I hate this part of internet culture where something happens and we all immediately want to comment on it and give our hot takes. And I especially hate how quick society is to make light of something very scary and serious just because it happened to a celebrity.
I also hate how righteous people can be - as if having a keyboard gives us the right to say what kind of behavior is okay and not okay.
I will say, though (at the risk of sounding righteous), that it’s deeply unsettling to be seeing memes already — of Cynthia Erivo protecting Ariana Grande.
I’ll also say that I think these actions have less to do with singular individuals making such memes — and more to do with the very parasocial relationship many people have with celebrities, due to the access that the paparazzi + the internet has perpetuated and allowed.
We are not entitled to know anything about anyone’s personal life — beyond what they choose to show us.
Knowing how a politician is spending their time during a national disaster is far different than knowing how a celebrity is spending their vacation.
Politicians have CHOSEN to devote a portion of their lives to public service, and that duty does come with certain expectations.
Celebrities should not have to carry the same expectations — and yet they do.
All public figures are not alike. They are all human, though.
And no human should be denied dignity, empathy, respect, or safety.
I will admit that I have watched the video of Cynthia protecting Ariana / Ariana being assaulted — several times, from several angles, and a few times at .5 speed. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was like watching a car crash and not being able to look away. And yet of course, it felt like there was something voyeuristic about watching again and again.
Even as someone with CPTSD, I can only begin to imagine and never fully grasp what went through Ariana’s mind. How scared she must have been. How scared Cynthia must have been when she lunged into action.
I couldn’t help but hear the echo of Elphaba yelling, “Leave her alone, she has nothing to do with this. I’m the one you want, it’s me!” in the final moments of Wicked Part 1. A natural protector on and off screen.
And then I felt guilty for thinking of that moment in the film, when faced with a scary moment from reality.
It’s like when the fires were raging through LA — and reporters pointed out how life eerily imitated art for Milo Ventimiglia, who has now lost his house in a fire on camera (in This Is Us, when his character passed away), and now in real life. It’s a kind of unavoidable comparison- but I still can’t imagine what it was like to even think about that parallel, while evacuating his house with his pets and pregnant wife who was about to give birth any day.
(I could also talk more about the outrageous lack of humanity that was shown to celebrities during those fires, but that’s a long tangent.)
We have to stretch our hearts wider and deepen our capacity for empathy.
I can feel horrified by what happened to Ariana Grande and wish her, Cynthia Erivo, Michelle Yeoh, and all of their loved ones nothing but peace (and really good security).
I can feel all of that — while simultaneously being disgusted by my government and looking up food banks to donate money to.
We don’t have to pick one unspeakably horrible thing to amplify and feel bad about at a time. We don’t have to compare.
We can and must feel it all. That’s my mandate to myself.
I want to be as happy for myself as I am for my friends. I want to feel their losses as deeply as I do my own. I want to open my heart to a stranger in need the same way that I would to my loved ones.
It cost me nothing to send well wishes and love to multiple people who are struggling.
It does cost me — and you — something to post casually cruel and deeply unnecessary comments like “can we stop talking about XYZ celebrity and focus on the people who are dying?”
You can point all of your energy and focus towards anything you deem worthy — without criticizing where others put theirs.
You can inspire me to care about the things that you do, without putting down the things that I care about.
Are there moments in life that put many of our issues into (much needed) perspective? Sure.
But that doesn’t mean we shame people (celebrities included) for the things that they’re facing in their lives.
Earlier this year, in therapy, I talked about the anxiety attack I had after finding out Trader Joe’s was out of my brown sugar oat milk creamer.
I cried alone in the kitchen when I found out that Glennon Doyle’s sister, Amanda, had cancer.
I’m sad that that actor from Dawson’s Creek has to sell his memorabilia to pay for cancer treatment.
I will continue sending good energy and love, and light to Ariana Grande.
I really hope that this person who keeps charging at celebrities finds something better to do. I hope that one day, when they (maybe) start healing and really deeply reflect on whatever has caused them to act this way, they change their ways and find redemption.
Not being able to see the suffering you’re causing others is its own kind of suffering. I hope anyone who loves him, who is horrified by his behavior, can find some peace, too. You kind of can’t imagine what it’s like to be associated with (or even related to) someone who has committed a crime — until it happens. I went to a play at the Roundabout called Something Clean, which speaks to that perspective, and I never forgot it.
Anyway. I’m going to wrap this up.
If you walk away from reading this with just one thing on your heart, let it be this:
Dismissing and diminishing someone else’s pain is never a compassionate thing to do.
Having less empathy for a human being based on their privilege is never a compassionate thing to do.
Am I going to personally try to contact a celebrity who m my heart goes out to, and tangibly help them the way I would help a loved one? No. That’s where the para-social part kicks in. I can feel my feelings and want good things for human beings, and also acknowledge that I don’t personally know any of the celebrities I admire.
But the thing is — going out of your way to criticize everyone else’s response to a celebrity’s pain? I think that’s just as para-social, in a different way.
Part of me really wants to end this with “stop being mean on the internet and go touch grass
But instead, I’m just going to put my phone down and pour a glass of poppi soda and heat up some eggplant parm from Costco while I watch the latest episode of the Murdaugh Murders.
RIP to the real-life Maggie Murdaugh and the fictional version played oh so brilliantly by Patricia Arquette. (who also did an amazing job in The Act playing Dee Dee Blanchard. She deserves to live through one of these docuseries. Jeremy Jordan has also had a similar treatment, and I want my man to live.)
