Leaving a toxic relationship can be extremely difficult, especially when you blame yourself.
I do blame myself, and not just because my mother told me I had ‘made my bed, so now I had to lie in it.’ I accept that I am responsible for my life and the decisions I make. That’s what happens when you are an adult. You become responsible.
So, I didn’t leave for a long time. Even then, my ex made the final decision. Not me. I lived on autopilot, robotic and unemotional, just to get through each day.
Living on autopilot during times of stress is a way of coping with pressure. I numbed myself and made myself as small as possible. I became a little mouse, hiding in the corner.
I am not a mouse anymore. I am a lioness. I intend to stay that way.
Now I am strong
Every year, I feel myself getting stronger and more confident. Not in huge ways, but huge all the same. I am not going to leap out of a plane or climb El Capitan any time soon. Just in the way I live an intentional life.
Now, another new year has begun. Not with a loud, dramatic flourish, but quietly, gently, one ordinary day at a time.
And that’s often how confidence grows. It’s not always through big declarations or bold resolutions, but through small, conscious choices made in everyday moments.
Life on autopilot
Most of us live more of our lives on autopilot than we realise. We rush through our days, reacting rather than responding. We make quick decisions, jump to conclusions, and judge ourselves and others before we’ve paused to notice what’s happening.
If you consider everything your brain has to do in a day (mind-blowing), you can see why it defaults to the familiar whenever possible.
This isn’t a flaw. It’s human.
Our brains are designed to save energy, protect us, and rely on what we already know works:
* Taking the same route to work every day.
* Shopping at the same supermarket, with the same shopping list.
* Often taking the same holiday and even staying at the same hotel each year.
* Buying clothes in a style you know suits you.
* Eating at the same restaurant, even ordering the same meal.
It’s simple, and there’s nothing wrong with keeping things the same. But it can become too routine and slip into boredom. We start to wonder where the excitement went. Autopilot keeps us moving, but it also keeps us repeating. Over time, something subtle happens. We start to feel less in charge of our lives. We also risk stripping the joy from living.
How autopilot undermines confidence
To be a master of self-confidence, you don’t need to be loud or fearless. At its core, confidence is self-trust.
Our trust in ourselves grows when we see ourselves as noticing what is happening, pausing, and then choosing how to respond. There is a tiny gap between the moment you register an event and how you react to it. That gap is your chance to choose a response rather than react blindly.
When we live on autopilot, that gap narrows and disappears. We react before we’ve even caught up with ourselves.
Intention gives you the gap back
Living with intention doesn’t mean controlling life. It means bringing awareness back to the moment and allowing yourself to pause and respond rather than react.
It means being curious about life, knowing your values, and setting boundaries to protect them.
Each intentional choice, no matter how small, sends a powerful message to yourself:
I am present. I am listening. I can be trusted with my own life.
This is a quiet, consistent way to build strong self-confidence.
The Intention Pause
Once a day, notice a moment when you would normally react automatically.
This time, instead of doing what you always do, or choosing what you always choose, pause.
Pause for one breath. Then ask yourself:
What choice feels most aligned right now?
Maybe you:
* Don’t shout at your kids to be quiet.
* Don’t get mad because someone cut you up in traffic.
* Choose a different route to work.
* Eat your lunch in a different place.
* Have a black coffee instead of a latte.
* Look at the clouds instead of your phone.
* Call a friend instead of that brief text.
* Go to a different restaurant, in a different part of town.
That’s it. No pressure to get it “right”.Just the practice of noticing and choosing. Choosing to bring some intention back into your life. Noticing when you are mindlessly scrolling on your phone and asking yourself whether this is really the best use of your time.
When you are reaching for a second helping of pudding and asking yourself if you are really that hungry.
And if you are in a relationship that isn’t working, ask yourself whether this is really how you want your life to be. Like I should have done, but didn’t, for too long.
Reflection
* Where in my life do I tend to run on autopilot?
* What do my automatic reactions protect me from?
* How might confidence grow if I paused before responding?
* What is one small choice I can make more intentionally this week?
I would love to know how you are bringing more intention into your life. Hit reply or leave a comment.Much loveSue xx
