Our theme for May is negative self-talk. This is the third of four posts.If you missed the previous two, you can find them here:
Week 1 - The Voice in Your Head Isn’t Who You Think It IsWeek 2- You have Changed Your Thoughts, So Why Are You Still Thinking Them?
Let me give you an example of my negative self-talk.
I’m planning to host a solo live based on negative self-talk and how to manage it. I love teaching and hosting live sessions, so this genuinely excites me.
Despite looking forward to it, the voice appeared yesterday.
“A week before your holiday? Are you kidding?”“Haven’t you got enough to do before you go?”“This is too much pressure. You’ll have to postpone it.”
Then, just to put the boot in:
“Besides, no one will come anyway.”
For a moment, I felt the familiar pull to believe those thoughts. I felt resistance to doing something that might fail, or at least feel embarrassing if I stumbled over my words or if nobody showed up.
Not long ago, I would have accepted those thoughts without question. I would have assumed the voice was simply telling me the truth.
Maybe I am too busy. Do I need to rush?I don’t want to feel overwhelmed.Perhaps I should postpone.
And honestly, the idea of postponing it did pull me in for a moment.
Then I remembered:
I can do this.
This is what feels different now.
I still sometimes hear thoughts like these, but I no longer automatically follow them.
That brief pause has changed my life more than I ever expected.
Confidence is not total positivity
For a long time, I believed that confidence meant reaching a point where negative thoughts disappeared entirely.
No self-doubt.No overthinking.No inner criticism.
But real confidence does not work that way. Confidence is not the absence of negative thoughts. It is learning that you do not have to obey them.
That realisation changed something for me.
Because once you begin noticing the voice rather than immediately believing it, another possibility opens up:
Choice
You can choose to respond differently.
A simple framework that has helped me is this:
NOTICE → ADJUST → BELIEVE
This is a practice of staying present without automatically engaging with the thought.
Your mind does not naturally want to stay in the present moment. It wants to focus on what has happened before and what might go wrong next.
To the brain, constantly scanning for danger feels like safety.
We can learn to control this, but change doesn’t happen overnight.
Notice
The first step is becoming aware of the thought.
What am I saying to myself right now?
Sometimes the voice is loud and obvious, and sometimes quite subtle:
“This is going to go wrong.”“They don’t really care about this”“You’re not capable enough to succeed.”
The important thing is not to judge yourself for the thought, just notice it.
Awareness creates space.
Adjust
This is where many people try to force positivity. The old “just think happy thoughts” approach.
But responding differently does not mean pretending everything is wonderful or convincing yourself that you never struggle.
It simply means asking:
“Is there another way I could respond to this?”
The adjustment can be very small.
Instead of:
“I always mess things up.”
It becomes:
“This feels difficult, but I am learning.”
Instead of:
“No one wants to hear from me.”
It becomes:
“Not everyone will connect with what I say, and that is okay.”
It doesn’t need to be perfect; perfection is not the goal. The goal is a fairer, kinder, and more grounded response.
Believe
Over time, the thoughts you practise repeatedly begin to shape how you feel about yourself.
This is why awareness alone is not always enough.
You also need repetition.
Not forced affirmations that feel impossible to believe, but small, supportive thoughts that gradually create a different internal experience. These form new neural pathways in your brain.
I often give my clients a field analogy. Imagine there is a shortcut into town by walking across a field. Everyone walks in a straight line from one gate to the gate directly opposite. Over time, a clear pathway forms where the grass has been worn down.
If the farmer wants to allow that pathway to recover, he might move the gates a few feet to the left or right. Now people are starting to walk a new path. Over time, a new pathway is formed. That new path is the new belief.
Like the new path, these new thoughts may feel unfamiliar.
“I can handle discomfort.”“I am allowed to take up space.”“I do not need to be perfect to be worthy.”
For years, your brain learned certain pathways through repetition, fear, and emotional protection.
Now you are slowly teaching it something different.
And that takes patience and practise.
Why this matters
Every time you respond with awareness rather than automatic criticism, you begin to build a different relationship with yourself.
One based less on fear and more on self-trust.
There will still be moments when the old voice feels convincing. But over time, something important begins to change.
You stop seeing every thought as truth and treating every fear as instruction.
Little by little, you begin to become a safer place for yourself to land.
Something to reflect on this week
* What thoughts do you automatically believe most quickly?
* What would a gentler response sound like?
* What feels difficult about responding differently?
* What small shift could you begin practising this week?
The live I mentioned at the beginning will be on Monday, 1 June. We’ll be exploring self-talk more deeply, including how to begin changing your internal responses to build genuine self-trust.
Much loveSue xx
