This is the fourth post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfWeek 2 - It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned MyselfWeek 3 - You Don’t Need Anyone’s Permission to Respect Yourself
When I committed to rebuilding my confidence, I needed to confront the shame I carried.
My life felt like a mess. I was drinking too much, moving through unhealthy relationships, and making choices that left me feeling worse about myself. I carried an enormous amount of shame.
When you don’t believe you’re a good person, it’s hard to treat yourself with the kindness and respect you deserve.
I started a mirror exercise I learned from motivational speaker Lisa Nichols. Every morning, I looked at my reflection and spoke to myself with as much compassion as I could muster, as if talking to a dear friend. I repeated twenty-one sentences in total, divided into seven things I was proud of, seven I forgave myself for, and seven I would now commit to.
* 1. I am proud of myself for… seven things.
* 2. I forgive myself for…seven things.
* 3. I commit to… seven things.
I addressed myself by name each time while looking in the mirror. If I couldn’t think of anything new, I repeated things I had said before.
This exercise was really hard. At first, it was difficult to find things to be proud of. I started with small things. I am proud that I drank a glass of water this morning for my health. That was enough to begin.
The hardest part was forgiveness. I cried almost every time. But as I kept practising, something gradually began to soften.
The words became easier, and the tears turned to compassion. Then the day came when I looked in the mirror and simply said, ‘I love you.’
For nearly thirty years, I have told my reflection that I love her.
Looking back, I can see I was learning to recognise my worth, forgive my mistakes, and take responsibility for how I treated myself.
I stopped reminding myself to respect myself; I just did. It became who I am.
What changes with self-respect?
It becomes natural
As we have explored self-respect this month, I have mentioned using the question, “What would I do if I loved and respected myself?” as a guide.
With practice, you may find yourself asking the question less often. You begin making choices that reflect your self-respect without having to consciously remind yourself.
Saying no without overthinking
At first, you probably stumble over your words. Sometimes you mean to say no, but yes still slips out before you can stop it.
Then one day you can say no without any accompanying anguish or guilt. You may still feel uncomfortable sometimes, but the discomfort no longer automatically changes your decision.
You don’t need to prove you are kind
When self-respect becomes part of your identity, you no longer need to prove your goodness by constantly giving, helping or agreeing.
You can care about someone else’s happiness without making yourself responsible for it.
Some people won’t always understand the change in you, and that’s okay. You have learned to be comfortable with it.
Your relationship with yourself improves
Self-respect improves your relationship with yourself. You know you are not perfect. You still make mistakes, have bad days, and slip back into bad habits.
You can acknowledge a mistake, take responsibility, and move forward without attacking your character.
Perfection is never the goal. The aim is to accept yourself and care enough about yourself to treat yourself right.
Self-respect becomes something you return to, rather than something you have to earn anew.
Living in alignment
When you respect yourself, your decisions increasingly reflect what matters to you.
You become more aware of the people, activities and environments that support your wellbeing.
You might notice something unexpected, as I did. Life hasn’t necessarily become easier, but living it feels less like a struggle against yourself.
Self-respect and self-compassion
Just this week, I made a mistake. I added twice as much water as I should have to my bread pre-ferment. Not so long ago, I would have thrown it straight in the bin and started again, berating myself for making a stupid mistake and wasting flour.
I left it as it was. The next morning, I adjusted the water for the final dough and carried on. It turned out well. Very tasty, in fact.
I made a mistake, adjusted my approach, and carried on. I didn’t self-criticise, get frustrated, or question my ability to bake bread.
Nearly thirty years ago, when I stood in front of the mirror, I struggled to find even one thing to be proud of. I had to consciously remind myself to be kind and respectful to myself.
Today, I don’t even think about it.
The self-respect I once had to practise is now how I live.
Growth isn’t about never making mistakes or never struggling with life.
Growth is about not turning against ourselves when we do.
Where to next?
I have refreshed and updated my ‘About’ page this week. Take a look here: Link to About page
Do you have questions about self-respect? Leave a comment, reply to the email or DM me.Much loveSue xx
