For years, I was very good at keeping things moving.
I worked. I cared for people. I handled what needed handling. And somewhere along the way, I stopped asking what all that responsibility was costing me.
If you’re an over-functioning woman, especially one of my fellow Black women, you may recognize that pattern. People praise your strength while rarely asking whether you have enough support.
You learn to move through disappointment without pausing. You carry heartache into the next workday. You get called “resilient” before you’ve had a chance to acknowledge what hurt.
But being able to keep going doesn’t mean you’ve had space to heal.
That was one of the themes that stayed with me after my conversation with Eyum Ejiga, a Grief-Informed Speaker & Coach, on the Self Care Oasis Podcast. We talked about grief, resilience, and processing pain—not as abstract ideas, but as experiences that change how we understand ourselves and what we need.
Grief Isn’t Always About a Funeral
Sometimes grief is about a person you’ve lost. Other times, it’s about a future you expected to have.
It can be the relationship you thought would last, the opportunity that never materialized, or the realization that a life you worked hard to build no longer fits.
You can grieve lost time. You can grieve your freedom. You can grieve the version of yourself who had more energy, more options, or a different picture of how things would unfold.
During our conversation, Eyum shared her experience of caring for and eventually losing her beloved daughter. She spoke about the layers of loss along that journey, including changes to her expectations of motherhood and her sense of personal freedom.
Her story reminded me that grief doesn’t always arrive as one clear event. Sometimes there are losses within losses, each deserving its own acknowledgment.
You don’t have to compare your loss to someone else’s before you’re allowed to feel it.
What Happens When We Keep Pushing Through?
Many of us were taught how to be useful, dependable, and strong. We weren’t necessarily taught how to sit with pain or ask someone to sit beside us.
So we stay busy. We tell ourselves other people have it worse. We promise we’ll rest once everything settles down.
Meanwhile, exhaustion, irritability, or difficulty concentrating can become part of everyday life.
Burnout and grief aren’t the same thing, and burnout has many causes. But they can overlap. When you’re carrying loss alongside relentless responsibility, pushing harder may leave you with even less room to recover.
The question isn’t always, “How can I handle more?”
Sometimes it’s, “What am I carrying that I haven’t had space to acknowledge?”
Resilience Needs Room to Pause
I’m interested in a definition of resilience that includes support, boundaries, and rest; not just endurance.
Being resilient doesn’t mean nothing affects you. It doesn’t require you to turn every painful experience into a lesson before you’ve even caught your breath.
Eyum’s PAUSE framework offers a way to slow down:
* Pay attention to what your body is telling you.
* Allow yourself space to process.
* Understand what you need.
* Set time and boundaries.
* Engage with what matters.
What I appreciate about this approach is that it begins with attention rather than another demand.
Before you decide what comes next, you get to notice where you are.
Processing Pain Is Part of Self-Devotion
Giving yourself permission to grieve doesn’t mean you’ll feel better immediately. It means you can stop pretending you’re unaffected.
You can name what hurts. You can admit that your needs have changed. You can ask for help without presenting a perfectly organized explanation first.
That support might look like therapy, a grief support group, a conversation with someone you trust, or fewer responsibilities for a while.
And yes, it may mean setting a boundary that disappoints someone.
Your need for care does not become less important because someone else prefers you available.
Self-devotion means making room for your actual experience, not only the version of you who can keep everything running.
A Moment to Check In With Yourself
Before you move on to the next task, ask yourself:
* What loss have I been minimizing?
* Where am I performing strength when I need support?
* What would make this week feel more supported?
You don’t have to answer everything today. Start with one honest sentence:
“Something I haven’t given myself permission to grieve is…”
Let that be a beginning, not another assignment you have to complete correctly.
If you’d like support looking at your capacity, boundaries, and daily patterns, take my Self-Devotion Lifestyle Audit or book a session with me.
You deserve a life with room for your needs—not just your responsibilities.
Resources Mentioned
* Books by Eyum Ejiga (all available on Amazon):
* Finding a Way Forward After Loss (includes a workbook for processing grief)
* Mama Grace
* He Gave Me Comfort
* My Pain Your Gain Ministries and Grace Miracle Foundation - Eyum Ejiga’s charity initiatives
* Eyum Ejiga: Find her at ee-bridging-solutions.co.uk
* Samantha Gregory: Self-Devotion Lifestyle Audit and coaching
Question of the Day…
What would change if you gave yourself permission to be supported, instead of always being the strong one? Share you answers in the comments.
Read this next…
Check out this podcast episode…
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