity. Most of those reasons are usually about emotional Fear. You are unconsciously afraid that you will be exiled, rejected, judged, fired, marginalized, etc… You probably have cellular memories of being killed for showing up. You carry a wounded-identity that continuously gather evidences to prove that you are rejected and alone each time your try to speak up.
Then, comes the resentment. How long does it take for you to shift from ‘please love me’ to ‘you hurt me!’?
It depends on the style of your Gremlin.
If you Gremlin is a ‘hate first, ask question later’, then the hatred comes fairly quickly. It can be a matter of seconds or weeks.
But if you Gremlin is trained to pretend to be mature while submitting to abuse and play innocent as way to survive, then it may take years for you to uncover the pool of resentment that you have been bathing in. When the dam of hatred open, it can be quite confrontational if you imagine yourself to be a good person who loves people.
The mechanism of turning obedience into war goes like this:
* You giving your center away under the false pretense that it will keep you safe. You think that by externalizing your thoughts, your feelings, your values, your choices, your discernment to someone else, you can avoid the responsibility of your own five-body intelligence. Clever but impossible in a Radical Responsible Universe.
* If your projected external authority figure accepts your center, they will play with you like a marionette. They will use you for their own agenda. They can be important now that they have followers or lovers. It makes sense that you would hate them for it. But remember, you are the one who gave your center away in the first place. No one can give away your center for you. You were unconsciously strategizing a power-dynamic in which you will eventually hate them for doing what you ask of them in the first place.
* Extraordinarily, if you find a spaceholder who refuses your center, they will, at the same time, refuse to play along with your survival strategy that has kept you safe for years. They will decline to fit into your expectations about how they should take care of you, your feelings, or your self-image. They will not be adaptive to how you need the world to feel ‘safe’. Whether you prefer people treating you like a victim or a persecutor, if a spaceholder has their center, they see both as what it is: a show to control your environment. In their refusal to play along, your survival strategy ‘feels’ attacked. And you feel angry that your game is uncovered. Actually you feel scared, but the hatred tend to cover it up.
* Obedience is a setup for betrayal. Either way, you got what you wanted, you were betrayed by the person who you try to force to take care of you. Now that you can prove that they hurt you, then you have full permission to hurt them back.
And thus war begins.
The thing is no amount of hatred of others will make you have your life back. On the contrary, you are digging yourself deeper into a jungle of resentment and betrayal.
The healing process for obedience is taking your center back. Nobody can do that for you. The good news is, nobody can stop you either.
You could start with A*****e Training, blowing apart this false image that being good is what keeps you safe. What if, instead, being yourself is the key to taking care of yourself? Even more than that, that being your A*****e Self, is how you care for your village, for humanity and for the future.
It is possible to live in a web of relationship where you simply refuse to be at war with people, whether they are your friends, lovers, mentors, employees, or enemies.
That kind of culture could start with you.
