This post kicks off our June theme: self-trust. Learning to feel safe in your own decisions, feelings, and voice. It seems a natural follow-on to May’s theme of negative self-talk.
If you are looking to trust yourself more than you do, then I invite you to subscribe and maybe consider joining our Confidence Circle, where we explore confidence issues in depth.
One of the quietest effects of low confidence is self-distrust.
It’s a downward spiral: the more you distrust yourself, the lower your self-confidence drops.
When I was younger, social anxiety crippled me. I hated the thought of having to make conversation with people I didn’t know. Even talking to work colleagues was difficult outside the office.
Initially, I used alcohol as my crutch. It gave me the confidence to speak, or at least made me feel confident. Shortly after my first marriage ended, I was out with work colleagues and had quite a bit too much. I ended up falling and hitting my head. Four stitches and a concussion frightened me enough to decide to drastically curb my drinking.
That, of course, meant my crutch was gone. That’s when the social anxiety really hit me. The belief that I wasn’t interesting, which has haunted me for most of my life, kept me from trusting myself to speak.
I didn’t realise how disconnected I was from my own voice.
Self-distrust is often learned
Humans crave connection. Our ancestors formed groups to stay safe. That need for connection is built into our system.
So why do we stop trusting ourselves?
The answer lies in our experiences, particularly in childhood. We learned to distrust through:
* Being criticised and humiliated.
* Feeling emotionally unsafe.
* Being in a controlling relationship.
* Feeling we would be punished or rejected if we made any mistake.
* Constantly being told we were ‘too sensitive.’
* Staying quiet so as not to cause a confrontation.
When we live in an environment where love is conditional on behaving in the ‘right’ way, we start to lose trust in ourselves to do the right thing. We learn to be hyper-aware of others in order to ensure we behave in the ‘right’ way.
I can relate to and attach a story to each of these points. They didn’t just result in social anxiety; there was also people-pleasing, overthinking, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and difficulty making my own decisions.
Then there were also the abusive relationships and self-sabotage I put myself through.
No wonder I didn’t trust myself, I was rubbish at life.
Learning to trust myself
When you stop trusting yourself, life starts to feel unstable because you no longer feel emotionally safe in your own mind.
You feel the need to stay small, as you worry about getting things wrong.
Last month, I wrote about negative self-talk and the importance of becoming aware of your thoughts. Awareness is important, but it is only the beginning.
Over time, I learned that rebuilding self-trust was not about becoming fearless or never doubting myself again. It was about staying connected to myself when doubt arose.
It was about listening to my feelings rather than dismissing them.
It was about making small decisions without constantly asking other people what they thought.
It was about speaking even when my voice shook.
Most of all, it was about learning that I could make mistakes without abandoning myself in the process.
Self-trust is not built on perfection. It grows each time you keep a promise to yourself, honour a boundary, speak honestly, or take a small step despite uncertainty.
Today, I no longer need alcohol to feel comfortable in a room full of strangers. I no longer believe every conversation is a test I might fail.
There are still moments when I feel nervous or unsure. The difference is that I trust myself to handle them.
That is what self-trust really is.
Not certainty.
Not fearlessness.
Just the quiet confidence that whatever happens, you will stay on your own side.
This month, we will explore what it means to rebuild that relationship with yourself, one small step at a time.
Something to reflect on this week
* In which areas of your life do you trust yourself most? Where do you trust yourself least?
* When do you find yourself seeking reassurance or approval from others before making a decision?
* Can you recall any experiences that taught you to doubt your own thoughts, feelings, or instincts?
* If you trusted yourself a little more, what might you do differently?
Self-trust grows when you begin to treat your own voice as something worth listening to.
If you have any questions or need help, let me know.I am here for you.Much loveSue xx
