Currently, I feel that depressive cloud over me (very much heavy my eyes) and my neck and shoulders really hurt. I feel this guilt for not being at the downtown Palestine protest today - I couldn’t get myself there. It felt like a big no from my body and my head said we should go…because it would give me spiritual energy. The dissonance is real. I’m not going to go into all the rational ways I shouldn’t feel bad about it and intellectualize what’s here. I just feel sad and selfish.
When I feel like this, I try to do this somatic practice that I call “following the glimmers”: I think about times where I felt like so fully me. Safe, free, light, curious, creative, and so settled in my body. I could cry right now, because feeling like that is really beautiful and too rare. When I felt like that, I try to note it down so I can tap into that moment as a resource later.
Last time that happened was maybe a week and a half ago - soon after I got back from mexico, and I had a few days alone with myself. Nothing special happened. The apartment was tidy, it was a really sunny day, and I felt really still in my body and spirit. In that moment, I felt like I was happy. I knew everything is fucked and crumbling, but for a few minutes or even an hour I felt confidence in my path and was so thankful. Looking back, that was the fruit of grieving more intentionally.
Another moment was when I was on the train recently, and I was listening to Ismatu Gwendolyn’s podcast right before I started my substack. There was this clear alignment I had with her message and it was like this column of energy that I was receiving. It feels so good to have someone reflect back something that resonates so deep in me. Then, to be motivated to step into action from that alignment…I’m feeling my body perk up as I’m writing this. YES!
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