The results of the presidential election have force-fed many of us the most bitter of pills: we were wrong about America.
The fact that the results weren’t even close despite Trump’s campaign formed almost exclusively of xenophobia, misogyny, and white nationalism, is confirmation that a substantial portion of this nation is no longer accessible by reason or data or empathy.
Numbed by a cocktail of optimism, ignorance, and wishful thinking, many of us imagined that the previous two elections were somehow momentary aberrations; temporary glitches in the system that would surely be remedied this year.
We believed that after so much ugliness, such open disregard for people of color, such contempt toward immigrants, such a sickening failure in the face of the pandemic, such an open assault on our Democracy on January 6th—that We The People would surely come to the rescue.
We were certain that we would collectively course-correct as a nation; that the pendulum that had so wildly swung toward inhumanity over the past decade would come roaring back to decency in these days; that we would presently be basking in the glory of a radiant dawn’s referendum on all this senseless bigotry.
We thought we would be dancing together on the grave of fascism right now instead of holding a possible postmortem for democracy.
We thought, of course the good people of our homeland would come to their collective senses, leaving behind political affiliations and superficial preferences and ceremonial ties in order to help rescue us all from a malevolence that had proven itself unworthy of its position and toxic to its people.
We believed that every woman of this nation and the men who love them would make an unprecedented stand for the rights of women to govern their bodies.
We were certain there would be a mass repudiation of the racism that this man has revealed and the violence he's nurtured, because for all its flaws we really believed America was better than this.
We were wrong about all of it.
We were wrong to believe that white people weaned for decades on supremacy, would suddenly embrace disparate humanity and make more space at the table.We were wrong to believe that white Evangelicals would finally have the scales fall from their eyes and abandon their blind adoration of this vile, narcissistic false prophet of grievance, and once again embrace the expansive, compassionate heart of Jesus.We were wrong to believe that kindness and science and facts and truth and goodness would be found more valuable than the fool's gold of a sneering, star-spangled, American greatness.We were wrong to hope that more Republicans would cross party lines in order to defend their country from the greatest terrorist threat in our lifetime.We were wrong to believe that collective hope would rise up to cast out irrational fear.
And most of all, we were wrong about people we know and love and live alongside and work with and study beside; about our parents, spouses, siblings, uncles, best friends, and neighbors. They are not the people we thought they were and we do not live in the country we thought we lived in.
We believed the best about this nation and we were mistaken.
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To many oppressed and vulnerable communities, to people who have long known the depth of America's sickness because they have experienced it in traffic stops and workplace mistreatment and opportunity inequity and the hateful words of strangers—this may be less shocking news than it is to those of us with greater privilege and more buffers to adversity and the luxury of naiveté.
But this is the sober spot in which we stand now: realizing that our optimism about the whole of this nation was misplaced,our prayers for the better angels of so many Christians were unanswered,our childish illusions that people were indeed basically good and decent, seared away in their reaffirmation of something that the rest of the watching world finds reprehensible.
And now, we're left with two terribly unfortunate choices: leave the America we have, because it is so very different than the America we hoped for—or stay, realizing that we are surrounded by so many people for whom cruelty is not only not a deal-breaker but a selling point.
We’re left to wonder how we can find peace in a place we know is less safe and less decent and less kind than we wanted—not because of any politician but because of those who embraced him a third time; people who share our kitchen tables and churches and break rooms and cul-de-sacs.
I don't know what the right decision is.
Right now, the only thing I know is that I expected something fully beautiful and life-affirming was going to mark this day and it hasn’t.
I was certain we were better than him but we just aren’t, at least far too many of us aren’t.
I was so sure that even though I know hatred dies hard, that America was finally going to let love have the last, loudest word.
And I was wrong.
Or maybe, I just have to wait a little while longer to be right.
Either way, I now feel like a foreigner in my homeland—and that’s gonna take some getting used to.
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