The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, connection, and reflection. But for many of us, the moment we walk through that familiar front door, something shifts.
Your shoulders tense. Your heart rate quickens. You hear a certain tone in your parent’s voice, and suddenly you’re a fourteen-year-old again, trying not to roll your eyes or cry at the dinner table. You tell yourself you’ll stay calm, but within ten minutes your mom starts to criticize how you raise your kids and then you snap and feel guilty and sad for days.
It may not be this exact scenario, but many people go through their own version of something like this.
It can be a strange experience. You spent years building confidence, independence, and emotional regulation, yet all it takes is one holiday meal to send your nervous system into a tailspin.
So, why does this happen? And why can the people who love us most also make us feel the most triggered?
In this piece we’ll unpack this, and I’ll share a step-by-step reset you can use this Thanksgiving to stay calm, kind, and grounded no matter what happens.
For a deeper dive, you can listen to the latest episode of Mental Health Bites here or on Apple Podcasts. You can also find more short clips and helpful tips at my YouTube channel.
The Neuroscience of Family Triggers
Your brain is a memory keeper. But it doesn’t necessarily remember events as you might think. Instead, it remembers states.
This happens to all of us. Even if you’re 40, successful, and self-aware, your amygdala can pull up emotional “snapshots” of how it used to feel to be around your family in an instant—moments when you felt criticized, dismissed, unseen, or pressured to perform.
This is because when you’re around people who shaped your earliest emotional experiences, your amygdala (the part of your brain responsible for threat detection) lights up like a fire alarm. The hippocampus, which stores context and narrative memory, works alongside the amygdala.So when your mom makes that same comment she’s been making for decades, your brain doesn’t process it as “just a comment.” Your brain links it to a cascade of similar moments. And with every eye roll, sigh, and unmet need, your body reacts as if you’re back there again.
At the same time, the rational part of your brain that manages impulse control and perspective, gets temporarily hijacked. When that happens, your adult self fades and your inner child grabs the wheel. This is why even a small family comment can feel like a deep wound.
The Attachment Angle: The Why Behind These Reactivations
Attachment theory helps explain the “why” behind those reactivations.
If you grew up with inconsistent caregiving, such as love mixed with criticism or attention paired with pressure, your body learned to anticipate rejection even in closeness. So when you visit home for the holidays, your body sees family but also the potential for disapproval, comparison, or shame.
When the family reconvenes, it’s like stepping back into a play that’s been rehearsed for decades. And everyone instinctively remembers their lines. One person becomes the peacemaker, smoothing every conflict. Another becomes the achiever, trying to earn approval through success.
These dynamics can be stressful, but the hopeful truth is that awareness gives you power. While you can’t erase the past conditioning, thanks to neuroplasticity, you can rewire your nervous system’s response in the present and form new, healthier patterns.
The “Table Reset” Technique: A Practical Takeaway
This is a neuroscience-based, four-step grounding method I teach to patients for use in high-stress family interactions. It helps you re-engage your prefrontal cortex, regulate your nervous system, and step back into your adult self calmly, confidently, and compassionately.
* Step 1: Name What’s Happening (Silently). When you notice your body reacting, say to yourself, “This is a trigger. My chest feels heavy. My body remembers this feeling.” This is called affect labeling; it’s a technique that reduces amygdala activation. When you name your emotion or physical state it brings online the rational, calming parts of your brain.
* Step 2: Engage Your Vagus Nerve. This will signal your nervous system to exit “fight or flight” and return to “rest and digest.” To do this breathe in for four seconds then exhale for six. When you make your exhale slightly longer than your inhale, that tells your vagus nerve, “We’re safe.” If you can, hum quietly or even touch your throat as you exhale; this vibration further activates parasympathetic calm.
* Step 3: Re-anchor in the Present. Look around. Name one thing you can see, one thing you can touch, and one thing you can hear. These micro sensory check-ins reorient the hippocampus to now, not then. It’s your way of saying to the body:“I’m not that child anymore. I’m sitting at a table, not in danger.”
* Step 4: Respond, Don’t React. Once you feel a bit more grounded, choose your next step intentionally. If you want to speak up, use calm, clear language that sets a boundary and preserves connection. You might say something like, “Mom, I know you care, but I’d love to just enjoy dinner tonight without advice.” Or “I appreciate that you want to help, but I’ve got this handled.” If it’s not the right moment to engage, internal boundaries count too. Tell yourself: “This comment doesn’t define me. I can let that pass and still protect my peace.”
Every time you take any of these steps, you’re building a new neural pathway that teaches your brain that safety and self-respect can coexist.
If You Want Additional Support This December…
If the holidays tend to feel emotionally heavy, overstimulating, or complicated, I want to make sure you have tools that actually help you in real time, not just in theory.
That’s why next month I’m releasing two exclusive subscriber resources:
The Holiday 3-Day Jumpstart (December 1–3)
A gentle reset to help you enter December with nervous system calm and emotional clarity.Paid subscribers receive:
* A short guided video each day
* A 2-minute micro-practice you can use immediately
* A written breakdown of the science behind each tool
* A reflection prompt to integrate the lesson
* A downloadable mini-worksheet for each day
* A bonus grounding audio you can replay all season
It’s designed for busy, overwhelmed schedules — high-impact, minimal effort.
The Mental Wellness Advent Calendar
31 days of simple, evidence-based practices (1–5 minutes each) to help you:
* Set boundaries without guilt
* Reduce stress and emotional reactivity
* Stay grounded during gatherings
* Find small, meaningful moments of joy
* Keep your nervous system steady through the holidays
Paid subscribers get:
* The full printable calendar
* The digital daily version
* Audio guidance for selected practices
* A December “Energy Map” to track what drains and replenishes you
* Extra reflection prompts + Sunday resets
If you want a calmer, more intentional December — or if you want to end the year feeling connected, grounded, and proud of how you showed up — I’d love for you to join us inside the paid community.
Upgrade here to get both the 3-Day Jumpstart & Advent Calendar
Remember This for the Holidays
You can’t control who brings the drama or which family patterns resurface, but you can choose how you meet them.
Calm is not passive. It’s power. And when you regulate your nervous system, you’re healing yourself and changing the emotional legacy for everyone at that table.
If you found this helpful, please share it with someone who might need it before the holiday.
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Take my attachment styles quiz
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor’s degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA’s Semel Institute.
