Simple tasks aren’t simple anymore.
Emails, texts, groceries, cleaning, relaxing, resting, socializing, cooking, eating, catching up with friends…rarely comes with ease anymore.
I was remembering what last summer was like. It sounds ridiculous, but I felt happy(?). It was post breakup from a horrible relationship. The air was full of possibilities, everything was magical, I felt smoking HOT, my energy was really expansive, and I was creating art that felt invigorating. I was just about to quit my full time job. Social media felt creative and aligned. The energy was bubbly.
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Another season I felt “happy” was when I was deep in christian world (that I have left years ago) and there was very integrated community. I often think back to times like those and almost question it. Like when I was in the christian community - so full of racism, sexism, homophobia, and tokenism - but I was naive to it. There was true relationship and care with some people at least. But was I really happy? Or was I just caught up in the illusion of it all?
In the same way, I look back at last summer and question: how true was that sense of happiness or levity? Was I just lost in the matrix?
(And also how relevant is it for me to even question it?)
What’s coming up is grief - surprise surprise. I can’t imagine feeling that type of levity again or at least for a sustained amount of time. How can I? There are genocides happening right how. The Lancet study estimates that more than 186,000 Palestinians were killed by the IOF. There is not enough coverage and attention on the genocides in Sudan and Congo. How can I?
I was visiting bio family in the Bay Area last week, and traveling made my soul wither. Seeing thousands of people at the airport (99.999% unmasked) and then seeing hundreds of people at the county fair (my nieces loved it as they should and was worth it to see their joy…but it) did something to me. Here in Chicago, when I’m in big crowds, it’s usually during a Palestine protest on the weekends. But to see that big of a crowd on my trip and know that for the most part, people are just living their lives with the genocides as blip in their consciousness…it’s scary.
Not to be high and mighty, but:
How can we bring forward a revolution when the majority of people are a combination of being misinformed, trampled by capitalism, and just distracted by what actually matters?…which is their own liberation. And that’s being generous. I know for a fact there were MANY zionists and white supremists in those crowds.
The existential isolation was too REAL as I was amongst those crowds.
Practice of theory is something I’m always talking about with my chosen family. And every day I’m confronted with how.
How do I integrate what I know and what I want to practice? Who I want to be. What I want to bring forward in this world with community? How do I build true community over time? How do I practice integrity? How do I practice trusting my spirit? How do I deepen my hope?
What am I even doing and how does it matter? Is a question I ask myself in moments of overwhelm, which is every day.
I’m sad. And I’m scared for so many reasons and for so many people.
I’m scared AND the invitation is to be brave and run towards hope and love.
Somehow all of that can and HAS TO coexist.
The circular experience of hope, conviction, grief, depression, thankfulness, connection, isolation, energy, creativity, risk, laughter…it’s a privileged and human thing to experience. And exhausting when capacity feels so low.
It’s like I’m learning how to live with my eyes wide open for the first time (again) at 35 years old of age. I’ve been through a couple cycles of radicalization, and every one knocks me down with how evil white supremacy and empire is. And every time, I feel stronger in my soul about what actually matters. So thankful and so exhausted.
Agency agency agency. I am finding my agency so that I can do my small part in the collective and not succumb to cynicism or worse…apathy.
At the end of the day, this is a battle of faith and imagination.
How can I build capacity with community so that our faith and imagination can out win the faith and imagination of billionaires/colonizers?
What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?
In the near future, my capacity and the capacity of my community will be expanded and sustained in life giving ways. Dark holes of depression will be less often. Truthful and caring connection will be consistent and abundant. There will be ease in truth telling and risk taking for the long haul struggle towards collective liberation. PALESTINE, SUDAN, CONGO, AND ALL THE OPPRESSED WILL BE FREE.
It was so great to chat with Leah Kim on her podcast Voices on the Side: check out the episode here!
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