Have you ever said something and then immediately felt the need to explain it?
Maybe you said no to a request, and you just couldn’t leave it at:
‘I am sorry, I am not free that day.’
You had to explain why you were not free, what you were doing instead, and why it was important, and then apologise profusely for not being free.
You softened, justified and added detail so that you could be sure it wouldn’t be taken the wrong way.
Almost as though you were asking for permission to say no.
And in a way, you were.
I needed permission
That was me.
I used to explain everything I said just to make sure it was okay.
Even with small things.
Saying no.Sharing an opinion.Making a simple request.
I couldn’t just say it, I had to explain all my thoughts and reasoning.
It wasn’t because it needed explaining; it was because I needed it to be understood.
And more than that, I needed it to be accepted.
I thought I was just being clear and that my explanation was helpful and considerate.
But looking back, I can see something different.
Over-explaining wasn’t about clarity.
It was about seeking permission.
Permission to:
* Say what I meant.
* Take up space.
* Not to be misunderstood.
* Not upset anyone.
And beneath it all was a familiar thought:
What if what I say isn’t okay?
So I handed that decision over to someone else.
In doing so, I slowly lost trust in myself.
The message I was sending myself was:
My words alone are not enough.What I say is only valuable if others understand and agree.
A different way to see it
Over-explaining is often a people-pleasing response; a way to avoid rejection or discomfort.
But clear, confident communication doesn’t come from saying more. It comes from trusting that what you say is enough.
That doesn’t mean being abrupt or uncaring.
It simply means allowing your words to stand without softening or justifying them.
For me, this was another gradual shift. I started noticing when I was about to explain more than I needed to.
Instead of adding, I paused for breath. Sometimes I still explained, but sometimes I didn’t.
I started noticing a change in how I felt after speaking. I felt grounded and more certain of myself. I recognised that this was me speaking for myself at last.
I began to recognise something new:
I can speak for myself.I can trust what I say.
And underneath that, a quieter message:
I respect myself.
A gentle practice
The next time you find yourself explaining something, pause for a moment.
Ask yourself:
Have I already said enough?
You don’t need to force yourself to stop; just notice the pull to add. It’s that awareness that begins to change things.
Thanks for reading Confidence Matters by Sue Reid! This post is public so feel free to share it.
Something to reflect on this week
* Where do I tend to over-explain the most?
* What am I hoping will happen when I do?
* What am I worried might happen if I didn’t explain more?
* How would it feel to let my words stand on their own?
* Where could I practise saying just a little less?
If this is something you recognise in yourself, you don’t have to work through it alone. This is the kind of work I explore more deeply each month: building confidence in a way that feels steady, supportive, and aligned with who you are.
And if you ever feel you’d like more personalised support with building confidence, you’re very welcome to reach out and have a conversation with me.
Much loveSue xx
