I really hate it when some says I’m resilient..
It’s meant as a compliment I know, but I have real trouble allowing it to compute.
You see, I don’t want to be resilient, I don’t want it to be my identity or what I’m known for. I don’t want the badge of honour from struggle.
Because, what choice do you have? What choice do any of us have?
When situations and life hits you.. you don’t choose resilience.. you choose survival and resilience is an outcome. If we we were in a work situation our key performance indicator of life and struggle would be resilience..
Resilience is a measurement of how shitty, how difficult, how emotional a time we’ve had and how we’ve bounced back.
When I help teenagers with emotions and behaviours I explain resilience like this-
Think of life like a river.. sometimes the river is peaceful and calm and the sun is shining on your face. Sometimes the river is fast flowing and powerful and the rain is falling..
All of us fall into this river from the safety of our boats and least once on our lifetime, ( for some we fall in, many many times..)
How resilient we are, is how quickly we can get back into our boats and continue to paddle forwards.
We’re not measured by the luxury of our boats or the fact that our river is in an exotic place. Our river is our own. In this lifetime what we have to learn may require sunnier, calmer waters.. or.. we could use the lessons from the storms. But the lesson is in the recovery not as much as the endurance.
That is why I struggle with being applauded for resilience.. yes I might have learned tools to increase my bounce back ability.. but I don’t choose to. Sometimes I can reflect that what I thought was falling in the river was more of a steam.. some falls don’t hit us as deep.. but some leave us floating for a long time.
I procrastinated, treaded water on my life, consumed by the fall for many years. It can become very normal to hold onto the life buoy. Hoping, waiting to see if anyone will show up to rescue me.
I had a conversation with an amazing women this week who explained that her vices were actually the least of her worries from what she’d been through in the last few years. Which helped me remember the treading water, is in itself a needed recovery point.
A time you decide to survive and live. A time to catch your breathe, conserve energy, note what direction you want to steer your boat next.. but whilst this is happening you never consider how resilient you are, just what you need to do next to continue in your quest to get back to where you were.
I heard a word this week that embodies just this-
This word is Sonder - it means that everyone you pass has a life as complex and beautiful as yours. Difficulties and concerns. Our specific set of circumstances and situations could look different, but the complex emotions and understandings are universally human. It helps us see that we are all connected.
we all struggle and strive,
we feel and experience,
We fall and then rebuild
We shed identities and build new lives
We process and promise anew.
The in between and the journey from becoming to being, can be messy and uncomfortable. You can celebrate your survival, without attaching to it. Dream for more and appreciate how far you’ve come.
To sonder is a reminder that we are all at different points of our rectifying and wondering. Different points of getting back into the boat.
Today we may be on a river cruise.. tomorrow we thrown in and treading water.. maybe sonder is a reminder to be compassionate to yourself and others in where we are at. Taking what we need to honour our time.
We’re not behind.. just in sonder.
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