When people ask how I am, it’s usually something like…
I’m ok but not really but you know.
If I’m at all tapped into reality, there’s no way I’m ok. Every day feels like a struggle, but on the outside, I’m fine. I am the QUEEN of not showing how in shambles I am - I’m pointing to my capricorn moon.
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For awhile (like until last year..actually if I’m honest it’s still now), I feel like I have been chasing the feeling of completely being at peace 24/7. I wouldn’t admit that, because I know technically that’s not the goal. But I would expose myself with the truth all the time to my former therapist. I remember her reminding me that it’s ok for my nervous system to move up and down - it’s about trusting myself to be able to always come back to homeostasis.
I shared this on the audio version of yesterday’s post: I witnessed a car accident right in front of me while I was walking yesterday. It happened so fast! A car slammed into another car causing the one hit to flip over. My fight/flight kicked in and I was talking to one of the drivers while asking for people near by for help - and then calling 911 (which I hated doing as an abolitionist - but they needed an ambulance.) Thankfully everyone was conscious and stable. In my head, I thought I probably needed the next few hours for my body to process and come down from the adrenaline rush. In my head, it was clear that everyone was safe and ok-ish.
My body said, “haven’t you learned anything?”
Haha! Time and time again, things work much slower than I want. I had the most restless anxious sleep with horrible dreams last night. My body feels like it got hit by a car - sore everywhere. My neck and shoulder hurts. I feel sick. Well, I am mentally and physically sick in a way.
On Tiktok, a creator by the name of “gigistherapyworld” made this great video about how you need to be in denial or so deep in your privilege to be actually ok right now. It made me ironically feel more settled in my body. Under capitalism and during multiple genocides, there is no way we can be truly ok. The more we learn about truth and aren’t distracted by b******t, the more we will wake up to our grief and collective suffering. Sometimes I wish I could be naive to it all and be like a lot of people I see - just complaining about mundane things. I actually wrote a poem about this last month:
I want to live a simple life
Worrying about what I should make for a dinner party
and what color of ribbon I should put in my hair
I want to spend my time making brunch plans
and catching up with old friends
I want to be stressed about home decor
and projects I can never get to
I want to look around and see that everyone
has everything they need and more
But here I am thinking, talking, breathing
about what liberation looks, feels, tastes like
While millions of people are mercilessly
being slaughtered for the expansion
of empire and white supremacy
I don’t want to use all my energy
condemning the system and trying
to squeeze creativity out of me because
imagining a better future is necessary
I don’t want to grieve the chocking out
of so many of our divine purpose
by the ropes of capitalism
I don’t want to resist but I do and I have to
Because the alternative is
surrender to the ultimate death
I just want to live a simple life
Anyways, I’m working on accepting that not being ok is natural. Being out of my mind because of the conditions of our world and being out of my mind for imagining a different world - is appropriate.
What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?
The up and down motion of the sea. Sometimes it’s big and sometimes it’s almost undetectable, but it’s always moving. There’s always lessons from the water.
Check out my new workshop coming up on March 30th!
Tiffany’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
