Many things have changed since the old school days I remember. I recall we played outside daily, though I’m not entirely sure how that was possible, given the UK has a rain streak that must have unlocked a “Legendary Weather” achievement in the Met Office basement. What I am truly grateful for is that I was never once asked for my Instagram handle. The resulting social anxiety would have triggered a paralysis so total I’d have ended up exactly where I did when setting up my first email address: toby2000@aol.com. Everything was a naming convention of [firstname]2000@domain.endofwebsite.
I can only imagine—from my far-removed position of childless privilege—that the politics of the playground have been entirely replaced by the overspill of “The Algorithm.” Why is “6-7” such a phenomenon to parents and teachers? Because it is a physical overflow of the social media code, being channelled by the very toddlers who will one day control our oxygen supply. Everything is now a mere comment on the thing that should be happening; to pretend otherwise is a form of parental psychosis.
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If your child’s school is not actively combating this, you must immediately remove them from the establishment. The only acceptable curriculum is a rigorous education in developing and producing a podcast. Just as we were once expected to possess a ‘2000’ suffix in our email addresses, the current generation must learn to transform the tuck shop into a multi-part episodic exploration of small talk to be recorded and published for a world that simply must hear the critical debate about the price of a Freddo.
When I was finishing school, the expectation was that every other person would head to University simply so employers wouldn’t have to deal with anyone under the age of twenty. By 2030, the government will surely mandate that every school leaver possesses a podcast. You must get ahead of this. If your child is asked for their handle, the only acceptable response is a link to their RSS feed and a guest appearance schedule for the first eighteen months after education has ceased.
I know this to be true because of my nephews and niece. I innocently thought their constant huddling was a game; it transpired to be the rigorous pre-production planning for a Spotify deal that doesn’t yet exist.
To save your child from contemporary playground pressures, you must ensure they are the subject of a very specific type of bullying that can be rebranded as ‘content.’ If you are at a loss, simply hand your offspring a tiny microphone.
The Instagram Pivot
When your child is asked, “Are you on Instagram?” they must respond: “No, but I do have a podcast. Like and subscribe.”
Here are the necessary responses to the other algorithmic horsemen:
TikTok
The ‘For You’ page makes it sound as though the app was expecting you, curating a selection to address your exact soul-needs that were present when opening the app. In reality, it is a bunch of generic trends happening in your general microbiome. This must be ditched. Challenge the consumer with an important response to their dwindling attention span.
* The Response: “I find the short-form video format lacks the structural integrity required for my personal brand. Please see my YouTube lecture on the Geopolitics of the Climbing Frame.”
Snapchat
How can a child make a difference if every moment of their life is a disposable Polaroid lost in the ether of a disintegrating universe? They will not matter, but “eventually” not matter. They must, right now, believe every step they take is an act to celebrate. Ground their self-worth in documentation; show them that a tactile experience can be monetised.
* The Response: “I’ve moved to a subscription-only model. My archive includes a selection of the childhood photos my parents shared openly on Facebook. You can embarrass me for just £12 a month this year.”
Twitch
Other people having fun on your time is, frankly, disrespectful. Watching a sponsored teen attempt a jump-scare-free run of Five Nights at Freddy’s unfiltered is going to backfire when they make a sudden movement that dismantles their entire home studio—lighting rig and all. At what point do we escape? Learn from yourself, not from someone else’s mistaken activities passed off as wisdom.
* The Response: “I don’t do real-time. My current project is a reboot of the toddler years. The next episode drops after double Science.”
You cannot leave a WhatsApp group once you’ve been added. I’ve tried. If you attempt an exit, you are immediately re-added with a message saying, “Looks like you left by mistake.”
* The Response: “I recently started a podcast called ‘The Rest is a Meme.’ Your group messages are going to be excellent source material.”
A niche is carved out for those creative few who really like gingham. They have a vision board for every extra-curricular activity. This is not enough. The dreamer remains a dreamer; they must be coached to think about “goals,” not “dreams.”
* The Response: “This week’s montage for scrapbook building is accompanied by a Mediterranean recipe and a reimagined version of Wonderwall by Oasis.”
This is the fountain of all knowledge, provided you want leadership lessons from a recycling bag. The LinkedIn energy is unique; one must be “thrilled” to start a job, “thrilled” to be doing the same job year after year, and “thrilled” to post unflattering pictures of oneself under networking-event neon.
* The Response: Produce a series of interviews with well-to-do children who describe the “obstacles” they overcame to enjoy their protein-rich lunch box and high-end gadgets. Ensure there is no mention of parental help. Sponsorship must be sought exclusively from Steven Bartlett.
Facebook & Discord
* The Response: “I only do unboxing videos.”
I trust this helps you navigate the strange future where the new generation cannot date someone sitting right next to them without first checking their digital pulse. Some children will fall through the cracks and live a disconnected life, which will, naturally, form the basis of the content produced by their peers. For the rest, you are now equipped to pivot your child away from screen anxiety and toward a vanity so profound it elevates their every mundane thought into self-induced therapy.
