Under capitalism, I’ve lived most of my life out of consent with myself and certainly in relationship with other people. The conditioning of being raised as a good Christian girl who is the first born daughter of immigrants is intense. Don’t get me wrong - I was a smart mouth and subtly defiant from birth. But survival instincts run deeper. Surviving my childhood home emotionally intact (barely) was no small feat. Surviving Christian and white supremest indoctrination is one of my greatest achievements. Surviving an abusive relationship is no less than a miracle. What my experience has taught me is that I have to bend and appease people to get by. I have no shame or judgement for myself or anyone who does it out of survival.
Being in those settings meant that I had to violate my self consent all the time.
I was forced to say and do things that don’t align with my values or will. Over time, things get blurry. I’m still rebuilding my relationship with my body and my spirit. It’s come a long way, but I still feel the pull of breaking my commitment to myself all the time. The feeling is not wanting to do something, but thinking it would be easier to just do it. To fight is too much energy. This used to happen all the time with friends I didn’t really want to be friends with. To escape the awkwardness of rejecting them, I would agree to hangout. It’s so silly!
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So on my journey of using my time and energy for collective liberation, I’m watching my self consent and capacity. Sometimes my capacity is low, but my will power wants to push for more. Then, I have to negotiate with myself to make sure I’m totally consenting to whatever decision I make.
This time around, I’m learning from my experience:
I do NOTHING out of obligation. It is an HONOR to being in direct action and doing all the behind-the-scenes work. It is a f*****g honor to spend my time making videos and designing social media posts for liberation groups. It is an honor to be part of meetings, teach-ins, art builds, webinars, and workshops. AN HONOR.
And that’s how I stay in consent with myself. I take a moment and reflect on my posture. My eye is on my ego. We love my ego, but it doesn’t drive me. I play my role along other people who do the same. When criticism comes up, I look at it from the lens of harm reduction and then I look in the mirror.
I feel like part of not getting royally burnt out is being in close relationship with consent and capacity. Guilt and obligation (on top of surviving capitalism) can really do it. Guilt comes from the belief that I’m not doing enough and everyone is looking at me - judging why I’m not doing enough. Internalized capitalism is written ALL over that! It robs the feeling of having the privilege of pursuing liberation. Obligation has roots in thinking that the movement needs me…so then I have to do xyz. It’s over conflating the individual. It’s undermining the collective.
I’ve written and talked about this so much, and will continue to do so. Art has helped me build confidence in doing what is most aligned with myself while letting go how it might be perceived on the outside. Being close to my self integrity is more important than convincing people about it. So when opinions come my way, brushing it off can come with more ease and grace. I always remember that responses from people (that aren’t in connection to actual harm) are projections of themselves and vice versa. When I feel annoyed or have a reaction, I check to see what I see in the mirror first.
In a way, it’s kind of “fun” to see what skills and giftings want to come out in different seasons. As fun as things can feel when you’re talking about genocides and modern day slavery. Another thing that art has taught me that comes in handy is not to get too married to a certain medium. I float from painting, writing, music, speaking all the time. In the same way, I can see myself dancing from being more front facing some seasons through direct actions and then have roles that are more about creating infrastructure or digital support. Feels like I’m going 100% on all fronts right now…but I’m figuring it out lol.
This is totally random, but last night was SO INTENSE. I don’t know what was happening in the stars. At like 3am I thought construction was happening, because it sounded like big thuds. Then, I heard someone yelling and crying. From what I was hearing, it was this person who was thrown out by their partner (they were called them “baby”). They were SO LOUD and didn’t stop for a long time. The cops ended up coming, because of course people called the cops on them. Clearly that person wasn’t a danger - just a dramatic cry baby. Thankfully it didn’t seem like the cops hurt the person, but it was scary to think the chance that they could have. It made me think about how we need community care. That was the perfect opportunity for neighbors to come in and help de-escalate the situation.
In a meeting about stopping ShotSpotter technology, the team in Durham (or maybe Detroit) talked about how they have a whole team that replaces the cops being called in certain circumstances. It was so hopeful to hear about it. It’s possible!!
What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?
A world full of neighbors with an abundance of skills, resources, and capacity to support their neighbors lovingly. A world where gender-based domestic violence is unthinkable. A world where state sanctioned violence is a long lost nightmare.
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