I’ve probably spent most of my posts writing about how I’m losing it and I’m not ok.
Today, I actually feel ok. And like a true virgo rising, let’s dissect it.
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Possible reasons why I feel ok today:
* It’s been warm and sunny
* I’ve been feeling so deeply into grief and sadness in the past months, I was due for a bit of a flux.
* I’ve been consistent with morning movement + stretches.
* For the past few days, I’ve been making my favorite smoothie that really helps with my digestion.
* Direct action has been helping me mentally and physically.
Let’s expound on that last point. So I’ve dove into direct action, and I feel a sense of mental/emotional relief.
Admist the grief, the normalcy I’m witnessing in people and also in my life makes me feel so gaslit.
There’s nothing normal with anything, and I always want to scream or burst into anger when people are being normal. Or when I’m being “normal.”
So when I’m at a disruption making noise and stopping business-as-usual with other people, it feels so relieving. Yes it takes a s**t ton of energy to show up and yes it’s stressful in many ways, but the trade off is so worth it. To add nuance, the stress that I do feel surrounded by so many f*****g pigs around violent zionists…is no joke. But that makes sense! Nothing about that makes me feel gaslit.
Somatically, to march and shout for a Free Palestine for the neighborhood, establishments, and zionists to hear. To shout about ending the occupation. To yell “We Will Win.” To remind people about boycotting. To directly demand accountability from a zionist business. Feels so f*****g good. Sounds selfish, but I make decisions from the premise that what’s good for the collective is what is good for me in the most honest way. Even though there is sacrifice and it’s not all pretty, I need the movement more than the movement needs me.
I think in the last post or maybe in the one before that, I described myself behaving manically, because I’m going from zero to a hundred - from coming back from a break and feeling super depressed to being in 3 direct actions in one week. Today, I want to extend acceptance that I don’t always need to be “grounded.” Nothing is normal. I’m not normal. Maybe it’s ok that I’m swinging back and forth. As long as I’m not harming people or myself (for the most part) along the way, that’s all that matters.
My head: what about long-term sustainability like how you always preach?
My response: long term? People are dying every day. There’s no promise I will live past this day, month, year. Let alone long term.
My head: Ok but aren't you going to burn out like next week? And what about your health? This stress is going to really make you not make it into the "long term."
My response: Fine - we won't do 3 direct actions next week.
What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?
Jumping, yelling, fist pumping, dancing for liberation collectively is so needed. I felt my energy transform into red and orange. As I marched and jumped, it echoed the feelings of the earth beneath my feet.
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