We typically think of shame and pride as vastly different things. Not so. They're two sides of the same coin.
But first I’d like to differentiate between shame and guilt. Guilt, as I’m using it, is a healthy experience. For example, when I make a choice that hurts someone guilt activates my conscience and lets me know I need to make amends. Guilt has a strong grip on the truth and reminds us when we’re out of step with it. Then guilt goes the extra miles and tries to bring us back to itself. I can’t imagine the kind of person I’d be if I didn’t have a healthy sense of guilt.
Shame is an entirely different beast. Guilt lets me know that I did something wrong, but shame tries to convince me that there’s something wrong with me. See the difference? Guilt has our best interest at heart. It’s aim is to realign us with what’s good for us and the people in our lives. It builds us up. Shame's aim is to convince us of our worthlessness. It tears us down, often by directing our focus to the people around us, convincing us all that we lack their looks, gifts, status, and other differentiating factors.
For example, I may see a person whose social affability seems in contrast to my perception of myself as social clunker. Shame sidles up and asks, “What’s wrong with you? This person is so easy with people. What’s your problem?” Or maybe I see someone experience some kind of success in life or work. I hear Shame ask, “Why haven’t you achieved that level of success?” In short, “What’s wrong with you?”
Pride lives on the other side of the coin from Shame. If Shame asks “What’s wrong with me?”, Pride asks, “What’s wrong with everyone else?” When I’m in a state of Pride, I believe I have more value than others. I lose patience with them and wonder, “When will they ever learn to be more like me?” Pride draws a warm bath of smug self satisfaction and invites me to stew in it for a while.
The two share a common problem: they both distort our valuation of ourselves. Shame tries to convince we're worthless, while pride inflates our sense worth. Some people experience one far more than the other. Others cycle between the two.
How about you? Do you find yourself taken down by shame or inflated by pride, or are you well acquainted with both?
With hard work and maturity we can grow to have an accurate valuation of ourselves. This doesn’t mean we won’t still struggle with shame, pride, or both. We will. But we'll know when we fall under their spell. The frameworks and tools we'll cover during this journey will help you chart a course back to yourself. That's Selfship in action.
