You now have two tools at your disposal that you can use to regulate yourself—the Reactivity Scale and the Triangle of Activation. Use these tools as we move ahead to monitor and reground yourself. We’re going to go into your Nature and your Narrative, and depending on what clarity you gain about yourself during this portion of the journey, you’ll want to make sure you have some comfort and familiarity with these tools.
The first batch of Audio Notes will help you understand your Nature. We’re going to look at those aspects of yourself that were given to you at birth, actually before birth if the research is accurate. These are the aspects of your makeup you couldn’t change if you wanted to. In particular, we’re going to focus on your temperament because of its powerful affect on how we live and lead.
Narrative comprises everything else: family of origin, life circumstances, relationships, events, choices, and so on. You have a story that’s worth telling. It includes plot, rising action, tension, and resolution. You’re the hero of the story, but it also includes a supporting cast, extras, and antagonists. Like Nature, your Narrative has an enormous influence over how you show up in the world. If the research is accurate, and I think it is, the Nature-Narrative makeup is a 50-50 split in terms of their influence on our lives.
These two elements don’t operate in isolation. They play off each other like two musicians. The way you show up in life today reveals this interplay between Nature and Narrative. As you gain awareness of your Nature and Narrative, you may find that you can ascribe certain tendencies and reactions to one or the other. More often you’ll find they share responsibility.
For example, I was working with a team of leaders within a company. One individual in particular struggled with self regulation. He dominated meetings, and didn’t seem to listen to the opinions of others on the team. I was monitoring my own response to him and noticed that most meetings I was hovering around a 7 or 8 on the Reactivity Scale, always along the hyper line of the Activation Triangle, which means I was operating out of my sympathetic nervous system.
While his behavior irritated everyone on the team, I could tell I was out of sync with the situation and started to observe other people around the table. Judging by their body language and response to him they seemed to be closer to a 4 or 5, which seemed about right to me. I was looking at a difference of about 3 to 4 points on the Scale. What could account for the difference?
As I began to filter the experience through my Nature and Narrative, explanations rose to the surface. One thing I know about my Nature is that time wasting can set me off—not all the time, but in a work setting I place a premium on maximizing the value my clients gain within finite amount of time we have together. This leader’s tendency to dominate the meeting chewed up valuable time, diminished the engagement of others, and reduced what we were able to accomplish.
When I ran the experience through my Narrative, I realized that this leader possesses a trait that is particularly difficult for me: a lack of self awareness. This leader seemed to have no awareness or concern about how his behavior effected others on the team. I realize there’s not a person alive will say they love being around people that lack self awareness, but my Narrative includes wounds that I received at the hands of a person in my life that lacked self awareness.
This helped explain why I was out of sync with the situation. This person’s behavior was accessing vulnerabilities I have at both the Nature and Narrative levels. His tendency to waste time and his lack of self awareness accessed existing predispositions that I possesses. It wasn’t the first time a person like this has activated me, and it won’t be the last.
Imagine if I had reacted out of that activate state. I would have been making a choice to focus on him as the problem so that I don’t have to look at the real source of my reaction. Remember, he merely accessed my vulnerabilities. My task is to be honest about what he accessed and process it. If I don’t, my reaction will come out on him, someone else, or myself.
It’s an act of unkindness not to engage in this process. Anytime we avoid reality it’s an act of unkindness. In this particular situation, not only would it have been an act of unkindness, I would have cratered my influence with the team.
I knew I needed to address this situation. As his behavior persisted, I recommended we do a 360 review with this leaders peers. They presented a scathing report that a group of senior leaders presented to him. Rather than defend himself or blame others, he owned the feedback. He truly had no idea what it’s like to be on the other side of himself. This set in motion a series of milestones in his personal and professional growth. His lack of Selfship would have capped his growth potential. Instead, he’s received two significant promotions within the company.
I relay this example to demonstrate the value of knowing your Nature and Narrative. Given the significant role they both play in how I show up every day, I want to know them as well as possible so that I can live intentionally and take responsibility for myself. The only other available option is to go through life blaming others for my choices and reactions. A special kind of nausea sets in when I imagine living my life that way.
My question to you as we move into this next series of Audio Notes is: What’s your level of curiosity about yourself? How willing are you to discover brilliance you’ve never recognized before? Are you willing to see the challenges of being on the other side of you? The only thing that’s worse than ignorance about yourself is indifference about yourself. A lack of curiosity is the kiss of death. It kills Selfship.
I’ve got a challenge for you that will test this question. Take out a sheet of paper and create two columns. In the first column list examples of your natural giftedness. These are the things that you’re not just good at, they give you energy when you do them. I know that’s a tough ask, so think about it this way: What do you hope people seek you out to help with? Do you love handling details or hate them? Do you love dreaming about future possibilities, or addressing practical considerations in the here and now? Whatever it is, write it down.
The other column is for those things that drain you. Some of these may be obvious because you avoid them at all costs. But be on the watch for things you may do exceptionally well every single day that actually drain you. You’ve gotten to your level of leadership by learning to do a lot of things that aren’t rooted in your Natural skillset. That’s makes you a good team player.We just need to learn how to balance them, and the first step toward balance is increasing your awareness about those things you’re uniquely gifted in—your superpowers—and those areas that drain you.
Test the edge of your curiosity. If you feel a bit uncomfortable, remember the One Truth: healthy discomfort precedes growth. So go and get uncomfortable.
Do this exercise and you’ll be primed for the tool I’m going to introduce in the next Audio Note.
