‘Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.’
That’s the expression, anyway.
My mother used to say that a lot, even though she talked to herself all the time. I talk to myself, both in my head and out loud. It’s not madness; it can be very motivating and calming. But it can also be our worst critic.
I have a habit of saying ‘That’s that done’ after each task, like a mental tick box. It wasn’t something I started on purpose. I like it, though, because it tells my brain I am moving forward and achieving things, small though they may be. That’s a good thing.
When I started my confidence-healing journey, I realised that the way we talk to ourselves matters. It matters because it can affect our self-esteem. Our brain relies on what we tell it. If we repeat the same story over and over, our subconscious believes it must be true. Otherwise, why would we keep saying that?
I used to tell myself I was not very clever. That has been my key limiting belief, the one that tells me I am not good enough. Of course, neither of these statements is a fact. They don’t even make sense when you write them out. I mean, good enough for who? Who decides that? Clever, measured against what standard?
Which is why journaling is such a great practice, by the way. When you take a thought out of your head and put it on paper, it reads differently from how it sounded in your head.
These days, I pay more attention to how I speak to myself and the words I use. The phrase ‘That’s that done’ has become a little mantra that confirms I am getting things done. Three words that have become very meaningful to my subconscious because I have repeated them so many times. I don’t know why I started saying it, but it has moved from being intentional to automatic.
Yesterday, I caught myself telling someone I am the ‘queen of procrastination.’ Maybe I do procrastinate at times, but I am not the queen of it. These are the types of phrases we need to watch out for, because one of the most automatic reactions we have is how we speak to ourselves.
And often, it happens so quickly that we don’t even realise it’s happening at all.
The voice we listen to the most
We can be our harshest critics at times. Those little remarks we make quietly like:
* You are so clumsy, you break everything (when you have only broken one cup all year)
* You never get anything right (when you make a small mistake)
* You will never find a decent partner (when you finally decide to get rid of the latest loser)
* Why are you even thinking about that? You know it won’t work out (when you haven’t even tried and have no proof it will fail)
For many people, this voice isn’t loud or cruel. It’s subtle and familiar, almost like background noise.
That’s why it has so much power.
Your brain is wired to keep you safe. The problem is that its protections are often outdated. In ancient times, recognising danger and avoiding risk was vital. Now, those same “safety alarms” often manifest as harsh self-talk when you step outside your comfort zone. Much of what your critic says is learned.
Later, as adults, those echoes mingle with criticism from bosses, colleagues, or even friends, and your brain stores them as “evidence” that you’re not capable. Then, every time you slip up, your critic retrieves the file and whispers: “See? I told you so.”
Furthermore, society pressures us to appear perfect, perform flawlessly, and never fail. No wonder the inner critic is so loud.
We can’t completely silence it, but we can change how we respond to it. That’s where the transformation begins.
Believing the inner critic erodes confidence
When each mistake turns into a personal criticism, and every effort we make is met with judgment, self-esteem drops and self-confidence erodes. We become scared to try because if it goes wrong, we feel bad, and self-attack is guaranteed.
Over time, this creates a lack of self-trust. You tell yourself you are not good enough without realising. You start to expect to be judged and criticised. So you hesitate, doubt yourself, and then hold back.
Intentional self-talk is not positive thinking
Living with intention doesn’t mean silencing the inner critic or replacing it with forced positivity. Intentional self-talk starts with awareness.
It’s pausing to notice when the critic is speaking to you. Once you become aware of it, you have detached from it. The words lose their power. You realise they are just words, and most of the time they are exaggerated and untrue.
Instead of reacting to the inner critic, you pause, just as I talked about in my post last week.
Then you ask yourself three important questions:
* Is this voice helping me right now?
* Would I speak this way to someone I care about?
* What would a kinder, steadier response sound like?
This is responding in a way that builds growth rather than holding you back.
Every time you notice the unkind thought, pause and ask these simple questions, you are sending a powerful message to your subconscious: I trust myself because I am human.
You don’t need to fight with your inner critic or think you can override it with positivity. You just stop letting it speak unchecked.
Reflection
* When does my inner critic show up most strongly?
* What tone does it use? Is it harsh, disappointed, or impatient?
* What happens when I pause rather than believe it immediately?
* How might my confidence change if my inner voice felt safer?
Confidence Matters News
I am thinking of holding a free workshop in February, and I would love to know what you would like me to cover.
If you have any questions or need help, let me know.Have a great week.Much loveSue xx
