Hello, and welcome to Volume 44 of the Underground Binder Clip Society.
About a month ago my buddy Trent asked me if I wanted to ride with him to St. Louis for a work trip he’d be going on. He was riding solo if I said no, and we had never roadtripped together before, so I told him I was down. I had already been solidifying some DIY shows for an upcoming solo tour and St. Louis was (for some reason) on my short list. Some friends in the scene passed along a few contacts and I was able to get a show setup fairly quickly for the night we would be in town.
We rolled into town late Tuesday night and Trent was up and out the door by 7 AM the next morning to get to his job site. He got back around 5 and I watched him input data for awhile, and talk to his co-worker as she helped him log gas and hotel receipts. Then we drove the extra hour into St. Louis, which I had only learned in the car ride up would be how far we were actually staying from St. Louis. All the while, I met a few new friends, played some new songs to a not-so-locked-in bar crowd, and ate a mediocre $14 chicken parm panini. The glow of the signage from the Anheuser Busch plant lit our path back out of town that night. We passed a few parked bikers as they admired the gateway arch, and tried to admire it ourselves from inside the car. It was a short 4 hours in STL. A long morning of existential dread in Farmington.
This is not the “going on a solo tour” I was dreaming of. I applaud my 30 and 40-something year old DIY veterans doing similar things.
This is
Living and learning. Using what i’ve got. Being a friend, and having one. Free room and board. The cold side of a hotel pillow. $80 cash, and no bandmates to pay.…
Trent did all the driving the whole trip. He didn’t want to get in trouble if I wrecked the rental car that the school was paying for. A neon green Hyundai Kona. I asked for the next day off at work because I knew we probably wouldn’t make it back in time for my 11AM shift. There was talk of driving back into St. Louis for the day to adventure, but I think we were both ready to be home. We got Chick-Fil-A breakfast and ended up skating a ditch in town the morning after the gig. That was fun and spontaneous. We hit a few thrift stores and should’ve gotten lunch before hitting the road, but we didn’t, and so we were hungry.
I got to thinking on the way home about how’d id basically taken the week off from work. I am grateful for the flexibility working part-time gives me. I’m working about three days a week at the moment. Part-time at a vintage store, a retail store and running sound at a church. I don’t budget really. I try not to spend frivolously. I don’t have a girlfriend. I keep to myself and to my little projects. I live quite comfortably paycheck to paycheck.
I don’t plan on being broke and single forever. But how do you plan against that?
I told Trent in the car how I haven’t had a girlfriend lasting more than a couple months in over 6 years. I told him I didn’t mind it because it just meant that I know what I am looking for, and that I haven’t found it yet. Do you ever feel yourself convincing yourself of whats coming out of your own mouth? Do you ever listen back to what you’ve just said and think “do I really believe that?” I guess thinking out loud is better than not thinking at all. It’s a privilege to have friends that I feel comfortable sorting things out loud with. People I can say stuff in front of that’s just dead wrong and then they let me take it back. Trent is one of those friends.
But I do think it’s true, that when you learn what you’re made for, you also learn how you might have to wait a very long time to find it. It is a joke and a quite painful dissonance to not know the difference between need and want. In competition with one another, a need which loses to an ever-more-strong want will not satisfy the true need. And so then, dissonance is amplified. We are left thinkingthat we have fed our most true self, when really, we don’t know our true self at all.
I’ve been told before that I “like to keep a girl in my life.” I was told this by female friends of mine. What they meant by it I still don’t fully know, but I decided to take it as a compliment. I sure as hell don’t believe in being alone. And hanging out with dudes one on one can be quite excruciating. The whole “girls brains develop faster than boys” thing is really showing in my early 20’s. I’ve been fighting hard to find people to hang out with who I know are smarter than me. Girls have always seemed to be able to empathize with how much of an emotionally-charged over-thinker I am. I’ve got a new song called “Born Crying” thats about how I cried a lot as a kid and through my teenage years even. How I’ve always been in need of affection and affirmation.
Guys are not always so great at bending a knee to emotional needs. I am lucky enough though to have a few good guy friends. Trent, our fearless leader in the voyage to Missouri, is a most-empathetic friend. He is always reading and writing and sorting out whats in his mind with conviction. I try and do these things as well, and so we relate. I am grateful for his witness in my life, and for the brother he is. When you meet people like this, and they stick around for awhile, it raises your bar on what friendship is supposed to look like. It teaches you what you deserve. It helps you steer clear of people who don’t deserve you and your one true beating heart. These people remind us to carry on. To do our thing. To not wave our white flag. They sustain us. Remind us to keep waiting for the true good that we have not too long ago tasted and seen.
…
My compass is tuned. I need not wander off too far. My path feels not quite safe, but not worthy of crying for help. I’ll stay the course. Walk loosely in the same direction as I’ve been walking for awhile now. Try and take deep breathes. Put one foot in front of the other. Prepare for the best. Call home more. Lean into my gifts.
It’s good to be out of the house.
Lord,
Guide my steps. Tell me something true. Set my course. Let my bets hit. Or tear me down slow.
Good grief.
I love you, and help me love you more.
Ain’t it something,
going to bed,
and waking up.
Yours Truly,
Jake Smith
Here are this week’s “Quick Clips”:
* My new song “Rug” is out this Friday on all platforms! You can follow me on your streaming platform of choice by clicking here.
* I have attached below a demo for aforementioned song “Born Crying.”
* I am playing a few solo shows next month !
* Would love to see you at one of these if you are close by!
* Knoxville, TN - 6/13 @ Pink Moon Sound
* Columbia, SC - 6/14 @ Curiosity Coffee Bar
* Dawsonville, GA - 6/21 @ Because Coffee
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As always, shoot me an email if you want to work on music, remote or in-person, here in Nashville, TN.
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