I was sharing with my oldest brother how I felt like a burden, to my family, to my friends, to myself, how I felt like a complete failure. The months leading up to this conversation I’d made some big changes in my life after realising the way I was living wasn’t going to nourish me in the long-term, realising the way I was showing up wasn’t fully true to who I was or what I wanted to experience. Many of these changes felt so scary, I remember asking life back in April “show me what my heart and soul truly want to experience”, and feeling willing to follow wherever it would take me.
That conversation with my older brother felt like a pivotal moment for me, I can see how a lot of the things I had been doing and who I was being, were attempts to prove something about who I was, to be seen for who I really was, and when the success that I perceived as success felt unmanageable, I was afraid to let it go because I thought that it would mean letting go of the validation that I thought I needed. The permission I thought I needed. A young Emma wanted to be seen so badly, because she spent many years hiding from being herself, suppressing the gift that is who she is, by simply being herself.
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It feels strange to say that now, to see simply my presence and my being as enough. To trust that whatever arises from that being as enough. Although this is definitely a way of living I’m continuing to practice and learn about, I’ve found the peace in choosing to operate this way, in a world that operates based on what you do. Think, how many times when you first meet someone have you been asked “what do you do?”, as if that defines who you are, what if instead we asked “tell me about you”, “how are you feeling” - what if we all created spaces to share openly, transparently, to feel safe and held to simply share what is our truth in that moment. I believe, it starts with exploring the inner conflicts within ourselves. The conflicts that arise from trying to escape, from judging the phase we’re in right now. From seeing where we are as not good enough, who we are, where we are as not successful.
A plant doesn’t try to skip the phase of being a seed, and still grows into it the full essence that existed inside of that seed. Nor does it try to resist when its death feeds the soil for new life to grow.
There’s a common saying “be the change you want to see in the world”. Emma, a few months ago would’ve shared she felt that she was a burden to the world by doing what she wanted to do in this phase of her life, by being who she is right now. I felt inspired to share my truth now, to remind you that it’s okay to feel like a burden and, to also remind you that you’re not one. To share with you, that, right now, I’m choosing to just be, enjoy life and create without putting pressure on myself to do anything else. Here, in the form of a poem, is what surfaces for me around choosing this.
Burden
Am I even deserving?
Of a home where I’m not just observing
My life
As it drifts on by
Sometimes I feel as though I’m looking out of a window
Where the glass is frosted
The snowfall touches the winters of my life
A breathe, a deep sigh
To now know who I am
Back in the days I began
To run far away from my homeland
The days that I sang to soothe
Holding a tune
A hot air balloon
Weightless
Amazement
The heaviness still has moments where it pulls me down
Back when I forgot how to touch the ground
Because I was following the remembrance of the heavens
High vibrations
Yet always escaping
A prison that I had built for myself
Where what I needed belonged at the back of a shelf
I delved so deep I forgot what it meant to be human
I forgot what it meant to be me
I wanted so badly to feel free
That I forgot my own needs
To feel at peace
Yet, be seen in all that I am
How far have I swam
Yet, I feel I’m going in circles
Stuck in a whirlpool
Where I keep having to start all over again
Where I keep having to pretend
Having to mend
I’m angry
I’m frustrated
Yet, I’m calm
At peace
Because I find ease in chaos
I find relaxation riding the waves
Can I pave a new way?
Can I rise from this grave?
Can I just write?
Can I arrive?
Can I sing?
I don’t know
I suppose I only want to just be
I have so many questions
That I no longer want answered
Because someone once told me
The answer is found in the question
The suggestion is that we already know
The seeds we are destined to sew
That life, can’t always be only flow
Because even the river crashes into rocks
Sometimes the unconscious knocks on the door of our hearts
To ask us to see what we once suppressed
The test of the parts we neglected
That over protected
Disrespected
How deeply they were affected by the world
We’re all only young girls
And boys
Trying not to destroy our dreams
Trying to trust what our hearts believe
And not lean into greed and pride
To walk this way you must let yourself die into new evolutions
Birth new ways of being
Feeling
Healing
Because everything is change
Yet, in that change, the I am that I am, is always the same
with love,
Emma
If you felt supported by this poem, please leave a comment below or reach out via email, emma@emmaevelyncampbell.com and let me know what came up for you. I love to hear from people that connect with the art and words that come through me. 😊 Equally, if you feel like this poem would benefit someone close to you, please spread the love and share it with them.
If you’d like to connect more intimately with this art, you can purchase my book, 44: A Journey Through Poetry, by clicking here.
with love,
Emma
Emma Evelyn is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
