Self-compassion doesn’t come naturally to us, and there’s a good reason for it.
Humans are wired for survival. Unfortunately, your brain doesn’t care whether you’re happy; it cares whether you belong.
For our ancestors, belonging to a tribe meant safety. Food, protection, and survival depended on social acceptance. Groups thrived by cooperating, sharing resources, and looking out for one another. Compassion for others wasn’t just kind; it was essential.
Because a rejection came at a cost.
In harsh environments, being cast out of the group could mean death. A mistake, conflict, or perceived wrongdoing risked eviction. That threat shaped our nervous systems in powerful ways, and those systems still operate today.
This is why compassion for others is deeply human.And why compassion for ourselves is not instinctive.
Berating yourself is normal
Self-compassion, the practice of turning kindness inward, isn’t an evolutionary trait. It’s a learned skill.
Our brains evolved to keep us safe, not soothed. When we make a mistake or risk disapproval, the nervous system reacts as if something dangerous is happening. Fight, flight, or freeze often turns into self-attack.
Your inner critic believes criticism will prevent future mistakes.If you punish yourself enough, you won’t repeat it.If you stay acceptable, you won’t be rejected.
That strategy once made perfect sense because any mistake could cost you everything. But we no longer live in tribes where survival depends on approval. Your brain simply hasn’t caught up with that reality. So self-criticism isn’t a personal failing; it’s an outdated form of protection.
Learning self-compassion
This leaves us with a choice. We can continue letting the inner critic run the show, attacking ourselves every time we struggle, fall short, or consider something new.Or we can learn self-compassion.
Self-compassion isn’t weakness, nor is it indulgence. And it isn’t letting yourself off the hook. It’s emotional safety.
As adults, we are no longer dependent on constant approval to survive. We can tolerate discomfort, mistakes, and even rejection. When we recognise that self-attack is natural, something important shifts:
We stop beating ourselves up for beating ourselves up.
Thoughts like:
* Why am I like this?
* I should know better.
* What’s wrong with me?
begin to lose their grip.
Many of us learned early on that criticism keeps us in line, that being hard on ourselves is how we improve, stay acceptable, or avoid failure. But growth doesn’t require cruelty.
You won’t be evicted from the tribe for being imperfect.You won’t die if you’re judged, criticised, or misunderstood.And you don’t have to abandon yourself to become better.
Three ways to practise self-compassion
Awareness
That critical voice isn’t you. It’s a protective part of your brain reacting automatically. You didn’t choose the thought; it arrived on its own.
Notice it, then name it.“Oh, I am being harsh there.”
Then offer something warmer, the kind of response you’d give a dear friend.
Common humanity
Everyone struggles. Everyone makes mistakes. No one feels confident all the time.
Compassion is wired into us, which means support is available. You’re allowed to need help. You’re allowed to reach out.
Kindness
Self-compassion means treating yourself the way you would treat someone you care about.
If you’d speak gently to a friend, speak gently to yourself.If you’d offer them comfort, offer it to yourself, a hand on your heart, a pause, a breath.
Confidence isn’t built by never struggling.It’s built on knowing you won’t abandon yourself when you do.
This week isn’t about fixing your self-talk or becoming kinder overnight.It’s about noticing.
* Noticing how you speak to yourself.
* Noticing when pressure replaces understanding.
* Noticing where perfection is expected instead of progress.
From that place, something steadier begins to form, a confidence that doesn’t rely on pushing, proving, or punishing. Just presence.
Reflection
* How do I usually speak to myself when I struggle, make a mistake, or fall short?
* What do I believe would happen if I didn’t rely on harshness to grow or improve?
* What might it feel like to respond to myself with understanding, even briefly, the next time I find myself struggling?
If this resonates, I’m sharing a gentle 28-day self-compassion practice in Notes this month. 28 small daily reminders to notice, soften, and stay with yourself rather than push or punish yourself. Look out for those every day in Substack notes.
Until next weekMuch loveSue xx
