I really believe that self honesty is the hardest kind of honesty. So much stems from that place. I can’t hold myself accountable if I’m not honest and brave enough to face truth. I can’t be held accountable by my loved ones if I’m not honest with myself first. Because how can I be honest with people if I can’t be honest with myself?
It takes vulnerability and compassion towards myself. And I struggle with that.
I’m a Leo sun, Virgo rising, and Cap moon…and that might tell you everything about how I would like to be perceived…a perfect little angel that’s badass. While I am that for sure, I feel in my spirit that part of this lifetime is learning how to truly embody a child like ego. Leo’s are the children of the universe! Kids are naturally playful and take up space. They don’t mind being perceived. I love the clarity young kids have in their creativity. I want that! I want to be so rooted in my value, that there can be bravery in truth telling and expression.
Over my past 30+ years, there is a pattern I see over and over again. Where ever I go, there are power hungry and manipulative people in leadership who do harm. I have seen this in christian churches (so so so many) and in organizing spaces. Every time I see this happen, I take the time to self reflect.
What do I see in them that I can identify in myself? How have I perpetuated harm? What is my role in seeing this unravel? What did I miss in hindsight?
I never never never think that I’m above that person or that behavior.
Having been raised in a household where I had to be hyper vigilant about the state of my mother’s mood, I have developed an attentiveness to people’s energies and behavior. I don’t identify as an empath, but this empathic skill is both a gift and a trauma response. Something I’ve noticed with narcissistic leaders are that they are very good at identifying (consciously or not) people’s weak spots. When you know what drives a person, especially if it’s an insecurity, it is easy to use that against them. If someone is looking for validation in a certain way, that can be wielded into a weapon for manipulation.
These leaders are very good as masking (at least at first), because they are familiar with belonging, what brings people together, and what people value. Can you see why religion and organizing are such hot spots for this kind of thing?
As I get to know people, I pick up on how and why they make decisions, which is a neutral thing to observe. But I have to acknowledge within myself that I could harm people with that knowledge. All those things I see in those manipulative leaders, I see the potential in myself. As I said, I’m a Leo, and I am susceptible to my ego gobbling up all the adoration and wanting to control people for my purposes. That’s my shadow side. And I cannot be afraid of looking her in the eye.
The work is being able to see what I’m capable of, but ultimately being rooted in love. I love myself too much to rob myself of authentic connection and community. I love myself too much to receive shallow affirmation and adoration. I love myself too much to lose sight of what actually matters and my role towards our North Star.
The level of how real I can be about my shadow is the same level of how deep I can love.
It’s too dangerous to think that I’m not capable of doing great harm. I believe self accountability is a core tenant of collective liberation. We don’t have to wait for other people to call us in or out. We take the time to look within with brave honesty.
I have fucked up and will do it again and again. This kind of honesty will ensures that relationship and connection will be abundant.
What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?
A future where gatherings of people will be able to hold and protect the vulnerable and the harmed. Where the harmer and harmed will be humanized, and restoration can be possible. I’m drawing from what I’ve learned from transformative justice - especially through mia mingus. I know this happens, but I haven’t seen it practiced effectively yet larger contexts…which I have more thoughts to share on that. There’s so much deep healing we need as a immensely traumatized collective. Colonization, capitalism, imperialism…all of it…destroys lives and relationships. We must not forget why it’s so messy and difficult to come together against our enemy - it is strategic.
How to support me (thank you in advance):
Currently, I’m in between jobs and would appreciate any support you can afford.
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