Welcome to the Nobel Soul Podcast,
Today I will read a testimony about my spiritual life journey to date. I wrote this in the middle of October, and planned on reading it in a beautiful church. Perhaps I still will one day.
My Journey Back Home to God
My name is Heidi Nobel. Thank you all for being here and a special thank you to my sisters, Iris and Rosa, and my late mother’s best friend Cecile, for being here.
The last time we were in St Matthews church together was four and a half years ago, when we said “Goodbye for now” to our beautiful late mother Katie.
I believe that her and dad are watching me from across the veil, with proud smiles on their faces. I thank and honour them, for bringing me into the world 39 years ago, and for being the strongest, most loving parents anyone could wish to have.
It feels a lot brighter, and warmer in this church today than it did four and a half years ago. I recently sang here with my choir group, Fours Company. It was a powerful experience. I felt Gods life force joyfully ringing through my body as we sang our hearts out!
The following day, I felt inspired to write down my spiritual life journey to date. I offered to read it here in St Matthews. I am thankful that they said yes! It’s an honour to stand in this beautiful house of God to share my testimony with you all.
I am a Dutch woman who was born in the Netherlands. Life was challenging from an early age. I almost died at 2 weeks old. My parents took me to a spiritual healer in Belgium. She told them that my life was hanging by a golden thread, and it was my Will that kept me alive. I had 3 other traumatic brain injuries between the ages of 2 and 5.
When I was 2, almost 3, I moved to New Zealand with my parents and my three older siblings. We had planned for a cleaner, greener future, but sadly, my father lost his life when I was 4 years old, in a motorbike accident.
I couldn’t handle it when my mother wanted to share nice stories about him. I closed my ears and sang loudly to drown her out. The pain I felt manifested into agonising earaches. My mother did an incredible job of healing and nurturing me back to health.
I remember a moment when I felt like I had an “empty snake” in my stomach. I felt ashamed of this feeling, and I kept this hidden until one day I emotionally exploded. I burst into tears and ran to my mother, confessing my lonely dark secret. She cried, understanding that that feeling was grief.
Growing up, I struggled with grief, chronic fatigue, anxiety, insomnia and depression. I felt like a walking zombie. As though I had been cursed. Mum took me to spiritual healers. This was comforting. But the true healing was a very slow, unravelling process.
I studied and worked in a soul-destroying job. Every day was a struggle. I was surviving but not thriving, out of sheer willpower.
Transitional Period
When I was 30, I attended a yoga teacher training course. This was very healing and therapeutic for me. I cried a lot on my mat.
During the course, I started to notice that the clouds in my mind were shifting. I began to experience glimpses of peace and lightness for the first time.
At 34, I lost my mother to cancer. She was my rock and my world. I shared everything with her. Intuitively, I have always been someone who has felt the need to confess my sins to free myself from my conscience and help me feel lighter. The problem was that I was throwing all of my burdens to her, rather than going to God about the mental issues I was grappling with.
After mum died, I tried to fabricate some joy into my life by getting into new hobbies such as hula hooping, roller-skating and playing the guitar. This was therapeutic for me, but I still wasn’t feeling any real joy, life or lightness (I wrote a song about this called “Home”. In it, I share how lost and lonely I used to feel while living in Wellington on my own. But slowly I started to feel more hopeful thanks to “finding hobbies that helped me, feel what it means to be happy”).
My Conservative Christian Friend
The year after I lost my mother to cancer, I handsome Christian man from the US discovered me on YouTube.
There was an immediate spiritual pull towards this man. We shared many deep and meaningful discussions about our beliefs. This was beautiful, but it was also very painful for me because I debated with him on some big topics. On the one hand, I felt drawn to Christianity (this has been throughout my life, not just after meeting this man), but on the other hand, there were things that made me feel like I would never fit into the Christian club.
I wanted to! But by doing so, I felt like I would be a butterfly who chopped off her wings. Like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.
Two years ago, I wrote a poem called “I had to say goodbye to you, in order to release the blues”. In it, I share our story, which to me was a battle of faith, heartbreak and inner turmoil. But it was also about unconditional love and gratitude for having met this man.
Meeting and saying goodbye to this Christian man (more than once) burnt me, but this was needed to help me burn off layers of pain and ego.
One year ago, on this day, you found me on YouTube, said g’day
A handsome man with a beautiful smile
It wasn’t long before I was awestruck, spell bound
You told me the kind of things, I always hoped to hear
It wasn’t long before I felt inspired to push through my fears
You were a Christian man, wanting to find his Christian wife.
Boy oh boy, did that bring up some inner strife!
“I’m a good girl!” I cried, “Can’t you see how hard I try!?”
I live as well as any Christian does
Yet somehow am undeserving of his love?
I do not believe that for one bit, but in a church, I would not fit.
I’ll always believe that my ma and pa, are shining in the stars above!
Not burning in some deep and endless pit!
It’s a shame that that’s how Tyler saw it.
On Christmas Day, I wore a cross for you
But I didn’t hear a thing; it made me feel so blue!
“Merry Christmas!” you said the next day,
“I’m sorry, but I have to go away!”
“I met a Catholic girl who is oh so sweet”
“I wish to pursue her. Sweep her off her feet!
Please don’t think that I’m throwing you aside
It’s not like that, but we can’t continue this ride.
I can’t imagine never speaking to you again.
I’ll pray about it, but for now, this is the plan!
I was shocked, I didn’t see it coming!
I didn’t know if I should stand still, or if I should be running!
At first, I went for a bike ride
Then I wanted to run and hide.
I did what felt like the right thing to do,
Pulled out my guitar, and I sang this song for you:
(Song)
Despite all the drama (mostly on my end)
I do still believe that in you, I had a friend.
I just wasn’t the right woman for you
Nor are you the man to whom I want to say “I do”
I wish that we had sung more sweet melodies
Instead of so much of our time, feeling like a tragedy
But that’s not where true inner growth lies
Sometimes darkness is needed
Before we can truly fly.
It’s true what they say
That “This too shall pass”
Even if it feels like the darkness will always last.
In all of us, there shines an inner light
We are destined to a future that shines ever bright!
I am thankful that I met my Christian friend
Even though things eventually came to an end
I know in my heart that he is a good man
I thank him for showing me who I really am.
Maybe one day we’ll meet again
If not on earth, then in heaven to say “Hey!
I told you you’d find us all here!
Come on, dance with me, let us celebrate and cheer!
This is just one chapter of my book
The next one has a more optimistic outlook.
The Son finally shines his loving rays on me saying:
“Hey, you are loved, and you always will be!”
I Had to Die, To Be Rebuilt
After healing from the most emotionally and mentally challenging period of my life, I was ready to face the most physically demanding period of my life. This mentally, physically and spiritually broke me, but it also gave birth to new life!
It all started with a sore neck, which got progressively worse despite my trying to fix and heal it myself via do-it-yourself physio and sound healing videos. After a while, I couldn’t turn my neck or lie in a single comfortable position. I believe that my nerve was pinched; ice made it burn more, and no pain relief medication had any effect.
The stabbing pain and heat in my neck were intense. I finally reached a point where I asked myself what would happen if I allowed myself to soften into and surrender to the pain. Would I be able to withstand it?
A vision of my bones appeared in my mind’s eyes with the understanding that my scoliosis would heal, and my spine would be straightened.
I surrendered and endured several hours of intense stabbing and sweating in my neck. With every breath I exhaled, I allowed myself to soften through the pain, and as I did so, the pain intensified more and more.
Eventually, my neck started swinging side to side and a powerful life force energy took over, restructuring first my entire spine and then my legs shook like crazy. I lost the connection when I finally paused for water and a toilet break. Unfortunately, this broke the energetic connection.
Despite my exhaustion, I couldn’t fall asleep, so I went and lay on the floor in the living room. “God, I can’t do this anymore!” I said. With that, my legs began to shake once more. The next physically intensive episode lasted for most of the day. All I could do was surrender and trust in this higher power. The only thing I could do to assist with the physical and energetic healing was breathe deeply and let go.
We worked through all my chakra points. My cat was even possessed by the power of the Holy Spirit! His eyes were dilated. He charged at different points in my body after each exhale. Back and forth, my arms and body twisted and contorted. I also worked through all of my emotions, one at a time!
This was a full-body healing. From bones to muscles, to the eventual spiritual sewing of my skin. It lasted for a period of around 7 or 8 days. There were both scary periods, where I felt like I was being possessed by or deceived by the devil, but there were also incredible experiences, where I was being blessed (physically), healed and restored by who I believe to be none other than Jesus Christ!
Rewinding back to about day 3. My sisters tried to support me by visiting me during one of the darkest, scariest times. They tried to bring light, positive energy into the room by opening the windows and using sage. We listened to beautiful spiritual music. They were physically supporting me by holding my feet and stabilising my head, which felt like it was hanging on to my neck by a thread.
My sister is a masseuse. She saw that I needed to see a physio, but I didn’t have the strength yet. I agreed to see a doctor and a physio once I had some sleep.
Eventually, I fell asleep while lying on my back in front of the fireplace. A cross lay on my heart for protection. A few hours later, I was awoken by my hand grabbing the cross. I felt nervous about surrendering to this power again, which wouldn’t let me rest. I wasn’t sure if I was being deceived by negative entities.
Despite my hesitation, I put my faith in Jesus and willingly surrendered, allowing my head to once again, swing side to side and my body to contort this way and that.
That same morning, I held my own exorcism (or so I believed) by using the cross as a sword. In the afternoon, once things had settled down, my sister cleaned my kitchen and filled my fridge with food. I was not in a position to look after myself where showering or food was concerned.
She eventually saw me lying on the floor. The exorcism was finally over. I was feeling positively uplifted, like I was born again! I was still making light muscle adjustments, and I told her that she better not watch, as it may look a bit creepy! She was worried and said, “Heidi, this has to stop!” “No Iris!” I said with determination and conviction: “This will go on for as long as Jesus says it has to go on for!” I firmly asked her to leave.
After several more intense days and nights of no sleep, being blessed by the Cross many times and experiencing the most precise physiotherapy I will ever experience in my life, I reached, what felt like, the peak of my exhaustion, yet my greatest challenge was still to come. I had to assist Jesus with one final risky procedure; that was, transfering fresh blood into a new artery. (Although I believe that many of my spiritual experiences were real, I do acknowledge that I was also in a state of psychosis).
I was required to inhale and exhale with excruciatingly slow precision (like I was breathing slowly through a straw, but in my mind’s eye, I was slowly breathing blood into a new artery). The timing of each inhale and exhale, I believed, was given by Jesus; however, I do recall seeing a sinister-looking black hand doing the conducting near the end of this “procedure”).
As if this wasn’t challenging enough, I also had to retain my breath at the end of each slow inhale and exhale, for however long I was told to. I almost passed out, and I felt like this “operation” darn near killed me!
Once I could finally breathe again, something was wrong. It seemed as though Jesus was in shock. So was my mother, who was watching down from heaven. I was told that I was leaking blood internally. My 13 angels had tried to help me, but nothing could be done. I only had one hour left to live!
“How could you do this to me!?” I firmly said to Jesus, “You know I needed to sleep! How could you have me assist with such a risky operation!?”
I asked what I should do, if I should call an ambulance or my sisters. At first, I was told “No”. “What do you expect me to do, just lie here and die!?” I panicked.
Thankfully, I was permitted to call my sister, who called the ambulance. My two sisters stayed with me in the hospital for another long, grueling night. We had hoped that I would get a bed and that I would be drugged to sleep. My body was so heavy, I could barely walk. I was beyond exhaustion. I craved a bed to sleep in, but instead, I lay on the floor all night, waiting for a doctor and a psychologist to finally speak to me between the hours of 6 and 7 am.
Clearly, psychosis led me to the hospital. Even so, I cannot bring myself to say that it was purely psychosis. What I experienced was far too physically intensive to merely be ticked off as a medical condition. To me, it felt like I was in a spiritual battle of Good vs Evil.
A week or two after my spiritual psychosis, I visited a physiotherapist. She told me, “Something good must have come from it, because your spine is now straight!” (Praise the Lord!)
My sister and I were recently talking about whether any of my spiritual experiences were real. She told me that she struggled to see how anything that happened was good for me; she saw how unwell I was! I told her, “I understand your perspective. Yes, the life was completely sucked out of me. But good things have happened since that day. Sometimes we need to die to our old selves to be reborn!”
The Start of My New Life
3 months after my ordeal, I was amazingly cast in the Musical: “Little Miss Sunshine” (amazingly, I emailed the theatre ONE DAY before the auditions that I knew nothing about!) This show was the light at the end of the tunnel.
Little Miss Sunshine was the first time that I discovered the importance of connecting with the Community. This is something I always wanted, and yet I spent my life up until this point feeling like an outsider looking in.
Perhaps for the first time in my life, I felt joy and love! There were two scenes where I had to be stern with my son. During rehearsals, I laughed every single time. I just had these spontaneous, uncontrollable fits of laughter. Everything was just so joyful and funny! I worried that I may not be able to be serious come show time, but I dug deep and thankfully pulled it off!
I still have been struggling with fatigue and insomnia, but there was another miracle that happened a few months ago.
I visited the mental health hospital to talk about my chronic fatigue and to get some medication to help me sleep. It had been over a year since I saw them, so I was no longer signed up as a patient. I was almost sent off to visit my personal GP (who I have yet to meet!), but amazingly, the lovely mental health doctor I met a year ago walked into the reception area at the perfect time. She said that she recognised my voice! She offered to see me personally at her new clinic!
When I met her, I told her that I had just started taking iron and B12 to hopefully help me with my chronic fatigue. She herself had struggled with it. She has to get a B12 shot to maintain her energy levels every month. This, to me, confirmed that I was on the right track!
She immediately sent me off to get my blood tested. I’m about to get my second B12 injection thanks to her, and she will also prescribe me some melatonin to help me get back into a healthy sleeping rhythm.
I told my sister that I could either brush off this whole experience as psychosis, or I could believe that “Jesus Saved Me” - A much more empowering thought! I am always open to finding out the whole truth, but that may have to wait until I cross over.
It may well be that all of the mental stories I told myself were delusions, but the physical work was real. It felt like the best physiotherapy I had ever had, bones were cracked and released, muscles were twisted and strengthened! My temple was cleansed and rebuilt in order that I may house and, little by little, grow in the love of Christ. That is what I believe.
Remember the sad, empty snake that I felt in my belly when I was 4 years old? That emptiness is now filled with God’s loving light. The seed has been planted. I have started to feel it, energetically vibrating within me. I’m finally coming back to the love, to the light, and to the life! 💡✝💛
What Is My Faith Now?
I believe that we are all children of God, Christian or not. I have always believed in Jesus, but I never called myself a Christian due to my spiritual upbringing.
I felt inspired to order the New Testament while watching Charlie Kirk’s funeral service. With it, I received four booklets. Three were called: “Basic Elements of the Christian Life” by Witness Lee & Watchman Nee, and The Economy of God by Witness Lee.
Hallelujah! These books were very enlightening. They affirmed my spiritual belief that connecting with God is an inside job, and they helped me understand biblical teachings in a clearer, deeper way.
I consider myself to be a bit of a spiritual Christian hippy. I enjoy earthing, that is, walking barefoot on the grass to reconnect with and be recharged by Mother Nature. I believe in the power of meditation, chanting and yoga. Along with other healing practices such as EFT and Breathwork.
I may not believe in eternal damnation, but I do believe that Christ is our Lord and Saviour. We have the opportunity to awaken to his loving, healing power and taste a life that is happier, healthier, and more meaningful than we ever dreamed possible. Or, we can live a regular worldly life, where we feel spiritually drained and are surviving, rather than thriving.
I believe that we still have the opportunity to be purified and saved by him, even after death, regardless of our religious or spiritual beliefs (it’s OK if the majority of you disagree with me!), but what a waste of a life that would be, if we don’t accept the sacrificial gift he gave to us in this life time. If we don’t allow him into our hearts and awaken to his transformational and healing power! Every day, we have the opportunity to switch our focus back to God, who will always welcome us back home with unconditionally loving arms.
Every journey is unique. I trust that whatever positively lights up my inner flame is good for me. I do not yet feel lit up by reading the bible. Maybe one day. For now, I will learn about Christ via movies and via Church services, and I will connect with him via prayer.
Whatever path I take, I feel happy to call myself a spiritual Christian. Hopefully, you will welcome me to your church family as I am, even if I appreciate crystals, sound healing and sage (Don’t worry, I draw the line at ouija boards!)
Thank you, Christ, for your blessings. I look forward to growing in faith with you!
