Welcome to the Nobel Soul Podcast,
A few weeks ago, I had my second spiritual Psychosis experience. This one landed me in the hospital for nine nights! It was full on. I feel lucky to be alive today and to be of sound mind again.
Before my spiritual psychosis experience, I read and wrote a lot about Christianity and Spirituality. I wasn’t sure at first if I should publicly share these Q&As. The last thing I want is to put myself back into a Spiritual Psychosis. I also don’t want anyone else to go through what I did, in any shape or form.
However, I think that turning my experience into podcast episodes will help me process everything and help me heal. Perhaps sharing my experiences will be comforting to some who have gone through similar hurdles.
Please only listen to these podcast episodes if you are of sound mind and spiritually mature. Please also refrain from adopting any of my beliefs as your own (unless, of course, they resonate with you).
I don’t claim to know the Truth, but this is how far I got with my own spiritual enquiries before my health took a turn for the worse. For me, it was a case of too much, too soon!)
I will always consider myself a spiritual being, but aside from yoga, chanting, and perhaps visiting the odd church service, I will no longer dive as deeply into spirituality and Christianity as I did. Not any time soon, anyway! I must reconnect with Mother Earth and with my life in the Here and Now for the sake of my healing and my mental health.
What I will do, however, is read through most of my previously written spiritual notes. I will refrain from editing these and read them out as I wrote them. This may mean that there is a bit of repetition here and there. Please excuse this and know that I was obsessively writing and fighting sleep for about a week before I landed in the hospital.
My OCD was relentless, I pushed and pushed and reached a stage of being scared to fall asleep as I thought that I may never wake up!
Please take everything I say with a pinch of salt. I am not here to try and teach you anything. I am just here to share and try to make sense of my own spiritual and psychosis journey (that which hasn’t disappeared into my subconscious memory).
If you don’t feel good while listening to my stories, just ignore this season’s episodes and instead, tune into my more light-hearted YouTube videos.
I do believe that there is a reason I experienced this psychosis. I hope that it was to make me a stronger, lighter and brighter version of myself.
How it All Began
I have always considered myself spiritual but not religious. However, I have been drawn to Christianity more than once. I developed feelings for a Christian man in the US three years ago. I won’t go into the whole story again, but long story short, he broke my heart more than once (or perhaps, I kept breaking my own heart by trying so hard to make something work that wasn’t meant to be).
This Christian man and I debated a lot about our beliefs. Part of me wanted to be the Christian woman of his dreams, but some core Christian beliefs just didn’t sit right with me. I couldn’t force myself to become a Christian woman - Not in the religious sense, anyway.
I experienced my first spiritual psychosis episode near the end of May 2024. I already created a 3-part video of this, you can find these in my YouTube playlist called: My Journey into Spiritual Psychosis.
My first spiritual psychosis experience landed me in the hospital, but only for one sleepless night. It was a full-on two weeks, but thankfully, there was light at the end of the tunnel.
Three months after my first psychosis experience, I landed my first lead role in a musical. Here, I experienced the love and joy of working creatively with the community.
A month after that, I rescued three stray kittens living under a convenience store. They brightened my world. I still have them today, their names are: Benny, Louie and Blacky.
A beautiful reminder that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and that which challenges us makes us stronger. For a while, life was brighter than it ever had been, and I hope that that will be the case this time around!
In September this year. I felt inspired to order my first New Testament book while watching Charlie Kirk’s Memorial Service. Along with it, I received four booklets which aligned with many of my spiritual beliefs.
They are called: Basic Elements of the Christian Life - By Witness Lee and Watchman Nee, and The Economy of God by Witness Lee.
After reading these booklets, I read more into Christian beliefs and also spiritual beliefs, and before I knew it, my life spun out of control, mentally, physically and spiritually speaking.
Thoughts on Christianity Shared with my YouTube Subscribers
Eight weeks ago, I shared thoughts on Christianity with a few of my YouTube subscribers. This is a good starting point for sharing what led me to Spiritual Psychosis.
I will share much of what I wrote over the next four episodes, before diving into deeper spiritual enquiries.
Today I will share some words that I shared with my subscriber John, with regards to Charlie Kirk and my views on Christianity (this was a few days after Charlie Kirk’s Memorial Service).
Please know that the topics I present will be a bit random and all over the place. That’s OK. I will allow this season’s podcast episodes to be perfectly imperfect. There doesn’t always have to be a rhyme and a reason for everything. I will allow my thoughts to flow, as they did.
Messages to John:
He was one heck of a smart guy, that’s for sure! Yeah, I don’t agree with everything either. I have softened my stance on a lot of religious views, though. I have gone back and forth about topics such as abortion. I even think that men leading in a marriage can be a beautiful thing, but only in the way that Erica described it.
I still stand by the views that I debated with my Christian friend a few years ago, though. I don’t think that most men are holy enough to take the responsibility of being solely in charge and of being good, selfless leaders. I also don’t think that everything needs to be the man’s decision.
If the woman knows better, don’t be proud and let her lead the way at times. It shouldn’t be point scoring. Just work together to find the best solutions and do what feels like the right thing to do for both parties.
Where abortions are concerned, I’m not a fan of them. But I know that not everything is so black and white! If we were to abstain from sex until we find the right person, that would be ideal. If people lived in good, healthy environments where they could afford to raise an unplanned child, that would be ideal. But we don’t live in an ideal world!
All we can do is live the best way we personally can. The world will be a better place when we do that. We shouldn’t judge others for their decisions in life. Yes, bad decisions can have bad consequences. But it’s not our job to tell others what we think they are doing wrong, I don’t think.
Yes, sometimes you need to speak up honestly and fight for what’s right. But it’s a fine line. Too often, giving unsolicited advice is judgment masked as love and wisdom. Luke 6:41-42 (First time I have ever quoted a bible verse!) New International Version 41:
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye”.
We should practice not judging others, or notice within ourselves (without judging) when we are being judgmental (I know I am guilty of that!) The best way to encourage a more loving world is to lead by example. Those are just my two cents’ worth; people can disagree all they like. I know that many feel called to preach the gospel, but I myself, and many others, feel allergic to that. As more often than not, it comes across as very self-righteous.
Even if I don’t subscribe to every word written in the bible, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have the right to read it. Or that I never have the right to call myself a Christian if I feel in my heart that it is true. I choose to read it with an open mind and heart. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t (or interpret it differently).
I do believe that it can be a guiding light. It’s just the fear-based teachings that I don’t believe in, because I don’t and never will see God as condemning. That’s not the unconditionally loving God that I believe in and want to draw close to.
Many Christians will think that what I am saying is untrue or dangerous, or that it’s the devil being deceptive. That’s OK. We don’t all have to agree with each other and see eye to eye. Freedom of speech. That’s what Charlie stood for!
Going back to the “Men lead, women follow” belief. I have read a Christian say that a woman isn’t obligated to follow her husband’s lead if he isn’t doing right by God, so that’s good if many believe that. I do believe that there are good men who could make good loving leaders, and their wives can fully trust their lead because they know that he has their and their children’s best interest at heart (if they choose to have any), and that they are both on the same page on important matters.
It’s essential to get clear on how you want to raise your children, etc, BEFORE getting married to ensure you’re on the same page. It would be wise for couples to discuss anything and everything before getting married so that there won’t be any big surprises later down the road (provided that they are who they say they are and who they appear to be).
This should be the case regardless of whether the man leads or they agree to make decisions together. For men who lead, the good ones will take their wives’ wisdom and views into consideration before making important decisions. It would be great if these men believed and acknowledged that their wives are also capable of making wise decisions, regardless of whether or not they have the final say.
There shouldn’t be (in my opinion) a belief that a woman is helpless and incapable of making good, wise decisions without her man. I wouldn’t be opposed to following a good man’s lead (often, but not always, unless he always makes decisions that sit right by me). If women go down that path, they need to be very discerning about the kind of man they choose to marry.
Not all Christian marriages are made the same! Marriages like Charlie and Erica’s are rare. Where the man “Loves his wife like Christ loved the Church” and where a man’s intentions are good, and he aims to serve her (and vice versa). Anyway, I’m just thinking out loud. I may turn these thoughts/beliefs into videos one day. But doing so may equal a lot of noise and judgment from others. I can’t be bothered with that right now. If I ever feel led to, I may still speak up about these types of matters, though.
That’s all I will share regarding Christianity in today’s podcast episode. In my next few episodes, I will share what I wrote to my Subscriber, Piyush. I later deleted all of these posts as they were way too lengthy to keep as video comments!
I am sharing these thoughts, as they played a small part in me eventually ending up in the hospital for spiritual psychosis.
Thank you for listening. I look forward to sharing more in my next podcast episode.
Stay Nobel,
Heidi Nobel
