Officially mid 30’s. My favorite thing is to describe multiple things that happen at the same time. So two things: 1. I feel this deep grief about life in this timeline and 2. I’m so thankful to be this free in my mind in this timeline.
I escaped the cult of fundamental Christianity. I escaped the claws of cis heteronormativity. I escaped being in relationship with a man who will exploit me without any limits. I escaped the trance of capitalism. I escaped the illusion of stability or security under this white supremest empire.
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Maybe more accurately, instead of “I escaped,” it should be “I am escaping.” All the effects still exist in differing degrees in me. Every day I have to heal and go against the grain of society. The way I police myself - my god. It’s not just adopting the idea of abolition, it’s the practice of it that is challenging…and deeply rewarding.
Yesterday I stumbled on a tiktok series about the indoctrination of AWANA. If you know, you know! It’s this children’s club that different churches can adopt where they drill Scriptures and promote Christian nationalism. The way my memories flooded back! It’s honestly sickening. It reminds me of watching Israelism and learning how Zionists had all these programs to indoctrinate kids from birth. Same thing. But I’ve somehow escaped it, while most of the people I know from home are still in that world. So thankful - I could cry. I feel this hint of survivor’s guilt…why me?
Another thing I’m so grateful for is that I’m not married to a mediocre man (at best and abusive at worst) with kids. Why me? How did I get so lucky? The way that I’m not using my time and energy on a man that couldn’t come close to the emotional/social/mental intelligence I have is truly a gift from my ancestors. They know what they’ve gone through, and it will not be passed down on me.
Being almost 35 is so wild. I’m about 5 years from my freaking 20’s and 5 years from my 40’s. What?! I don’t know why that feels insane.
In so many ways, I’ve healed and escaped these traps of oppression. And also there’s this feeling where I’m also behind? I have no desire right now to build a “successful” business or to make money. You know, my shop More Liberation? Done nothing to promote it or even update it. Thankful for the orders that still trickle through, but I literally could care less about it thriving. Literally, I’m witnessing multiple genocides and people are in my DM’s saying they are worried for their kids because they might need to sleep in the streets. I’ve given away so much money that I’ve almost drained everything that I have, and I’m 100% happy about it.
Who cares?! Except for the few things that matter.
The grief of it all makes me simultaneously want to rage and go to sleep forever. The only thing that makes me feel ok is to be around people who feel the same and when I’m using my body and voice for liberation.
There’s this mindset in Christianity where everything you do either brings you closer to God or farther. And so you always want to look at decision from that lens. That’s the idea behind those “What Would Jesus Do?” bracelets. See below.
In a way, I’m applying that same mindset. I want everything that I do to be towards our liberation. Every conversation, every relationship, every nap, every time I leave my home. Of course, it’s impossible and I’m human. But I desperately need to not feel gaslit about our reality and I need to feel that I’m using this precious life for the benefit of the collective - and therefore me!
As I’m coming down from my mania, I’m feeling really tender about my cycle. I’ve spent so much of my life fighting with it. Even last time, I was so frustrated that my period was very “late.” This round, I want to lean into where my body wants to go. The pms symptoms can help my tears flow and deepen my relationship with grief. My body being more tired can help me slow down and reflect.
The start of the week is a bit daunting for me right now. I have no idea where it will bring me. Releasing control.
What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?
A near future where we will see a free Palestine. Spaciousness to take our time to grieve the insurmountable loss in Palestine, Congo, Sudan, and other places in the Global South. Grieving the violence and massacres that happened at Al Shifa Hospital. I dream of a time where hospitals are a place of true care - and not a target or space for state sanctioned violence.
(below is a photo of a protest sticker “Asian Americans for Palestine” by moonymade)
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Tiffany’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
